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Sunday 31 August 2014
The news in brief 31st August 2014
The news in brief:
Russia
gently reminds the world it is a nuclear powerhouse
Whole family forgets how to person
Internet suggests that proof is a Good Thing
Mad suggestion that killing a sentient being is a Bad Thing
Science is fucking awesome
Old woman is really fucking old
Cups of tea and knitting apparently trendy now
After being chastised for saying horrible things on the
Internet, sick old woman is victim of horrible comments on the Internet…
Old man probably fitter than you!
What the hell happened in the Fudge Room?!
Attack of the giant turban
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Weather unseasonably autumnal
Siri doesn’t give a shit about your bouncy ball
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace
Theme park suggests little boy can do without life-saving
medicine
Fridge probably doesn’t cost £30,000
Attention-seeking hyper-bitch Mark II strikes again
Relax: Yellowstone supervolcano
will NOT kill us all
Skynet, I mean Google ready to launch driverless cars
Dear Six Flags, unless your rollercoaster travels through time
at a velocity other than forward at a rate of 1 second per second, or traverses
a hitherto undiscovered spatial dimension, it is NOT 4 Dimensional. Just so we’re
clear.
Giant spider probably just thirsty
Firefighter is the most decent human being on Earth
And finally: religious types offended by hardcore ninja
kissing alien lizard
Reading the news so
you don’t have
Wednesday 27 August 2014
The news in brief 27th August 2014
The news in brief:
The news in brief still
not convinced that guns don’t kill people
Handgun-dispensing vending machines apparently a thing now
Reality TV show judges make controversial decision –
Internet has feelings
Cyberbullying is NOT okay – even if she did ruin his ice-cream
Odd thing is, half a bajillion wasps should make a fuckload of
noise?!
Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you
Another group of commuters has to lift a train
Pyjamas only a touch Holocaust-y
Capital: sorted. Flag: sorted. National anthem: sorted.
Currency: Scotland
will have to get back to you on that one…
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Pop star lambasted for accurate statement
Study reveals we’re all as soft as shite
Political correctness: 1, common sense: 0
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace
Social Media rethinks its policy on graphic content
Supermarkets run out of ice and water shortages in Scotland due to
Ice Bucket challenge
Nearly half of Britons don’t pay attention to the fucking
news
Minor administrative change presented as moustache-twirling
cartoon super-villainy
Writer spoils TV show’s ending
Hey – if you’re going to report the tragic death of a
schoolgirl, have the fucking decency to grammar check the goddamned,
mother-fucking headlines
Toddler didn’t learn to swear like that on her own (toddlers
don’t read The news in brief)
Nudes in brief: Rihanna
And finally: uninhabitable shithole in London probably still costs more than your
house
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Tuesday 26 August 2014
The news in brief 26th August 2014
The news in brief
celebrity special:
Man indulges in a bit of cyberbullying
Internet celebrates man’s cyberbullying and doesn’t see the
problem…
Pot calls kettle black
Shock: model has lost her baby-weight
Family tragedy somehow our business
Woman wears dress
Couple in ‘appropriate touching in public’ scandal
Outrage: couple holds hands
Singer helps promote unrealistic expectations of beauty
Nudes in brief: Lara Bingle
Media totally ignoring the fact that celebrity has a
Transformers bag
Paparazzi catches celebrity’s children getting ice creams
(how very dare they?!)
Photographers intrude on family holiday
Woman wears bikini
Woman wears jeans
Footballer is also wearing jeans but there’s no mention of
his leg wear
Woman wears dress
Woman caught parenting IN PUBLIC!
Newspaper approves of woman’s straight hair
Newspaper also approves of same woman’s crimped hair
Actor also has great hair, but we’re going to talk about his
achievement instead
Woman has legs
Shock: woman has shoulder blades
Paparazzi catches woman eating a hamburger!
Reading the ‘news’ so
you don’t have to…
Friday 22 August 2014
The news in brief 21st and 22nd August 2014
The news in brief:
Customer service hiccup presented as news
Public upset when rules they demanded are applied them
Shadow government promises something we already have
News outlet doesn’t like singer’s clothes
Study states the obvious: brushing your teeth is good for
your teeth
Whale’s inhumanity to sea-lion continues apace
Media no longer cares about fracking, badgers and motherfucking
Boko Haram
Asshole landlord is an asshole
Shocking revelation that tenants might actually have rights
Apparently aid is a bad thing now?!
