The news in brief 30th May 2016

There sure are a lot expert zoologists, anesthesiologists and professional marksmen out in force today. Thank shitting crikey for

This week's celebrity news in brief:

TV show gets poor reviews

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears skirt

Woman wears boots

Model models

Woman has boobs

Woman updates social media

Day to day activity of other people's kids inexplicably news

Sideboob is NOT news

Woman wears bikini

Breaking news: woman has legs

Woman has the absolute audacity to go outside without makeup on

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Couple has lunch

Professional asshole is totally the bigger person

Professional nice guy surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Chloe Ferry

And finally: dissolution of family unit is somehow public knowledge

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The news in brief referendum addendum

Today's news in brief:

With less than a month to go until the all-important referendum, it's time to do some good old-fashioned journalism.  

Good reasons to remain:

It’ll piss off Katie Hopkins

Stinky french cheeses for all

Divided we cannot hope to stand against the tentacled horror

It's probably what Jesus would do

Siestas

4 day working weeks

Free child care

2 hour lunches

It's what the lady in the street said to do

As predicted by Nostradamus

We get to stay in Eurovision

Good reasons to leave:

It'll piss off David Cameron

Strong English cheddar for all

Even united we cannot hope to stand against the tentacled horror

It's probably what Jesus would do

Properly motivated workers don't need naps

7 day working week

Children can get jobs too, lazy beggars

People with no money can't eat lunch

It's what the poster in some dude's window says to do

As predicted by ancient Mayan calendar

If Australia can be in Eurovision so can we...

We hope this helps you make an informed,  educated and well-reasoned choice on June 23rd.

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The news in brief 25th May 2016

Today's news in brief:

Starscream and Jazz clash at PMQT

Angry protests everywhere

Economy looking pretty fucking ropey

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Shape-shaming is still a thing

People are outraged on that there Internet

Egyptian goddess wants her name back

Pro tip: stuff outside of London matters

Chilcot Enquiry part 1 will be released in July. Part 2 will be out next summer…

Gigantic waste of food inexplicably pisses off people without food

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Terrorists make some pretty chilling threats

Killer sheep attack!

Child says what we're all thinking

Chances are you're shit at sex

Please continue to hold. Your call is totally important…  

President drops the mic

Study states the obvious: sugar is still bad for you

Nudes in brief: Salma Hayek

And finally: man who really fucking deserves it wins the lottery

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The news in brief 24th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories

The news in brief 23rd May 2016

Today's news in brief:

Skynet is watching you bone

Woman says what we're all thinking

Man's shadow probably not haunted

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

It's probably not aliens

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Vampire fish will kill us all

Minor customer service failure masquerading as news

More optical fucking illusions

Fracking will kill us all

Country that can't manage universal sanitation shoots rocket into space

Outrage as rules applied equally

Lions make terrible pets

Brexit will fuck us all!

Brexit will make our lives idyllic

Biopiracy is totally a thing

Terror threat is pretty fucking chilling

Study states the obvious: too much sugar is bad for you

Stars in their bras: Caroline Flack

And finally: little girl tells it like it is

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The news in brief 22nd May 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Friends spend time together

Couple ties the knot

Woman wears dress

Woman updates social media

Sideboob is NOT news

Even celebrities fancy a kebab sometimes

Personal problems inexplicably our business

Paparazzi intrudes on romantic moment

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper continues to ogle minor

Man wears hat

Model has her picture taken

Woman’s weight is none of our business

Actor wears sweater

Woman dresses for the weather

Man caught buying snacks

Newspaper has opinions about dude's hair

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Breaking news: woman smokes cigarette

Stars in their bras: Holly Hagan

And finally: couple caught jogging together

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The news in brief 20th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Our thoughts are with the families of the missing passengers and crew of the EgyptAir flight. We were respectfully silent last night, but the show must go on…

Idiot needlessly stirs the pot

Golf club votes to stay in the stone age

Medieval justice system treats people like shit

Mystery star really keen to keep threesome secret

General public inexplicably keen to know about stranger's sex life

State reminds women that they don't own their own bodies

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Politician sets equality back by 50 years

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pandas desperate to go extinct

China / US situation upgraded from ‘entirely flaccid’ to ‘a bit hairy ‘

NASA’s new robot is pretty awesome

Stars are really fucking old

Blackmailer forgets all about CCTV

Respected broadcaster enjoys a bit of victim blaming

Study states the obvious: vain people are vain

Nudes in brief: Tiffany Watson

And finally: China is not exporting corned human

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The news in brief 18th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 17th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Move over Phillip Schofield, The news in brief has a new hero!

