The news in brief 30th June 2015

The news in brief:

Leap seconds are apparently a thing

Festival-goer has pretty shitty day

Innocent child has even shittier day

Trains may be delayed due to wrong kind of heat

European Union set to soil itself at midnight (thank Christ for that leap second)

Mad suggestion that jobs should go to the best qualified

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Apparently sperm can have a religion now

Study states the obvious: a giant asteroid would seriously fuck Earth’s shit up

Mankind wages war against seagulls

Search engine is a little bit racist

UK ignores tennis champion (because apparently women in wheelchairs aren’t interesting enough…)

Economy still pretty shit

American attention-seeking hyper-bitches eclipse home-grown British varieties

Scaremongering is not news

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Sex toys mistaken for terrorist iconography

Science is pretty fucking awesome: new cancer drug is totally amazing

Channel 4 undermines the sanctity of marriage

Medieval justice system destroys another life

Product placement is not news

Skinny jeans will kill us…. Wait, didn’t we already settle this?!

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski  

And finally: famous landmarks are less impressive from behind…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 29th June 2015

The following is a public service announcement from The news in brief:

When was the last time you went to a church hall jumble sale? Last month? Last year? Ten years ago? However long it’s been, what do you remember? We remember trestle tables heaped with second-hand baby clothes, half-chewed G.I. Joe figures and homemade scones with too-hot tea served in barely watertight polystyrene cups. We also remember old people. Lots and lots of old people. Bible-types who go to church every Sunday and donate tinned fruit to the church’s Harvest Festival collection and knit scarves to sell at the Women’s Institute fete. They like to pinch little boy’s cheeks and they refuse to understand how putting the tickets back in the tombola keep the odds the same for everyone and increases the number of tickets you can sell. Do these people not want money to fix the church roof?!

We digress.     

How many times did you look at those grey-haired Jesus-botherers and think ‘I’ll bet those bile-spewing hatemongers are all members of the KKK. They should be shot, or deported, or shot then deported. Fuckers!’

The answer is probably zero.

That’s because not every Christian is a member of the KKK. The KKK are terrible human beings whilst most Christians are ordinary men and women who drink tea, eat toast and watch a bit of telly before bed. They seldom set fire to things and they are probably not inclined to lynch black people.

Somehow, this understanding doesn’t copy across to some of the impossibly vocal, but entirely slack-jawed yokels who ruin the Internet with their mindless comments about our Muslim brothers and sisters. Despite the fact that in Tunisia, groups of Muslims risked their lives to protect innocent beach-users from the recent terrorist attack, some people – some very noisy people - can’t fathom the very simple fact that not all Muslims are terrorists. Just the crazy ones.

ISIS are terrible human beings whilst most Muslims are ordinary men and women who drink tea, eat toast and watch a bit of telly before bed. They seldom blow things up and they are probably not inclined to shoot people.

It’s really not that hard, and if some of you absolute wankers who like to comment on the news could maybe apply a few milliseconds of thought before you spew bile all over your keyboards, that would be just swell.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 28th June 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Show’s final episode probably a bit awkward

Woman wears bikini

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Magazine objectifies former child actor

Photographers intrude on date night

Breaking news: couple don’t go everywhere together all the time

Family spends time together

Woman wears dress. Man’s clothes not even worth mentioning.

Shocking: couple holds hands in public

Paparazzi intrudes of friends’ day out

Woman goes outside and gets photographed

Woman wears hat

Woman goes outside, gets photographed and objectified by a national newspaper

Man updates social media

BBC has had enough of rapper’s motherducking shot

Newspaper judges woman’s clothes

Stop the press: famous people eat the same food we do

Liberal magazine is surprisingly bigoted

Woman gets coffee

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Nudes in brief: Imogen Thomas

And finally: Kanye gets Kanyed

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 27th June 2015

After yesterday’s staggeringly brutal murders by cold-blooded right-wing madhats, it didn’t seem appropriate to share one-liners about the news. Better late than never, here’s yesterday’s the News in Brief, written mostly before the bad news started happening:   

The news in brief 26th June 2015:

The news in brief isn’t just a steaming turd on the mainstream media’s chest; it’s also a platform for making the world a better place. So today, we are proud to reveal our six step plan devalue the media’s narrow definition of beauty by making everyone beautiful:

Step 1: point the overweight, acne-riddled sack of wrinkly-arsed scar-tissue you call a body at a mirror.

Step 2:  smile.

Oh dear. It looks like we sorted that out in only two steps. Let’s fill up the last four points by listing things we enjoy:

Step 3: Burritos

Step 4: Nice cups of tea

Step 5: Criminal Minds

Step 6: Scrabble

In other news:

America makes a pretty neat decision

Pro tip humans: women and girls are people too.  