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
News from 1993 somehow ends up in today’s papers…
Monkey madness!
Turns out politics is actually pretty complicated
Heterosexual couples continue to undermine the sanctity of
marriage
Outrage: man contractually entitled to holiday
Hospital food ‘a bit shit’
Science validates Chris de Burgh
Professor confuses legitimate study for the plot of I, Robot
Pushy mum forgets how to person
‘This is a local pub for local people there’s nothing for
you here!’
Pro tip: home baker is still an amateur baker if he’s won
the blue ribbon at a village fete in Bumbleslump, Nowheresville
Nudes in brief: Italy
And finally: four year-old food critic is not impressed
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Speaking of holidays; it’s the late August Bank Holiday and
I am abdicating all responsibility beyond eating, sleeping and keeping my baby
alive. See you Tuesday.
Wednesday 20 August 2014
The news in brief 20th August 2014
The news in brief:
Giant troll offends the entire Internet
Newsreader pro police brutality
Study states the obvious: coconut is good for you
Woman really likes milk
Apparently it’s really hard to go two hours without checking
your phone
Actress looks nice in dresses
Wild speculation about woman’s knitwear
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Not killing each other apparently too much like hard work
Man’s inhumanity to man continues to mount
World agrees that beheading a dude is NOT fucking cool
Man really doesn’t like milk
No shit: sperm donors have lots of babies
Self-aggrandising wankers draw attention to themselves
Late August bank holiday weather ‘likely to be shit’
How dare a vulnerable little girl ask a few dozen people to
go a few measly hours with their delicious salty nuts in order to not die? Who
does she think she is?! #sarcasm
Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass
Common sense: 1. Weak-kneed namby-pamby liberal-lefty
bullshit: 0
Scientists need to stop what they’re doing right now and
read some Spider-Man before it’s too late!
Six-year-old hurt by outrageous deviant thundercunts
“Killer who was released from prison early only to reoffend walks free from court AGAIN after his fourth brush with the lawr” Never mind the headline, you’d think one of the leading news outlets would spell check its fucking headlines
And finally… science confirms it is okay to pee in the ocean
Reading the news so you don’t have to…
Tuesday 19 August 2014
The news in brief 19th August 2014
The news in brief how-to-look-like-an-evil-dictatorship special:
Step 1: march Amnesty International away from what you're doing with their hands in the air.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: profit
Reading the news so you don’t have to. ..
Breaking news
Breaking news: people's stupidity forces social media to label which news is real and which is satirical.
This is not satirical.
Breaking news
Breaking news: newspaper shamelessy scaremongers with inaccurate prediction hours before actual announcement
Monday 18 August 2014
The news in brief 18th August 2014
The news in brief:
Shock: liking a status on Facebook doesn’t cure cancer…
…but once a year some ladies on the Internet decide that
the way to battle cancer is to put up an embarrassing Facebook status to
confound and confuse the boys. Shhhhh, don’t tell!
And every year one of my network of super secret girl
friends gets the email and copies me in and I ruin it for everyone.
This year it seems to be gender neutral, which I suppose is
a step in the right direction, but it still doesn’t do jack shit.
‘Cos you see, you can’t cure cancer by typing anything on
Facebook if it’s not followed up by action, and you can’t raise awareness by deliberately
confusing or confounding other members of the donating, fund raising, caring,
sharing, helping, population.
Go run a race, or shake a bucket, or donate some clothes to
a charity shop, or sit in a bath of goddamned baked beans, but for the love of
whatever gods you believe in, don’t be an armchair slacktivist.
This years rules in full:
QUOTE "You shouldn't have liked or
commented! Now you have to pick one from these below and post it to your
status. This is THE 2014 BREAST & PROSTATE CANCER AWARENESS game. Don't be
a spoil sport, pick your poison from one of these and change your status, 1)
Damn my balls are sweaty 2) Just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket
3) Anyone have a tampon, I'm out? 4) How do you get rid of foot fungus? 5) Why
is nobody around when I'm horny? 6) No toilet paper, goodbye socks. 7) Someone
has offered me a job as a condom tester, but I'm hesitant. 8 )I think I'm in
love with someone, what should I do? 9) I've decided to stop wearing underwear.
