The news in brief 1st January 2015 to 31st December 2015

This year's news in brief:

Birmingham was founded in 1992 by the French-Canadian philosopher Jean-Paul Birmingham. Before that it was known as 'Donna Summerland'

Zombie cat returns from beyond the grave

Roombas have started the robot uprising – Skynet unavailable for comment

Owls make shit bartenders

You know, we’re pretty sure that the IKEA magazine was promoting flat-packed furniture, handy storage solutions and tasty, tasty meatballs, NOT some underhanded homosexual propaganda, but what do we know?

After carefully dismantling and inspecting every component of our washing machine, we couldn’t find a pair of tits, a vagina, a womb, a clitoris or anything that would identify the washing machine as female. There were loads of tubes but not a one of them was fallopian

EU hates gardeners, golfers and old people

Goat sacrifice unsuccessful

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper wheels her out to push another non-story

Apparently all men are rapists and are just waiting for the opportunity to strike

Religion’s bodycount goes for the high score

Invisible security guards?

If the wind so much as blows over a tree down London way, it’s front page news. When hailstones the size of tennis balls smash up cars, windows and conservatories and lightning destroys a house in the North East, the media doesn’t give a flying fuck…

Man’s inhumanity to man continued apace

If you were a genuine psychic you’d scare up the lottery numbers, or ask Colonel Sanders for his secret recipe or maybe settle that whole Madeleine Mccann thing once and for all. But no, it seems her powers are specifically attuned to low hanging fruit.  

Diana Watch 2015: photographs for sale. Still dead.

Bacon will kill us all!

Heterosexuals continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Turkey (poultry) pardoned by world leader

Turkey (nation) not pardoned by world leader

Why exactly are photographers stalking a 16-year-old girl?

Nudes in brief: Rita Ora

And finally: Internet fights evil with kitten pictures

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 30th December 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel shares his thoughts on the day's top story:

The news in brief 29th December 2015

The news in brief:

We’re back bitches!

Look, we spent awhile trying to come up with a funny headline for ‘pensioner guns down pensioner in care home,’ but none of them were in good taste, so we’re going to take the moral high ground and not use any of them, but by the Power of Greyskull, that’s awful

Entire North East of England says ‘we told you so’

Government learns definition of ‘false economy’

Nature really hates bridges

Absolute legend Killed by Death

Sarcastic bellend breaks the Internet

Brits fucking love cheese

Man’s inhumanity to man doesn’t give a shit that it’s Christmas

Skynet’s totally going to steal your job

BREAKING NEWS: pets breath the same air we do

Study strongly implies that wanking is amazing

Religion’s  bodycount continues to mount

Government SNAFU surprises no-one

Economy still pretty fucked

Newspaper confuses cyberbullying for news

God hates hoverboards

People are offended by fucking everything

Nudes in brief: nearly Rita Ora

And finally: child takes bacon for the first time. Angels weep with joy

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 24th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the press
Not a creature was stirring, nor Kardashian undressed
The paparazzi were camped by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The Squirrel nestled all snug in its bed,
While nightmares of fracking danced in it head.
The editor in her onesie, and I in my pants,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s rant

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see if it was Sepp Blatter
Away to the window I flew like a witch,
Afraid it might be the attention-seeking hyper-bitch

The moon on the breast of the failed flood defences
Gave the lustre of mid-day to historical offences.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than Cameron cutting the spending
And he whistled, and shouted, about the condom challenge trending

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now Vixen and Prancer,
Before the Daily Mail decides reindeer give you cancer.
To the top of the porch! to the top of the fount!
As religion's bodycount continues to mount!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane race,
Whilst man's inhumanity to man continues apace.
So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of Apple Products, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and thought it glorious,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came and not Oscar Pistorius.

He was dressed all in red, because fur’s a taboo
And he'd upset PETA, Greenpeace and Anonymous too
With shameless product placement he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how cutie!
Though he failed to conform to the media's narrow definition of beauty.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a e-cig he held tight in his teeth,
And the vape it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a round face - there's an obesity crisis!
Does he not know fat people are worse than ISIS?!