One example does not a study make

Skinny jeans probably won’t kill us all

School tip to where now?! Whatever happened to trips to the local zoo?

The devil is probably not at large in Devon

Man’s inhumanity to sheep continues apace

Oi, Rowling, any chance you can write the play down first, in a book maybe?

Trains are getting shittier

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Study states the obvious: people who buy nicer things tend to have more money

Customer service is a bit shit

Nudes in brief: Chloe Madeley

And finally: Gorilla is pretty photogenic…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th June 2015

The news in brief:

We struggled to come up with something funny to say tonight, but in the weight of the shocking terrorist attack in our own backyard, it seems disrespectful to crack any yucks.

Today’s post can wait until tomorrow.   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 25th June 2015

The news in brief:

Attack of the giant, undead Canadian goldfish

The Queen is a stone-cold badass. And that’s why we love her!

Great news: beer might be good for you

Hover fucking board!

Speeder bikes!

Pro tip: porcupine is bad for you

Russia situation getting a little ‘cold war-ish’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Apparently France is just terrible…?     

88 year old veteran takes no shit

Government accused of naughty goal-post shifting

Wild Ostrich appeared!

Species desperate to go extinct decides to give survival one more go

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount 

If this happened to a woman it wouldn’t be funny…

Newspaper wheels out a scaremongering fluff piece to fill out its pages (pretty sure we found the testicle-eating fish last year…) 

Greece it’s the time, it’s the place, it’s the moment

Videogames getting the blame again – Super Mario unavailable for comment*

Economy still pretty shit

Cling film will kill us all

Newspaper wheels out a sexist meme from like, 2004, to fill out its pages

Political correctness gone mad

Nudes in brief: Shanina Shaik 

And finally: saddest wedding of all time shows us that there is still much love in world...

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

*Super Mario was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous source did have the following to say:

“Wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga”

He wouldn’t give us his name, but he did pop a pill before chasing off after some ghosts…

The news in brief 24th June 2015

The news in brief:

Once again, the Summary Squirrel gets right to heart of today’s breaking news….  

The news in brief 23rd June 2015

The news in brief:

The news in brief isn’t just an ironic roundhouse kick in the face to mainstream media; it’s also a platform for making the world a better place. So today, we are proud to reveal our six step plan to providing mankind with clean, renewable, sustainable energy: 

Step 1: Round up a whole bunch of people who comment frequently on Internet news articles

Step 2: Kill them

Step 3: Cover them in magnets

Step 4: Bury them in coffins wrapped in copper wire

Step 5: Publish an article about gay marriage / accepting transgender / religious tolerance. A story about a mixed-race, gay marriage where one is transgendered and the other is Muslim would be ideal. Bonus points if one of them is overweight or on benefits.  

Step 6: When the commentators start spinning in their graves: Science!

In other news:

Pyramid probably not built by aliens

Study states the obvious: people have opinions about shit they don’t understand

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Human beings are basically awful people

Pro tip: LGBT people are people too. It’s the second fucking word. Reading’s not that hard is it?

Attention drones: prepare to work until you die

News remembers women’s world cup exists

People generally disapprove of illegal invasions

Skinny jeans will kill us all

Greece is the way we are feeling

I guess some people really like nuts…

“[The Simpsons] have been gracing our screens for over 15 years…” Headline article is ten years out of date

Nudes in brief: Lena Dunham (but only her bottom half)

And finally: grandfather invent product that’s been around for quite a while now…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 22nd June 2015

The news in brief:

The eagle-eyed amongst you will notice that The news in brief was missing in action last night. That’s because E. L. James taught us about things that people do to their bodies with peeled ginger. After that we had to go and bleach our brains, eyes and imaginations.

By the time we finished gouging out our mind’s eyes it was time to go to bed. So here’s last night’s slightly overdue celebrity special:

Dinosaur probably not racist

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch takes pot shot at newborn

Breaking news: swimwear is meant to be tight fitting

Wardrobe malfunction

Father and son caught spending time together

Woman wears clothes whilst outside

Woman wears boots

If you have to use a long lens to photograph it, is it actually a public display of affection?

Paparazzi intrudes on honeymoon

Woman wears clothes appropriate to the weather

Stop the press: couple goes out to get coffee

Woman wears dress!

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper has feelings about woman’s clothes

Bodyshaming is NOT news

“Whoopee! Now this is pod racing!”  

The implication is that Toby Maguire isn’t stylish?!