10) It's confirmed, I'm going to be a Mummy / Daddy! 11) just won £900 on a scratch
card 12) I love my big bouncy boobies. 13) i swing my balls back and forth. 14)
that wasn't a fart, new pants please. Post with no explanations So sorry I fell
for it too!!!!! Looking forward to your post Shhhhh!!"
In other news:
Sweden
shows the world how to police
America
shows the world how not to police
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Israeli couple show that love really is stronger than hate. Nice
one.
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace
Minor customer service error represented as news
Strange lights in sky probably not aliens
Invasion of the giant spider
Nudes in brief: Ola Jordan
Health and fucking safety strikes again
Actors have sense of humour
Diana Watch 2014: after bright sun and torrential rain, memorial
garden understandably overgrown. Still dead.
And finally… giant swastikas make houses harder to sell
Reading the news so
you don’t have it…
Sunday 17 August 2014
The news in brief 17th August 2014
The news in brief celebrity special:
Stop the press: summery top worn IN SUMMER
Woman wears sweater
Photographer intrudes on family day out
Shock: woman has nipples
Couple’s argument is somehow our business
Attention-seeking hyper-bitch Mark II basically panhandling
on the Internet
Addiction is tragic and dangerous for everyone – even celebrities
Woman dresses appropriately for the weather
Overzealous religious types threaten to attend funeral
Heterosexuals continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage
Temporary contract comes to natural and inevitable conclusion
Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty
Outrage: women spends £12.00 on a pair of practical
day-to-day shoes
Paparazzi intrudes on people having lunch
Woman wears dress
Woman updates social media
Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes
Family goes to the beach (and for some reason we need to
know)
Woman wears bikini
Newspaper doesn’t like man’s clothes
Woman has legs
Celebrity caught going outside
Nudes in brief: everyone seems to be dressed today
And finally: bird shits in footballer’s mouth
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Saturday 16 August 2014
The news in brief 16th August 2014
It’s important that we talk about these things, so today The news in brief is handing the microphone over to a poet with something to say. Reproduced with kind permission from: http://projectshandy.co.uk/?p=846
Depression: It Takes More Than One Conversation
I’ve seen a lot of posts around on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, etc relating to the death of Robin Williams, encouraging those who suffer from depression to speak up, speak out and reach for help.They are admirable and worthy sentiments, but there’s something missing from them which I’d like to talk about here.
Depression isn’t fixed within a single conversation or admission. You need to keep talking and keep talking and keep talking. And those who are offering so valiantly to listen need to keep listening and keep listening and keep listening. Even when the things that you’re hearing might already have been said a hundred times.
I’d like to compare two different types of sickness at my workplace which I’ve witnessed in the last 12 months. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Trudy damaged her knee ligaments in an accident. She was in a lot of pain, struggling to walk around physically even with a brace and crutches, and even after one or two attempts at returning to work, she needed to take some extra time off to recover when she outpaced herself. She worked from home as much as she could, but the pain medication sometimes zonked her out and it would take her a couple of days to get back to people who had tried to contact her.
Nowhere was she met with anything less than absolute sympathy and compassion. When people saw her or talked on the phone, the first thing they asked was ‘How are you feeling, how’s the leg?’ and they listened with sympathy and patience as Trudy described her struggles with the medicine, the frustration of not being able to walk and the wish to return to work full time. People described her as brave and spoke of her with admiration when she did return only to need more recovery time.
Then there’s Rachel. Rachel’s father had a stroke and ended up in intensive care in hospital. Her mother and extended family rallied around him, but Rachel took it very hard. She was based far away from her family and wasn’t able to be there in person very often. Once her father’s condition improved to the point where he could breathe without a ventilator, she returned to work after two days compassionate leave.
But then depression hit her, and it hit her severely. She was in and out of work for some time, often working from home and making phonecalls instead of attending face to face meetings. She was pretty upfront about her struggles with her immediate team, including her manager and me, one of her closer colleagues. Most people knew about her depression, even if they didn’t know the details of how or why.
Rachel and I were due to attend a nationwide conference a few months after her father’s illness. The rest of our department attended too. Rachel managed one day, and then had to call me to say she was too ill to drive, because her depression medication had knocked her out.