He was chubby and jolly, a strange little lump.
And I laughed when I saw him - for it was Donald Trump!
A wink of his eye and without hesitation ,
He started to rant about US immigration

He spoke not a word, as he dished out our portion
And filled all the stockings with guns and pamphlets about anti abortion
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a coalition missile.
But I heard him exclaim, he sounded elated
"Happy Christmas to all, your house price is inflated!’’

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 23rd December 2015

The news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel with the day's top story

The news in brief 22nd December 2015

The news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel’s thoughts on the Miss World snafu...

The news in brief 21st December 2015

In the spirit of the season it's The news in brief Nativity special:

Bureaucracy: 1, Common sense: 0

Bethlehem pretty fucking crowded

Study states the obvious: more people should have filled out the census online

Iron age public transport terrible

Virgin pregnancy not at all suspicious

Husband ‘totally cool with it’

Motel trade booming

Economy still pretty shit

Religion's bodycount starts to salivate in anticipation

Political leader plans a bit of infanticide

Really bright star spotted in sky

Daily Mail says starlight causes cancer

Three Asians walk a really fucking long way

Wise men rubbish at buying gifts for children

Shepherds wish they'd heard of Twitter

Breaking news: not everyone is an asshole

Housing crisis sees migrants sleeping in cattle sheds

Donkey unhappy at always being portrayed by worst actor

The Guardian, despite not being printed for nearly 2000 years, somehow makes it about Diana

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian (probably)

And finally: a baby is born

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 11th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Hey there news-fans-with-short-attention-spans, The news in brief is taking it's Christmas holidays and you're going to have to fend for yourselves for just a little while. We’re not here next week at all as we sweep out the office and empty the attention-seeking hyper-bitch traps.

The week after that, we're going to be popping crackers and eating mince pies and the Summary Squirrel is going to be running the show (with a The news in brie and any links that strike our fancy) to keep things ticking over until we get back.

We'll be back on the 28th of December,  fatter, poorer and more sarcastic than ever with the same bullshit you've inexplicably been reading for nearly three goddamned years…

In the meantime, here's this week's celebrity special:

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Couple caught interacting

Newspaper eyes up a sixteen year-old…?!

Cleavage is not news

Two dresses are a little bit similar

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Side boob is NOT news

Woman updates social media

Wild speculation

Family's breakdown somehow our business

Woman caught going outside

Breaking news: family spends time together

Megastar can afford nice things

Newspaper objectifies woman on the phone

Business man caught doing business

Nudes in brief: Patrick Stewart

And finally: wind affects famous people's hair too...

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 9th December 2015

The news in brief 8th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Donald Trump (allegedly) believes that parts of London are so radical that the police are afraid to go there.  

We think parts of London are radical too. I mean the Natural History Museum is pretty wicked.

Here's a few more ‘facts' that the 45th President of the United States probably thinks about our fair capital:

There are corgis everywhere

It's actually in Scotland

The ghost of William Shakespeare can be seen most nights wandering aimlessly,  despairing at all the foreign types

Big Ben is just a clever optical illusion

It is all downhill

The river is actually on loan from Wolverhampton

There almost no white people still living above ground

The Queen converted to Islam in 1983

Almost everyone has been murdered at least once

The capital’s first language is ‘Muslamic'

In some rougher areas The Great Fire of London is still burning

No-one dares drink tea anymore

Wombles are the number one killer of god-fearing, gun-owning republicans

Crumpets

Winston Churchill still stands on London’s sandy beaches, single handedly fighting off non-Christians

Thanks to the lack of handguns, there's a home invasion every 4.1 seconds (and that's just the SW1 postcode)

Everyone is dead from Obamacare

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 7th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Product placement isn’t news (even if it’s jolly festive)

We’re still having some weather

Surprise, surprise it all comes down to oil…

e-readers killed the paperback star

Economy still pretty shit

Country has pretty neat idea (but it probably won’t catch on)

Pro tip: don’t take toy bombs onto planes

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Want to overthrow western democracy? There’s an app for that

Ad campaign kinda misses the point

Shop forgets how to capitalism

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man’s shed is better than yours