Nudes in brief: Kate Hudson

And finally: Star Lord is a pretty rad dude

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

And in bonus content that those sad fuckers who only use Facebook won't get to see, The news in brief's on Blogger just crossed 10,000 page views! 

Admittedly the Facebook page shit all over the figure in the first six months, but we love you guys more

The news in brief 19th June 2015

The news in brief:

Some people just want to have their cake and eat it…

Mass extinction is a pretty worrying thing

Thieves take the biscuit

Statistical probability is not news

Area 51 probably not full of aliens

The robot uprising has totally begun

Crabs!

Woman did what with a dog now?!

Given an audience and anonymity, people will act like cunts

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Taxi driver lives the dream

Woman wants help making her garden more gay

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Kid is pretty fucking good at golf

Economy set to get even shitter

Sugar will kill us all!

Book review surprises no-one

North Korea cures all of the world’s worst diseases (including gullibility)  

Study states the obvious: healthy food is healthy

Product placement still isn’t news

Pro tip: it’s still terrorism, even if the bad guys are white

Nudes in brief: Lena Headey(’s body double)

And finally: another shooting and another hate crime. No fluff piece to end on today, just the sad wish that the world was a better place   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 18th June 2015

The news in brief:

We hope everyone supports the Summary Squirrel, and we hope you all join us in wishing him well...

The news in brief 17th June 2015

The news in brief:

Nutella will kill us all

Pot calls kettle black

Fracking!

Ants are fucking cunts

Supermarket leads the fight against Skynet

Dogs not cut out for the rat race

Remember kids: it’s okay to make sweeping generalisations about straight, white men…

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Clickbait is apparently news now

150,000 people think you’re full of shit

Apparently a dozen machine-gun wielding dudes in bright red jackets are hard to spot

Bees will save us all

Grexit starting to get a bit Grexciting

Work drones! Work until you drop!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Everyone loves a bargain but this is ridiculous

Study states the obvious: junk food is bad for you

Financial mishap

Economy a bit less shit

Sweden finally has a proper word for fishing coins out of a spam purse

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

And finally: normally The news in brief keeps its opinions to itself and where possible looks at stories from a few different perspectives. However, stamping on a pregnant woman and killing their baby is mother-fucking murder and we hope the scumbags rot in jail/hell.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 16th June 2015

The news in brief:

No true Scotsman fallacy out in force today

Woman tried to have her cake and eat it

Cartoon super-villain wants to take over the world

Small-minded bigotry

Economy a tiny bit better

General public struggles with the concept of ‘random selection’

Burglar defeated by folksy nature documentary

Crimewave sweeps tiny island

New law is somewhat heavy handed – and The news in brief would be fucked

New Tsar installed to deal with normal teenage behaviour

Apparently sexting and stabbing teachers aren’t that bigger deal…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: trans-fats are bad for you

Small statistical link blown out of all proportion

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Bionic hand is pretty fucking awesome

Greece is the word

Counting is not rocket science (except when it is)

Vehicles maximum carrying capacity should not come as a surprise

Newspaper indulges in a little hatemongering

Bus driver wastes police time

Indistinct blur probably not a ghost

Woman decides not to have Martian baby after all 

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: adorable octopus is adorable

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 15 June 2015

The news in brief:

Great British public suspiciously comfortable with child abduction

Cyberbulling is apparently news now

Newspaper is a gigantic hypocrite

Biblical plague

Fracking will kill us all

Killer spiders from beyond the grave

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

The world is pretty much going to shit

Health and fucking safety

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

TV has found a brand-new low to sink to

Garden ornament deceptively life-like

Happy birthday mostly outdated, but still hugely significant document

Gigantic waste of money / insufficient pirates

People have feelings about TV show

Product placement still isn’t news

Apparently it’s a two-year-old’s birthday today and this is ‘news’  

Google Maps probably not haunted

Study states the obvious: food poisoning is bad for you

Misleading headline is scaremongering bullshit  

Bet no-one’s campaigning against naturist night…

Newspaper apparently hates inclusiveness

Nudes in brief: Katy Perry

And finally: Hippo makes it home safely (no word if it is hungry, hungry)

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The news in brief 14th June 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Stop the press: child enjoys playing outside

Parent caught parenting

“Shows of her slim figure?” more like “wears clothes whilst outside”

Paparazzi intrudes on romantic moment

Couple caught spending time together

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Some celebrities go outside – this is literally the whole story

Woman’s sexuality is somehow our business

“Puts on leggy display?” more like “woman pops to the shops and gets photographed”

Woman wears jacket

Woman wears gym clothes to the gym

Man wears beach clothes at the beach

Apparently outright eying people up is news now

Newspaper likes man’s clothes

Newspaper doesn’t like man’s clothes

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Wild speculation

Newspaper tells celebrities (and by extension you) what they can and can’t wear

Man gets coffee

Man who clearly doesn’t want to be photographed is photographed

Why exactly are photographers stalking a 16-year-old girl?