When Rachel didn’t turn up, a few staff asked what had happened to her. I explained that her medication had made her unsafe to drive and I was going to fill in for her. One of them, in relative innocence, asked whether it was medication for her depression. Another said, in reply, ‘Oh yeah, she mentioned that a while ago, I thought she’d be better by now. Surely she doesn’t still need those drugs, does she?’
No she wasn’t better at all. She was terrified every time someone from her family called her. She worried about her father incessantly. She was isolated from her family by distance, trying her best to work and keep up with the demands of her job and struggling to keep her everyday life going.
At this point, Trudy walked up. Literally walked, but with a cane for support. The two members of staff fell upon her with coos and oohs and ahhs. The same person who had commented on Rachel’s continuing issues said:
“Oh you poor thing, you’ve struggled on for ages since coming out of that brace, you must be longing to get better.”
In that moment I realised the difference between how people react to a long term physical illness and a recurrent mental illness.
Rachel had done what all the advice about depression suggests. She had talked about it, been open about it, never hid why she was struggling. However, she was still battling against the perception that after discussing it and being open about it and taking some tablets, she should be ‘better’. It was understandable to these people that Trudy would take a long time to recover from an injury, that she would need several attempts to get stronger and return to work and that it would require persistence on her part. It was harder for them to accept that in Rachel’s case.
Rachel ended up taking some more time off, but she called me before coming back to work a few months later. We spoke for a while about how she was feeling, and she said that she had called me as one of the first because she knew I wouldn’t ask if she was ‘feeling better’. Rachel knew about my own struggles with mental health issues and anyone who’s been through it themselves will know that ‘better’ is not really something that you attain on a permanent basis. There’s no bench mark for feeling ‘better’, like there would be for someone like Trudy, who will be ‘better’ when she can walk again with no assistance and no pain. When you struggle against your own brain chemistry, you learn to be grateful for the good days and accept that bad days can come with no warning.
Admitting that you have depression is a really brave first step. But it takes a different sort of persistence to keep people aware that your struggles are an ongoing issue, and the fact is that people who don’t understand how the illness works will think that you are ‘milking it’ if you talk about it more than once. There are no constant physical reminders that people suffer with depression. The only way to keep people aware of your struggles is to keep talking about it. And that gets both boring to do, and frankly boring to listen to, especially if you can’t see any evidence of the sickness that the person is talking about.
The first time you tell someone that you are depressed you will get sympathy. Because people are now aware that this is how they should respond. The public awareness campaigns have done their jobs.
After a time you may begin to feel better, but if it re-surges and you begin to feel bad again, you have to explain yourself all over again. The second time you tell people, there will be some resignation. Because this is old news now. You’ve been through this. People think it’s like chicken pox, that once you’ve survived it you can have some form of immunity and tool kit to deal with it. They wait for you to remember your training, for you to return to ‘normal’, because you proved you could do it once.
A second recovery will be greeted with relief. Perhaps now things will be back to normal. Woe betide you should you suffer a third attack. Telling people once again that you are feeling depressed, which to you might feel like being trapped behind a thick glass of numbness and struggling to breathe through chest pains while you mental list reasons to carry on living, you might get a raise of the eyebrows and a ‘hmmmm’. Skepticism. How can this human keep malfunctioning? Are they actually sick, or are they just wanting special treatment. They don’t look any different to anyone else, after all. There is a pattern to this behaviour now, and some people will begin to ascribe it to your character rather than your medical well being.
The fourth time you bring it up, you might start to get pointed looks and stares along with comments about how they ‘thought you would be feeling better by now’. People will start asking things like ‘Is this really the job for you if you can’t cope?’ Or ‘have you tried approaching life through a more positive mindset? Or taking up a new hobby to distract you?’
Patience wears thin for struggles which are invisible yet repetitive. Admitting that you have depression once does not make the problem go away, even if you experience a period of recovery. It’s a roller coaster which lasts throughout life, along with all the peaks and troughs and sharp corners.