People act like shits on the Internet

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Mad suggestion that girls can wear trousers

Optical fucking illusions

Bananas will kills us all!

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: bison do not belong in cars

Writer reminds world that freedom of speech belongs to everyone, not just the people you agree with

Bastards take advantage of people's desperation

Kid probably smarter than you

Because jumping out of aeroplanes on broomsticks is totally kicking rad

Weather set to get increasingly summer-y

Just for the record, no-one is stopping you wearing high heels either

Terrorists unlikely to be stopped by tasers

BBC might be a little bit biased

Let's just keep referenduming until we get the answer we want…

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Stars in their bras: Chloe Sims

And finally: magic mushrooms may not be the answer

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The news in brief 16th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Dummy spat 3662 miles

Fluorescent hate pumpkin can dish it out but can't take it

Man wants to get them out and measure them

Pro tip, assholes: ignorance is not measured by IQ test

Hordes of men still obsessed with enforcing dress codes that have shit all to do with them

Priest sure has a lot of money

Police intercept a metric fuckload of drugs

Castle still cheaper than a house in London

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Country needs help working out if executing the mentally handicapped is a bad thing or not…

Mad suggestion that gay couples can be great parents too

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Political superpower miffed about pointless talent show

Bronze Age dude probably didn't have too much to say about Netflix

Skynet probably hates you too

Nature can totally kick your arse

Study states the obvious: there’s porn on that there Internet

Nudes in brief: technically everybody featured on Porn Hub

And finally: town to build a place for goths to play

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The news in brief 14thish May 2016

The news in brief Eurovision special:

Pretty sure the host just said he can eat corpse again?!

Another one bites the dust, hey Belgium?! Also she's shit

Czech Republic went to the Adele school of can we not, I see

Netherlands borrowed a set from Doctor Who and a song from Conway Twiddy

Dear Azerbaijan, you will need a miracle!

Hungary's backing singers have been the highlight so far…

Italy's entrant is the least offensive thing so far. This is not a compliment.

Israel nicked Peter Davidson's special effects and Evanescence's song

Unleash the gyrobikes!

Bulgaria's rocking the Tron set dressing and the traffic sign earrings.

She's really keen on bicycle safety

Sweden had better be fucking sorry

Helpful instructions are always good

Germany going for the Nightmare before Christmas meets Sailor Moon

I think those backing singers are going to send her to the Phantom Zone

French guy just did a superhero landing on a moon. Goddamned Hardcore. Shame the song’s shit.

Are those bagpipes?!

Dear Poland, only Freddie Mercury can be Freddie Mercury.

Flash up more random words!

AUSTRALIA?! That special guest that came for dinner and are still here three days later.

Australia's entrant has access to JARVIS and ALL THE SEQUINS!

Cyprus trying to capture the spirit of Lordi and aren't sucking.

Isn't this a Kelly Clarkson song?

SEIZURE BOTS ATTACK!

Terrible ballard, weird dancers, sinnister backing singers... Serbia wheeling a cut-and-paste Eurovision classic.

Lithuania's been wetting for this nice? Wait? What?!

Tree Fu Tom is kicking the shit out of this one

Croatia just pulled a technopunk bucks fizz.

LOOK OUT FOR THOSE ASSASSINS!

Credit where it's due Russia. Great performance

Excuse me whilst I ride my space iceberg

Spain, basketball vests are not formal wear. Even if they're sparkly and sequined

Sampling music from Goldeneye 64 is a nice touch

Malta's Maria Carey clone is trying her best to ignore the terrible dancer

Georgia hoping all the strobes will distract from the terrible wankfest

The White Stripes called, they want their everything back...