People act like cunts on the Internet

River eats bridge #badflood

Waterfall returns from beyond the grave #goodflood  

Newspaper scrapes the bottom of the barrel for news

Other newspaper reports newspaper scraping the bottom of the barrel for news

Satirical news blog points out other newspaper reporting newspaper scraping the bottom of the barrel for news

Stars in their bras: Selena Gomez

And finally: shopping centre Santa gets it absolutely right

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th December 2015

This week's celebrity news in brief:

Game Show results inexplicably news

Wardrobe malfunction

Woman wears dress

Newspaper approves of woman’s clothes

Stop the press: woman not wearing a bra

Woman has legs

Cleavage is not news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Man wears hat

Celebrity breakup somehow our business

Woman updates social media

Parent caught parenting

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Pro tip assholes: James Corden probably isn’t ‘playing' the doting dad…

Stars in the bras: Paris Hilton

And finally: after approximately 40 weeks of gestation,  pregnant woman gives birth

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 4th and 5th December 2015

Friday and Saturday’s news in brief:

Human race still pretty shit

Economy marginally better than it was (in the 1920s)

Government remembers that the North of England exists

We’ve totally had some weather

Army sent to sort out Cumbria (it's about fucking time)

Europe apparently can't learn from history

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Business doesn't give two shits about it's employees

Bigots surprise no-one

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Product placement still NOT news

Beatles still not on Spotify

Collector probably has more money than you

Mad suggestion that politicians should act like grownups

Man really likes whacking it

Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination

Bishop suggests TV not actually evil

Scaremongering speculation

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch swears she'll be back

Hungry enough to eat a horse? Well now you totally can!

Nudes in brief: 80s Madonna

And finally: Lenny Henry and Ainsley Harriott are NOT the same person...

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 3rd December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Oh my. It's truly a terrible world sometimes isn't it? We're not doing The news in brief today. Here’s a picture of a kitten I drew instead:

The news in brief 2nd December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

War, huh? What is it good for?

Stopping ISIS says PM

Indiscriminately killing with no real end in sight says opposition

It suffices to say that man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Bile-foaming hatemonger still oddly popular

Mindless ignorance caught on camera

Environment still pretty boned

Elves probably not a government conspiracy

Winter wonderland surprises no-one

Study states the obvious: healthy diet and exercise good for you

Pop drinkers cry nanny state

Actual science suggests men and women both from Earth

Pro tip: don't fucking drink and drive!

Right to die taken to new extreme

Man really hates his fucking job

Charity does some damned fine shit

People act like pricks on the Internet

Bum bras inexplicably a thing

Just so we’re clear - not wanting to bomb people does NOT make you a ‘terrorist sympathiser ‘

Nudes in brief: Gigi Hadid

And finally: baby ducklings freak out when they first see water

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 1st December 2015

Here's the Summary Squirrel’s thoughts on the upcoming US elections...

The news in brief 30th November 2015

Today's news in brief:

English declare Andy Murray British again

World leaders figure they’ll just do the same thing they always do

Partly leader has loose grasp of democracy

You can be right without being an asshole

Newspaper painfully misogynistic

Pot calls kettle black

So yeah, Cat Yoga is a thing now

Freedom of speech is for everyone, not just people you agree with

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Shape-shaming skinny people is pretty uncool

Shape-shaming chubby people is pretty uncool

Pro tip: dating apps don’t stop you using protection

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Medieval mindset still doesn’t grasp that woman are people

Study states the obvious: Scotland is pretty nice

Politician has skewed priorities

Economy still pretty fucked

Environment still pretty fucked

Nudes in brief: Chrissy Teigan  

And finally: chicken looks at bit like Elvis

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th November 2015

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Stop the press: someone you’ve never met shares baby pictures

Detail’s of woman’s breakdown somehow our business  

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman wears dress

Slightly pregnant woman looks slightly pregnant

Pot calls kettle black

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman’s personal life is somehow our business

Celebrities forced to get out of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

Breaking news: new mum goes out

Woman updates social media

Woman goes for walk

Paparazzi take pictures of couple having lunch

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman doesn’t get dressed up nice when putting the bins out

Who the fuck pays for pictures of woman the bins out?!