Every bout of depression leaves the sufferer feeling weaker than the last. Because it’s like being punched in an old bruise. And yet as time goes on, public patience and support lessen, wane, fade and disappear exactly when they need it most. People have described Robin Williams as ‘battling’ with depression, they don’t know how apt a statement that is. It’s an ongoing war, a crisis inside your own head. There might be periods of peace, or at least a truce or ceasefire, but you live in fear of the next onslaught. After a while, public sympathy becomes exhausted. You are seen as the creator of your own circumstances, because they begin in your head, and people believe that you should be in control of your own head. The very point behind Mental Illness is that you’re not. You have to fight for the controls of your own existence and even when you have them, there’s no guarantee you’ll hang onto them or have a smooth ride.
Encouraging people to come forward is one thing. And it’s a good thing. Nobody should have to suffer in silence. But if you are encouraging a depressive person to speak, you may need to be aware that they will need to speak more than once. A lot more than once. And to them the horror of their own mental landscape is just as real each time, even though the story might sound the same to you.
The news in brief 15th August 2014
Breaking news: Attention-seeking hyper-bitch Mark II sets
back women’s by 30,000 years…
The news in brief 14th August 2014
Breaking news: BBC interviews more pretty girls getting their A-level results
Wednesday 13 August 2014
The news in brief 13th August 2014
The news in brief:
No riff-raff allowed!
UK
commemorates 50 years of not being a barbaric medieval state
Priest is ‘a bit of an arsehole’
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Extremists in Oxford
UKIP MEP thinks we should return to being a barbaric
medieval state
Man’s inhumanity to man apparently knows no limits
New rules not really that hard to understand – but headline
whips up a frenzy anyway
BBC Three schedulers ‘not psychic’
Internet trolls pick on dead man’s daughter
Economy not quite as shit
Both sides agree to stop killing each other for a few more
days
Loom bands will kill us all!
Nudes in brief: Bianca Gascoigne
MP dramatically oversimplifies complicated situation
Turns out that the camera does lie
Spoilers: soap opera plot set to be angsty and melodramatic
Study states the obvious: exploration is good for you kids
UN needs to recruit a mob of hardcore roughneck
Dress code may be a bit heavy-handed
Parks make you fat… wait, what?!
Pro tip: don’t ask Siri where to hide the body
And finally: 14 year old boy amazing at hide-and-seek
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Tuesday 12 August 2014
The news in brief 12th August 2014:
The news in brief:
New contender for the title of attention-seeking-hyperbitch
makes joke about tragic death of beloved entertainer and tortured soul as part
of relentless campaign to be famous for absolutely nothing
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Monday 11 August 2014
The news in brief 11th August 2014
The news in brief:
Attack of the two-headed dolphin!
GP surgery not so keen on free speech
Popcorn will kill us all!
Tinned tomatoes will kill us all!
Artificial sweetner will kill us all!
White chocolate will kill us all!
Pea shoots will kill us all!
Bread will kill us all!
Swordfish will kill us all!
Sweetcorn will kill us all!
Food colouring will kill us all!
Basically don’t eat anything
Science is fucking awesome
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Trains are fucking dangerous and family is very, very lucky
Study states the obvious: tickets bought at different times
and from different websites may not cost the same…
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace
Mad suggestion that a woman’s body is her own doesn’t go
down so well
Pro-tip: parcels don’t go on the roof
Christmas presents from people who don’t really know you set
to get worse
‘Free health care’ not really that hard a concept
Stop the press: relationships work better when you like each
other
Doctors are not psychic
An ebola vaccine would be pretty sweet about now
Nudes in brief: Dita Von Teese
And finally… now you can buy your cat a Kim Jong Un scratching
post
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Sunday 10 August 2014
The news in brief 10th August 2014
The news in brief celebrity special:
Woman wears hat
Celebrity vulnerable to the elements
Woman wears party dress to party
Woman wears bikini
Newsflash: siblings don’t always get along
Paparazzi catches woman doing housework
Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty
Photographer intrudes on family day out
Boobs are apparently news now
Most patronising birthday message of all time
Woman not so good at budgeting
Woman has legs
Woman dresses appropriately for the weather
Paparazzi intrudes on couple’s romantic moment
Woman wears dress
Reality TV show a bit shit
Wild speculation about celebrity’s love life
Stop the press: man drinks smoothie!