This sounds like pokémon battle music

This is the first time I've heard our entry. On behalf of the Queen, Paddington Bear and Uncle Bulgaria, I'd like to apologise

Dick and Dom: the musical.

Armenia's superhero costume is pretty fierce. Shame about the everything else

MY GOD WOMAN, STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF!

The halftime show was pure comedy genius. Worth the two and a half hour shitshow beforehand. Bravo.

Sweden loves a bit of Brasseye and so do we 

Holy Christ, we're actually doing alright?!

We didn’t win

Staying up to watch this shit so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 13th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Turns out the government's been feeding us bullshit

Faithful manservant possibly psychotic

Teen goes all John Steed over unsuspecting burglar

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: men can get depression too

Legions of men inexplicably keen to tell women what they should wear on their feet

Trains getting shitter by the day

Newspaper shamelessly exploits victim

Allegedly intelligent human being needs told not to shoot fire at her face

Economy still pretty fucked

Apparently making people hate their bodies is big business

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Scaremongering bullshit

Queen planning to get a pizza from the deli, a few cans and a couple of DVD. Maybe.

Supply and demand inexplicably still a surprise

DWP makes another questionable decision

Breastfeeding mothers still catching shit

BBC asked to stop flooding airways with tired old crap

Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Stars without bras: Kate Hudson

And finally: attention-seeking hyper-bitch unsurprisingly voices contrary opinion

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The news in brief 12th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Product placement masquerading as news

Product has terrible name anyway

Wearside very happy with the Football results

Tyneside not very happy with the Football results

Either way, Tyne and Wear possibly hung over

Breaking news: turns out space is really fucking big

Mad suggestion that free health care might be a Good Thing

Otherwise civilised national ends medieval douchebaggery

Tactless bastard really likes money

We're one step closer to travelling in tubes!

Woman sent home for not being sexy enough

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

People really are selfish assholes

Housing market downgraded from ‘ridiculous’ to ‘super mega ridiculous.’

Newspaper continues its propaganda war against welfare claimants

Pot calls kettle black

Epic slur ‘probably just a misprint’

Queen’s umbrella unavailable for comment

Study states the obvious: endless naked selfies might be bad for people's self esteem

Nudes in brief: Megan McKenna

And finally: cosplayer really hates drones

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The news in brief 11th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories

The news in brief 10th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Kid pretty fucking wicked at archeology

Lost ancient city almost certainly cursed

Prestigious news website trawls its archives for something to post

Newspaper confuses cyber-bullying for news

Media ‘totally not biased, honest.’

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

News promptly lost interest once stabbing declared not terrorism-related

PM puts his foot in his mouth

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Crocodiles are pretty fucking scary

Minor customer service failure masquerading as news

Scaremongering bullshit

Newspaper wheels out article from 1996

English confused by warm weather

Brutal dictatorship continues to surprise no-one

Farmer is one outrageously patient man

Science says it's healthy to crack one (or two) out, so don't let us stop you!

Good old fashioned witch hunt posing as journalism

Stars in their bras: Bella Hadid

And finally: when you have to trawl Mumsnet for stories, it is totally a Slow News Day

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The news in brief 9th May 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Artist shares her vagina canoe

Secretive dictatorship surprises no-one

BBC news probably a bit fluffy

Breaking news: maths is hard

Algebra will kill us all

Turns out there's sugar in everything

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Country tells state to get its shit together

State tells country to go fuck itself

Internet thing sweeps the Internet

Pro tip assholes: power drills are not cutlery

Study suggests exercise might be good for you

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

UK experiencing suspiciously summery weather

6 year-old's inexplicably shit at handling adult pressure

Zombie apocalypse ‘coming along nicely’

Study states the obvious: half your mates don't like you

Diana Watch 2016: princess needs her bush trimmed. Still dead.

Stars in their bras: Krysten Ritter

And finally: naked gardening apparently a thing now

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