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman fails to note that it’s still November…

Two people’s outfits are a little bit similar

Stars in their bras: Ferne McCann Charlie Sims

Apparently rules don’t apply if you have enough money…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th November 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Pro tip: two wrongs never make a right

Assholes celebrate loss of human life

Mad suggestion that women should have control over their own bodies

Remember kids: it’s not terrorism if it’s a white guy

Looks like we’re going to have some weather

Humans will kill us all!

Man’s inhumanity to animals continues apace

Retailers invent new holidays to sell you stuff

11 year-old is too legit to quit

Climate change probably a thing

Economy pretty fucked

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Facebook slow to change profile pictures to Nigerian flags

Medieval justice system destroys another human life

Is your tumble dryer planning to kill you?

People are literally fucking horses (we totally need a new insult…)

Terrible human beings get what they deserve  

Most heartbreaking letter to Santa ever written

Stars in their bras: Ellie Goulding

And finally: man clearly has a lot of free time (and fairy lights)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th November 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Turkey is trending.  Sadly algorithm makes no distinction between nation and poultry.

Nation celebrates day that Americans helped out some hungry immigrants (just sayin’)

World War III seems unlikely.  Newspaper's disappointment almost palpable

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Amusing diversion probably not helping

Economy slightly less shit (but still pretty shit)

Remember kids - if a politician sticks to their guns they're inflexible. If they change their mind they're flip-flopping

Pro tip: London not actually a sovereign state

People stopped wanking to play new video game

Study states the obvious: threat of grizzly death makes tourists destinations less popular

Proposal misses the bloody point

Mad suggestion that public services actually cost money

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Glitterbeards probably a bit too much

Product placement still isn't news

Early reports suggest spider not being charged with domestic abuse

Turkey (poultry) pardoned by world leader

Turkey (nation) not pardoned by world leader

Stars in their bras: Coco Austin

And finally: tech company plans to raise the dead...

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief extra

The news in brief extra:

Anonymous have a new weapon in their war against ISIS and they're never going to give us up.

Or let us down.

Or run around and desert us.

They're never gonna make us cry.

Never gonna tell a lie

Or hurt us.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 25th November 2015

The news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories...

The news in brief 24th November 2015

The news in brief:

Watch out Beadle’s about…

Black Friday sales start this Thursday

Study states the obvious: heartbeat linked to staying alive

Satirical news blog wilfully ignores world going to hell

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Family feud takes ghoulish turn

Sensible decision made for bullshit reason

Cows will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspapers pick up today what The news in brief ridiculed yesterday

Accidental cannabis farm

Politician quite possibly delusional

Man borrows tactics straight out of Hitler’s playbook

Judge tells controlling husband to do one

Mad suggestion that women are people and not possessions…

Whole nation still in lockdown

Found: one lost belt. If it's owner could please come collect it from the police station…

Very British criminal plans very British crime

Vagina-bread sounds pretty unappealing

Nudes in brief: Ferne McCann

And finally: two legged puppy given new lease of life.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 23rd November 2015

The news in brief:

Newspaper completely misrepresents survey

Bullshit hatemongering masquerading as news

Newspaper still oddly keen for war with Russia

Drunk driver fails to spot Scotland

Economy looks set to take a nosedive

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Medieval morality doesn’t give a shit about a man’s rights

Weather gets pretty fucking terrifying

Eight-year-old is totally smarter than you

Politician gets a little too Hitler-y for comfort

False equivalency is NOT news

Putin totally has the best War Room

Product placement totally isn’t news

Tumble dryers will kill us all

Vandals need a fucking good slap

Gigantic bitch gets off easy

Martian rock probably not a mouse

Nazi megaweapon pretty fucking awesome (and totally evil, but come on!)

Study states the obvious: too much porn is bad for you

Heterosexuals continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

 

People probably not offended by prayer

Nudes in brief: Jennifer Lopez (‘s backup dancer)

And finally: nation fights evil with pictures of kittens

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 19th November 2015

The news in brief:

World still pretty fucking abysmal

Trains still pretty shit

Economy still fucked

PM to get his own aeroplane

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Misleading photograph strikes again

Pigeons will save us all

Chickens will kill us all

It's not just any killer virus…

Musician full of shit (or possibly high)

Sad story surprises no-one

Internet full of retrograde bullshit

Celebrity twat probably unaware of the irony

Magazine has opportunity to make a positive change. Doesn't take it.