Man has penis
People quick to judge sports personality’s life choices –
these people are cunts
Actor is normal person when not at work
Nudes in brief: Amy Willerton
Pop star apparently a bit grim
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Saturday 9 August 2014
The news in brief 9th August 2014
The news in brief:
What could be more quintessentially English than ‘The Great
British Bake Off?’ Tea cakes, crumpets and innuendo, all inside a marquis in
the grounds of a stately home. For those of you who have been living under a
rock the last five years or live outside the United Kingdom, it’s a game show
where amateur bakers compete in a series of challenges to find a star baker. Each
week a contestant goes home until only the winner remains. There’s also a nice
educational bit where hosts Mel and Sue learn about the origins of old timey
pies and puddings. It’s wonderful, gentle and insanely popular.
Whoever would imagine that such a charming and endearing bit
of telly would attract the gormless, bile-filled hate-mongers that populate the
dank underbelly of the Internet? Well sadly it did and a contestant got it in
the face with both barrels.
Reproduced with her kind permission (someone-on-the-telly-spoke-to-me-on-Twitter-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-that-makes-me-famous)
is that contestant’s kick-ass response:
Since learning of the GBBO transmission date, I decided to branch out. I have just discovered (over the last week) the joys of Twitter. It is indulgent and silly, fun and fast and also a little bit exciting. I fear it has dredged up within me both a little bit of narcissism and a little bit of neurosis. The ever moving accumulative total of followers strokes your ego and bashes it at the same time. Do they like me? Oooh they love me!! Oh they are being mean about me. Oh they unfollowed me. Yay they retweeted me! Oh good god why am I putting myself through this?
You quickly move into a mindset which pretty much infiltrates every action, thought, environment, activity. Tweet what you’re doing. Tweet where you are. Tweet what you’ve eaten. Tweet what you’re going to eat next. Tweet pictures of dogs in hats. An endless stream of Tweets in case your followers decide not to follow you anymore. And the hashtags. #needtothinkofreallyfunnythingstoattempttogettrending. #needtolearnnottoputspacesinthemiddleofmywordseventhoughitcomesreallynaturallywhentyping.
Then there is the handle. So I am a therapist. I bake. I have just set up my own website call BakeTherapy (this one!). So, I think to myself, I am a Bake Therapist. I register with Twitter and pop in my handle with the obligatory commercial at: @baketherapist. It would appear that I now cook sex offenders in my spare time. The underscore, I was told frequently in my first few Twitter days, is my best friend.
My foray into Twitter therefore has been lots of fun. Well, that was until today when I uncovered a slightly darker side. I had heard of the trolls and keyboard warriors out there, sitting in an anonymous room, projecting their misery and vitriol onto others through insults and unkind words. But today I found that people were being openly mean. It appeared, under their own names, proud of their malice and hurt. The subject of the nastiness was of course my weight.
Now I think I always knew that if there was going to be a focus at some point or other on the large – fat – woman making cakes and pies on the telly. When the press were given our photos and biogs last week, a few papers took it upon themselves to call me ‘jolly’. Does anyone know of a thin, glamorous, non red cheeked person being described as ‘jolly’?. The word is stunningly mimetic. As soon as I read it I felt the flap of bingo wings and the ripple of belly. And not just my own. So, yes, I get it, I’m fat and there is something poetic about a large woman in an apron spooning buttercream onto cake and talking about how much she loves pies. I don’t profess to be a healthy weight. I fully admit I am greedy. I am happy to share with anyone that I am a size 22 and my BMI is really not in any way shape or form ideal. I am also not proud of it. I have spent my life fat or thin, ballooning then slimming, ballooning then slimming. Maybe it’s a sign of my fragile willpower, a reflection of my emotional woes. Maybe I am just not very good at maintaining my weight. Maybe I’m just greedy. What I do know is that my weight (anyone’s weight) is not a reason to denigrate everything I do, nor can you define me by this alone. A person should not be defined by any aspect of their appearance. For a second today I felt like I shouldn’t have been in that tent because I am fat. The fact that I have achieved some of the things I have achieved was momentarily forgotten.
One thing I do think about when I see these comments is how the authors are happy for people to perceive them this way. I know if I tweeted/wrote/said something as nasty as this (not that I would, I’d like to think I’m a little more human) my Mum and Dad and all of my family and friends would be so angry with me, and they would make me feel so very very ashamed. If we cannot as human beings monitor our own social conduct, then we must look to our companions to guide us. So maybe that is the answer. These so called trolls don’t have any significant social contact to help them monitor their own behaviour. No one cares enough or is close enough to guide them. I’d rather be fat.”
