The news in brief 2nd June 2015

The news in brief:

Live at the scene: man takes an impromptu swim

Exclusive news: emergency services hate having their time wasted

Love can’t actually build a bridge

Animals are fucking stupid

If rollercoasters weren’t scary enough already…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Politician didn’t get the ‘don’t talk ill of the dead’ memo

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Celebrity sets back equality by about 500 years

Russia situation remains ‘slightly hairy’

More product placement masquerading as news

People act like pricks on the road

Insane dictatorship wants you to come visit its grotesque human-rights atrocities

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Medieval morality destroys another bunch of human lives

Terrible neighbour forgets how to person

US’s new ‘Star Wars weapon’ not actually like anything in Star Wars

Bureaucracy gone mad

Whoever would have imagined that pushy parents create fucked-up kids…

Strange light probably not aliens

You know, it’s still body-shaming even if they’re a mad dictator

Bee!? Pigs!? Whatever will we find in cars next?  

And finally: woman wants you to know that scars and burns don’t make you unattractive – and any naysayers can totally come kiss The news in brief’s ass   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…