Whilst we’re on it: why is a newspaper putting pictures of a minor on the Internet?

Nudes in brief: Justin Bieber

And finally: woman wears dress

Reading the neeeeeeews?! so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Breaking news: lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!

The news in brief 12th June 2015:

The news in brief:

Pro tip: boobs do not cause earthquakes

It’s probably a good idea to be respectful of other people’s cultures

Medieval morality strikes again

Study states the obvious: you should probably get some exercise

New aeroplane clearly designed by insaniac fear-wizards

Astronomers discover possible extra-terrestrial life for us to fuck up

Boy has best work experience ever

Killer re-defines ‘stone cold’

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Reasonable argument met with near-hysteria

Woman is master of disguise

Once again: stop fucking about near trains!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

We totally want a one hundred trillion dollar note!

Policeman restores faith in humanity

Newspaper really has it in for cats

Apparently, human flesh is good for your health  

Sexy robots

Deadly robots

Seriously – product placement is really, really NOT news

Owls are fucking cunts

Looks like we’re going to have some weather

Nudes in brief: Una Foden

And finally: moon tents are a thing and they are fucking awesome!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 11th June 2015

The news in brief:

Normally when someone famous dies, especially when they were very old and they die of natural causes, we tend to make some sort of sideways comment about how we get more upset about an old geezer shuffling off the mortal coil than we do the hundreds, if not thousands who die every from war, famine, abuse, greed, corruption and religion.

But come on, it’s Christopher Lee. The dude was Lord Summerisle, The Man with the Golden Gun, Dracula, a Werewolf Hunter, a Sith Lord, The White Wizard, Sherlock Holmes - Sherlock-fucking-Holmes - as well as a war veteran, fantastic beard wrangler, knight of the realm, death metal artist and the owner of the most iconic voice known to man.

So, for once we’re going to say fuck it and do a fluff piece about a famous dead guy: nice one Sir Christopher Lee.

In other news:

Heaven’s about to get its pockets picked.

Cyborg tortoise is back on its feet / wheels

Small, inconsequential accident blown out of all proportion

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Joke was actually pretty funny

Man just says what we’re all thinking

Conspiracy theorists prepare for their annual freak-out

Pro tip: try not to desecrate sacred ground

Bureaucracy: 1 – Human kindness in the face of acute suffering: 0  

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Cheese recipe is NOT news

Calm your passions: fictional family aren’t breaking up

Newspaper eyes up a minor

Operation clearly a success

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus? Again?! From now on she’s exempt from the nudes in brief…

And finally: newspaper has opinions about couple’s wedding

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th June 2015

The news in brief:

Five years of painful cuts to welfare and public services, and the Great British Public votes for more of the same. But there's one red-button issue that is a hot-topic for every Scotsman, Irish, Welsh or Englishman:

The news in brief 9th June 2015

The news in brief:

Business treats men and women the same

Uh-oh, Euro in trouble

Product placement is still not news

Newspaper shows us a ‘life-changing food hack’ but The news in brief couldn’t be fucked to sit through all the adverts   

Exposé surprises no-one

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Feel-good story reinforces pre-prescribed gender stereotypes  

School cracks down on kids’ snack down

Mad suggestion that the law should apply to everyone equally

Russia situation still a little bit hairy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Woman caught with her fingers in the till

Drunken louts plan to keep on drinking

FIFA scandal even more scandalous

Activists dish out some pre-emptive punishment for assumed crimes…

Oi, teacher, leave them kids alone!

Yellow spiders will kill us all

People are just awful. Fucking awful.

World probably not going to end in September

NASA unaware of any near-earth objects coming to kill us any time soon

The internet is full of crazy people   

Pigs beat up Optimus Prime (we didn’t read the article, we just looked at the picture so just go with us on this one…)

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus again?! With all that Hannah Montana money, you’d think she could afford some pretty nice clothes 

And finally: bear is a pretty chill bro

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 8th June 2015

The news in brief:

New light bulb is quite possibly witchcraft

Product placement masquerading as news

Television show has upcoming plot

NASA launches flying saucer

Man sells car

Hotel does look pretty nice

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Tofu will kill us all!