Antibiotic apocalypse!

Dude buys a hungry man lunch

Pro tip: Alderaan not part of ISIS

Baby is pretty fucking smart

Nudes in brief: Jorgie Porter

And finally: little boy shows the world true kindness

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 18th November 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel shares his thoughts on (some) of this week's news: 

 

 

The news in brief 17th November 2015

The news in brief:

World continues its mad dash into hell

Great British public no too good at spotting irony

Internet not too forgiving of people who can't spot irony

Health and safety gone mad

People get outraged before they read the article

Common sense decision misrepresented as moustache twirling supervillainy

Cartoonist gets a little Third Reich-y

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: you can be right without being a twat about it

Face transplant is pretty fucking awesome

Parisians have exactly zero fucks to give

Mad suggestion that rights apply to everyone equally

Complete tosspot caught on camera

Man doesn't really quite understand democracy

Breaking news: women are people. (and if you can't get on board with that: fuck you)

Medieval mindset ruins hundreds more lives

Study states the obvious: people don't like being told how to handle grief

Prohibition drove something underground?! Who'd have thunk it?

Stars in their bras: Emily Ratajkowski

And finally: two gentlemen have a very British reaction to oncoming floodwater

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 16th November 2015

The news in brief:

The world continues to turn and we need to carry on. So let’s catch up with yesterday’s faceload of celebrity bullshit:

Man’s chronic illness somehow our business

Woman has shower

Woman objectified for your entertainment

Woman’s weight-loss more headline-worthy than actual achievement

Stop the press: man spends time with son  

Woman wears bikini

Woman updates social media

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Family continues mission to be famous for absolutely nothing

Woman goes outside

Sideboob!

Thoughtless cunt has no brain/mouth filter

Breaking news: people wear sweaters when it’s fucking cold

Woman has the audacity to go out in comfy pants and a sweater

Cleavage is NOT news

Photographer stalks mother taking child for a walk

Nudes in brief: Suki Waterhouse

And finally: woman pops to the shop

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 15th November 2015

The news in brief:

With so many dead and injured all around the world (even if most of them are conveniently ignored by the western media) it seemed a tiny bit cuntish to rock out a celebrity special today (not that it stopped the newspapers judging women’s dresses and publishing pictures of people’s kids…)

Instead, here is a guest post from the outrageously well-spoken Adam Simpson, whose blogs can be found here: http://accidentaldadding.com/ and here: https://petrolheadblogger.wordpress.com/

“As a rule, I don't do politics, religion or anything like that on here, but just this once...
Those responsible for yesterday's atrocities in Paris have something in common with the Unabomber, with Timothy McVeigh, with Anders Breivik. That thing is not their religion, nor is it their supposed cause. Man's inhumanity to man continues apace, to steal a line from The news in brief, and there's not a border closure in the world that can prevent that, any more than it would have stopped the terrorist born 15 miles outside of Paris from committing the crimes of last night. I don't have answers - does anyone? - but whatever Europe and the world's response is, it cannot be knee-jerk.

Be nice to each other, you lot. When all is said and done, we're all human.”

Normal service resumes tomorrow

The news in brief 13th November 2015

The news in brief:

Tonight's The news in brief is a guest post lifted, with kind permission,  straight from a friend’s Facebook. She feels strongly about stuff and you should pay attention (especially if you get to decide what counts as a luxury:)

“I swear, if I see one more smug twat waxing lyrical about how everyone who gets periods should be using a moon cup, on any/every post regarding the tampon tax, I will cut a bitch. You are entirely missing the point!

*warning - rant ahead concerning periods. No pissbabies allowed.*

The whole point of people being angry about the fact that menstrual hygiene items are taxed as "luxury" items is because there is no alternative for many people and we're essentially being taxed for sex-specific uncontrollable bodily functions. It's fuck all to do with what's better for your body, the environment or what you deem as convenience.