You can follow her blog here: http://baketherapy.co.uk/blog/
Reading the news so
you don’t have to… (except this time you kinda have to)
Shit.
Friday 8 August 2014
The news in brief 7th and 8th August 2014
The news in brief:
Insurance company are sore fucking losers
Feminists don’t think business owners, animal rescue or inventor
are suitable careers for little girls
Bombing schools and hospitals is NOT cool
Using children as human shields is also NOT cool
Media not so great at telling all sides of story
Medieval morality makes its opinions on women pretty clear
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Legislation prevents poor people from ever going on holiday
Iraq
situation upgraded from ‘hairy’ to ‘pretty fucking hairy’
Ebola will kill us all!
Thank heaven we’ve all forgot about fracking
People are cunts on the Internet
Man has more money than (dress) sense
Customs officers a bit heavy handed
The news in brief plans
to open first ‘88 pence’ store
Study states the obvious: videos of half-naked women
gyrating should be age restricted
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace
BBC Breakfast interviews the most contrary man in England
Extremist nurseries may or may not be a thing
Stop the press: Creationism isn’t science
Man teaches family manners (and enjoys lots of pie)
Slow news day: where do you keep your condiments?
Intolerant bint forgets how to person
Economy a bit less shit
Nudes in brief: Alyce Crawford
And finally… After a
long year, it’s time to retire the reoccurring Diana Watch gag. The mainstream
media seems to have stopped churning out glossy colour supplements about her
life and the seemingly endless parade of ‘shocking’ ‘stories’ from the people
who knew her best have finally dried up (for now at least) and maybe they’ll
finally let the poor woman finally rest in peace.
Instead, we’re going to finish with an ‘and finally…’ every
day, sharing an oblique reference to something light hearted and a bit less
swear-y.
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
Wednesday 6 August 2014
The news in brief 6th August 2014:
The news in brief:
Hipster Jihadi is a thing now
Photographer causes a bit of a stir
People are pretty stupid
Crocodile’s inhumanity to sharks continues apace
It turns out you can polish a turd
Commuters show us that not everyone is a jerk
It’s not your phone – you’re just mental
Study states the obvious: it’s time to split up if you’ve
stopped loving each other
‘Poor doors’ are a thing
Everyone should have stuff and someone else should pay for
it
67 year-old Dame puts the young ‘uns to shame
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Ceasefire survives first 24 hours.
The news in brief forever
confused why it’s so hard to not kill people
Ukraine
situation remains pretty fucking hairy
Wild speculation reported as fact
Remember: you put the unfounded bullshit on the front page
in huge font – and you bury the actual facts in small print on page 4
Women are free to be anything they want (except models,
housewives, princess…)
Once again, newspaper fails to understand why you put the ‘graphic
content’ warning before the picture of the dead body dumped in the streets, not
after. (But it’s okay, his face was pixalated…)
Parent neglects to parent (but of course blames everyone
else)
Elephant loves car
Nudes in brief: loom band bikini
Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead.
Tuesday 5 August 2014
The news in brief 5th August 2014
The news in brief:
Terror at 50,000 feet
Naïve commentators have no idea why jet fighter scrambled
Someone’s going to learn the very hard way why hoax bomb
threats are not cool
Opposing politicians disagree
Newsflash: Member of Parliament acts in accordance with
conscience
Despite endless media coverage, people still can’t figure
out roaming charges
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Fish!
Study states the obvious: sick people don’t like to be
patronised
Actress not proud of terrible, terrible film
Man’s inhumanity to kitty cats continues apace
Someone made a poor life choice – better start legislating
lickety-split!
Elderly couple have happiest ending possible
Cloud formation unlikely to be God
Man hypnotises cows with trombone
Parents make sensible, practical parenting choice
Commentator apparently prefers mutilation to sensible,
practical parenting choice
Woman hairs hair – whole nation flips its stack
Mobile game pretty sick – even by the news in brief’s standards (and we find some awful things funny)
Horrible monster forgets how to person
Gaza
cease fire seems to be happening
Many places, too many to name, still pretty hairy
Nudes in brief: Elliot Wright
Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
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