Visitors fuck up a pretty nice field

Apparently ‘Shawshank’ is a verb now  

Wild speculation

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Policemen keep forgetting how to person

Man acts like a fucking prick

Author prepares to print another giant pile of money (but she’ll give most of it to charity because she’s fucking awesome)

Politics is complicated

Science is fucking awesome: robot leg can feel the terrain

Article about not being sexist is a little bit sexist

Britons generally agree that killing people is a Very Bad Thing

Medieval justice system somewhat keen to end another life  

Middle East situation escalated from ‘somewhat hairy’ to ‘quite worrying’

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: The hills are alive with the sound of Merkel

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 7th June 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Silly shenanigans at 40,000 feet  

New mum wears coat

Woman wears brightly coloured blouse

Newsflash: couple enjoys spending time together

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

“Showcases eye-popping cleavage” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Stop the press: couple dresses up a bit when going out for dinner

Breaking news: woman’s blouse doesn’t quit touch her waistband

Wild speculation

Woman has legs

Minor exchange of heated words somehow newsworthy

“Shows off her slim figure” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday

Very personal tragedy somehow our business

Man photographed doing his job

Woman updates social media

“Puts on leggy display” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Paparazzi takes pictures of couple’s kids. Why is this even legal?

Shock: woman wears men’s trousers

“Highlights supermodel figure,” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Nudes in brief: Casey Batchelor

And finally: man gets coffee!

Reading what can only loosely be described as news, so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 5th June 2015

The news in brief:

Great British public not too keen on actually reading the article

Great British public very keen to spew ignorance all over the Internet after just reading the headline

Bureaucracy gone mad!   

Health and fucking safety

U.S. President probably not being manipulated by shape-shifting reptiles

Shock revelation surprises no-one  

Sea Monster!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Public figure suggests that maybe there are two sides to every story

Fracking will kill us all

Medieval morality goes back to being terrible as soon as the media stops caring

Maths is fucking hard

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Seriously: product placement is not news

Weather looks set to be appropriate for this time of year

Study states the obvious: very rich people have lots of money

Mad suggestion that people aren’t actually born bastards…

Picnic delivery is apparently a thing now

Diana Watch 2015: photographers are taking pictures of her niece now. Still dead

Minor customer service failures blown out of all proportions by sensationalist scaremongers

Don’t worry, Greece will totally get the next round. They’re good for it…

Nudes in brief: everyone is oddly clothed today

And finally: mind-control cyborg zombie machine somehow not as cool as robot that plays child’s game….    

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th June 2015

The news in brief:

We thought it was high time that someone cut through all of the bullshit coming out of both camps and really look at the differences between the European Court of Human Rights and what we know so far about the proposed Charter of British Rights that the Conservative Party hopes to replace it with. Of course this is a lot of work, so naturally we back-heeled it to the Summary Snail.

Being neither British nor a human, he wasn’t particularly interested and basically had this to say:  

The news in brief 3rd June 2015

The news in brief:

FIFA exec owns up to having his fingers in the till

People quite like London

Economy still a bit shit

Internet is crawling with intolerant arseholes

People quite like pudding

Pro tip: mums aren’t the only kind of parent

Journalist doesn’t check their fact

The Queen is totally fucking alive

Country decides that its citizens aren’t entitled to freedom anymore

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: people with less appreciate stuff more

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace   

Litter bug is a gigantic twat

Science is fucking awesome: NASA tests flying saucer  

New supersonic jet will make London to New York a plausible commute  

Man empties his piggy bank

Business is pretty fucking tactless

Judge dishes out some well-deserved justice

Shop may be over-reacting just a tiny bit

Swan kicks dog’s ass

Judge tells it like it is

Nudes in brief: Chloe Sims  

And finally – little boys grows his hair out to make wigs for cancer suffers. Other kids give him a hard time, but this little hero has exactly zero shits to give.  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd June 2015

The news in brief:

Live at the scene: man takes an impromptu swim

Exclusive news: emergency services hate having their time wasted

Love can’t actually build a bridge

Animals are fucking stupid

If rollercoasters weren’t scary enough already…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Politician didn’t get the ‘don’t talk ill of the dead’ memo

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Celebrity sets back equality by about 500 years

Russia situation remains ‘slightly hairy’

More product placement masquerading as news

People act like pricks on the road

Insane dictatorship wants you to come visit its grotesque human-rights atrocities

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Medieval morality destroys another bunch of human lives

Terrible neighbour forgets how to person

US’s new ‘Star Wars weapon’ not actually like anything in Star Wars

Bureaucracy gone mad

Whoever would have imagined that pushy parents create fucked-up kids…

Strange light probably not aliens

You know, it’s still body-shaming even if they’re a mad dictator

Bee!? Pigs!? Whatever will we find in cars next?  

And finally: woman wants you to know that scars and burns don’t make you unattractive – and any naysayers can totally come kiss The news in brief’s ass   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…