Are all you people going to be going round supplying moon cups to homeless women and then providing clean and safe places for them to change/empty/clean them? Because if not, changing a used tampon for a clean one safely locked in a public toilet cubicle and disposing of it in the sanitary bin ,looks a bit easier.

Are you going to pop round to every disabled person who can't  bend/reach to insert a moon cup and giving them a helping  hand? Because, to me, being able to put a pad in your knickers and look after yourself independently during your period looks a lot more enticing than a stranger jamming a silicone pot up your hoo-ha four times a day for a week. Cheaper too.

Will you be providing safe places for ftm trans people who live with people who don't know or may be hostile towards them, so they need to have easily disposable sanitary products?

And finally, will you be providing free private health care and entirely unnecessary and invasive surgery for people like me who just *can't * use internal sanitary products because we're a bit of a funny shape down there. Nothing's wrong with us, everything works fine, we're just a bit shorter in the cervix than everyone else (long legs, short fanny, nature always compensates) but it means tampons never sit right. I doubt your hippy fad will be much better.
Fucks sake.
*end of rant*”

We also really like the use of ‘pissbabies!’

The news in brief 12th November 2015

Currently caught in traffic blogging from my phone. Swaying side to side on a double decker bus as #stormabigaile does her best to tip us over

The news in brief:

Sudden outbreak of wintery weather

UK’s infrastructure grinds to a halt at first sign of a stiff breeze

Meteorologist states the obvious

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper still super-keen to start a war with Russia

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Police criticised for doing their job

Pro tip: pissing everyone off is a very bad idea

Product placement masquerading as news

Economy still pretty shit

Hypocritical bullshit

Scaremongering bullshit

Woman sets back equality by like, seven billion years

Internet loses its shit over video game

Humanity somehow finds a way to sink even lower

Landlord has had enough of your shit

Chimpanzees are probably better people than you

Irresponsible article encourages STIs

Man unsurprisingly single

Nudes in brief: media remembers a year since you-know-who broke the Internet

And finally: sinkhole eats Gosforth

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 11th November 2015

...

The news in brief 10th November 2015

Dear Buzzfeed,

We love you. Your ‘people from [insert country] try fast food from [insert other country]’ videos are the funniest thing on the Internet that don’t involve characters from history having an epic rap battle, or cartoons depicting how films probably should have ended.

But, if you’re going to champion freedom from body-shaming and judgemental cunts on the Internet, it’s a teenie-weenie bit hypocritical to ridicule men who wear clip on man buns isn’t it? Just putting it out there.

The news in brief:

Newspaper now totally devoid of journalistic integrity

Journalist has apparently never head of The True Scotsman Fallacy

Study has remarkably low sample size

Scaremongering bullshit

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

‘Secret burial chamber’ found in grain silo…

Contract ‘not worth the paper it’s written on’

People are basically unbearable monsters

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Science will save us all

Economy still pretty shit

Turns out you need money to fund schools and police forces? Who knew?!

Masterdating is totally good for you

Newspaper reinforces gender stereotypes

Medieval morality shits all over human decency

Man gets his dying wish

Nudes in brief: Elsa Hosk

And finally:  four-year-old girl is a much better person than some of the arseholes we’ve read about tonight…  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 9th November 2015

Breaking news: Starbucks' new cups ruin Christmas 

The news in brief 8th November 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman buys house

Stop the press: singer is richer than you

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Judgemental cunts have opinions about woman’s shape

Woman has opinions about judgemental cunt’s opinions  

Woman updates social media

Woman wears dress

Woman has backside

Breaking news: woman wears hat

Ill-fitting shoes are NOT news

Pro tip: taking pictures of other people’s kids remains creepy and weird

Woman has midriff

Cleavage is still not news

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Photographer spies on bathing woman (how is this news and not, you know, a crime?!)

Woman goes for a walk

Woman gets off aeroplane

In a world of 7 billion humans beings, or which approximately 3.5 billion are women, it’s surely not that newsworthy that two of them have slightly similar dresses?

Stars in their bras: Pia Miller

And finally: man fails to correctly align his head to the universally recognised ‘angle of maximum reflection’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…       

The news in brief 6th November 2015

The news in brief:

Boy does wrong thing for right reasons

Breaking news: authorities behave entirely appropriately

Kid lucky to not be American

Man drives like an entitled bellend

KKKostume must have seemed like a good idea at the time

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Allegedly remains the hardest word to say

Thieving cunts take advantage of the elderly

Looks like we're going to have some weather

Teachers confuse school for detention centre

Housing market officially mental

Scaremongering horseshit

Ill woman trolled for being too thin

Healthy woman trolled for being too fat

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspapers focus on a skewed sample

General public oddly content with snooper’s charter (or do the papers just pick the letters they want us to read?)

Pro tip: man on the moon probably not Hitler

Product placement still isn't news

Sideboob in brief: Jennifer Lawrence

And finally: joyless cretins want to ruin everything

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 5th November 2015

The news in brief:

Breaking news: author plans to write book

Global economy looking up. You're probably still poor though…

Here's a thought: how about we stop blaming the victims?

Mad suggestion that rules apply to everyone

Pro tip: cyclists can be dicks too

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Volcanos are sometimes hot

Nation prepares to celebrate grizzly execution

Child suspended for imaginary bow and arrow

Advert somehow ruins the magic of Christmas

Skynet wants to reply to your emails

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Hot tip: spontaneous combustion probably not a thing

First dates getting cheekier

Magazine reveals mankind's trillionth ‘6th' sense

New theory ignores shitpile of evidence

Newspaper continues to trade on fear and mistrust

Apparently beggars can be choosers

Newspaper vilifies benefits claimant

Can't help but feel council at least partly to blame...

Woman probably didn't realise people watch tv

Newspaper probably didn't realise the slippery slope argument was a logical fallacy

Stars in their bras: Blake Lively

And finally: Photographer learns not to fuck with a pachyderm

Reading the news so you don't have to….

The news in brief 4th November 2015

The news in brief: 

Rachel Dolezal identifies as black. She was born white, to white-european parents but emotionally and philosophically she feels like she's black.

The Internet feels ways about this. The Internet has not been kind.

Germaine Greere doesn't agree that someone born male can be a woman. She thinks that even if you identify emotionally and philosophically as a woman the luncheon meat truncheon you were born with excludes you from the club.

The Internet feels ways about this. The Internet has not been kind.

Are we the only ones who smell the tangy whiff of hypocrisy? Either way here's the Summary Squirrel’s thoughts on the subject:

The news in brief 3rd November 2015

The news in brief 3^rd November 2015:

Last week, the World Economic Forum produced a list of 14 things that top earners, chief big-wigs and people who-don’t-shop-at-Lidl do before breakfast. Prepare to snort derisively because it’s a doozy:

1. Wake up early  
2. Drink water not coffee
3. Exercise
4. Work on a top-priority business project
5. Work on a personal-passion project
6. Invest in family time (apparently this can include ‘cooking a big family breakfast,’ so really successful people can have breakfast before breakfast. But when we do it’s just fat*)
7. Connect with spouses
8. Make your bed
9. Network over coffee
10. Meditate to clear your mind
11. Write down things you're grateful for
12. Plan and strategise for the day ahead
13. Check your email
14. Read the news

Jesus shit in a handbag! Ain’t no-one got time for that? Here’s a more realistic list of 14 things that The news in brief does before breakfast:

1. Hit the snooze button at least twice.
2. Drink coffee.
3. Look in the mirror and question if we were that jowly yesterday
4. Prey for an asteroid so we don’t have to go to work
5. Do enough of last night’s dishes so that an unexpected visitor wouldn’t think we were animals
6. Wrestle a protesting child into a clean nappy
7. Argue with spouse about which cupboard things live in
8. Decide that no-one’s going to see your bed but you and life’s too short to climb those stairs again
9. Contemplate how you can both ‘drink water and not coffee’, and ‘network over coffee’ before breakfast. Is this Schrödinger’s coffee?
10. Try to convince child that they don’t need to watch the same episode of Bing Bunny again and again and again…
11. Realise all the things you’re grateful for are in your house and it’d sure be nice to spend some time there
12. Try to work out how long it’s been since you last took a sick day.
13. Check your Facebook. Get irrationally angry at everyone who isn’t at work today.
14. Question if it’s time to go back to bed yet.

 Reading the news so you don’t have to…

*Chuck Norris can have breakfast before breakfast

The news in brief 2nd November 2015

The eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed that we forgot to post The news in brief yesterday. We’d like to tell you that there’s some fantastically clever and important reason, but in all honesty, we forgot. Our bad.

The news in brief Celebrity Special:

Celebrity cook doesn’t cut the mustard (or much else for that matter)

Might have been easier to just buy a poppy…

Social media strikes again!

Family spends time together

Newspaper still stalking people’s kids

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears bikini

Woman updates social media

Celebrity cleavage is still NOT news

Woman wears jacket

Stop the press: celebrity pops to the shops

Man dresses appropriately for activity

Perving on 16-year-olds is still weird and wrong even if they’re male

People wear Halloween costumes at Halloween

Woman has legs

Pregnant woman caught minding her own business

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty    

Digital photography helps perpetuate media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Rita Ora

And finally: woman goes for a jog (photographer snaps her arse)

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 30th October 2015

Happy Halloween you fantastic bastards!

The news in brief 29th October 2015

The news in brief:

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID!

Cybercriminals just aren't fun anymore

Politician is a hypocritical arse

Oppressive regime slightly less oppressive

Study states the obvious: 90 year-old has seen at least 9 decades

Population looks set to skyrocket

Skynet, sorry, Google wants to fix your head

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

People really want to see Harry Potter

CO-OP probably not haunted

Princess wears the same dress more than once… OH MY GOD WHO CARES?!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

School teacher total loses her shit

Pro tip assholes: stop taxing vaginas

Newspaper completely dismisses debilitating illness

Turns out you've probably got herpes

Medieval mortality confused by hair

Elephants probably not responsible for pay dispute. Dicks.

Happy couple share their blessings

Skydiver probably wants a new hobby

Nudes in brief: Chanel Iman

And finally: Hero toddler tells his diagnosis to do one…

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 28th October 2015

The news in brief 27th October 2015

The news in brief:

Men with beards literally full of shit

Need a new heart? Why not 3D print a new one?  

Man’s inhumanity to crabs continues apace

Secretive state surprises no-one

Newspaper oddly keen to start a war with China

Scientists figure out how to make a tractor beam  

Mass transit system fails to figure out how to ‘keep trains running when there are leaves on the line.’

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shame there’s no consensus on what counts as ‘processed.’

Stealth fracking not as hot as it sounds

Historically oppressive government turns its sights on Halloween

Pro tip: meat is safe so long as you eat it raw and still mooing. Ideally in a field.   

Social media FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

People will sell any old shit on ebay

Russian criminals own the stereotype

Slow news day? Newspaper rolls out some customer service tweets

Pro tip: women are people and not commodities

Modern art is rubbish

Planet of the Apes may actually be a thing come 2017…

Study states the obvious: office job stifles your ability to think stuff good

Ironic dog name

Nudes in brief: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman’s Halloween costume is so much better than yours

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th October 2015

The news in brief:

Bacon will kill us all!

Sausages will kill us all!

Please God, don’t let it happen to baked beans too

Pizza giants devise way to bring hot carcinogens to your door

Controversial changes blocked controversially

Dirty hypocrites quickly change their tune

Impartial nature decides area hasn’t suffered enough

Man’s inhumanity to bears continues apace

15-year-old is smarter than you

Pro tip: stay off the fucking railway lines!

People who live in the countryside side surprised to learn that people need houses

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: too much booze is bad for you

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace   

Product placement still isn’t news…

Breaking news: people with fewer dependants tend to have more money

Newspapers start hyping up Black Friday already (since when did we do this anyway?!)

Virtual Reality headset is pretty fucking awesome

Good Samaritan saves the day

Heavy-handed bureaucrats make life even harder to sick little girl

Man angry that government didn’t budget for him

Newspapers indulges in a spot of cyberbullying

Nudes in brief: Amanda Cerny

And finally: indistinct blur probably not a ghost

Reading the news so you don’t have to…