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Tuesday 26 April 2016

The news in brief 26th April 2016

People seems to give a shit about films and television, so fresh from our Entertainment Correspondent’s fountain pen, here's the first of, hopefully many, reviews in brief

This week’s reviews in brief:

People in cold places are killed

People in hot places are killed

Boobs

You can't unsee that!

Watching Game of Thrones so you don't have to…

Friday 22 April 2016

The news in brief 22nd April 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Even someone else's death inexplicably about the Kardashians

Bollocks on ITV2

Woman has legs

Woman updates social media

Woman has audacity to go outside without makeup on

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Selfies are NOT news

Woman wears dress

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Breaking news: family eats breakfast

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday

It's only a public display of affection because you've put it on the Internet,  assholes

Man gets juice

Stop the press: woman has nipples

Professional prat sparks outrage

Nudes in brief: Rita Ora

And finally: people lose their shit on the Internet

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Thursday 21 April 2016

The news in brief 21st April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Happy birthday Your Majesty!

2016 strikes again

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Remember kids: every man on Earth is a potential rapist just waiting for the opportunity to slip on a dress and take advantage of supermarket’s new trans-friendly toilets…

Fear-mongering idiots

Man's Lorry is better than yours

Man's wallet too small for all his fifties and his diamond shoes are too tight

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bad news: bacon bad for you again

Outrage as trainees caught training

Government remembers that the North East exists

Dictatorship gets scarier and scarier every day

Even terrorist nutjobs need a summer holiday.  Hopefully.  

Dog was really fucking old

Terrifying ghostly figure probably not a ghost. Probably.

Newspaper highlights importance of feminism

Same newspaper tells women what to wear at work to succeed….

Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for you

Nudes in brief: Natasha Oakley

And finally: you've probably been brushing your teeth all wong…

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Wednesday 20 April 2016

The news in brief 20th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

2016 claims another legend and this time it's one of the comedy greats that inspired us to try and be funny for a living...

Tuesday 19 April 2016

The news in brief 19th April 2016

Today’s news in brief

Listen up fucknuggets, we are the last people to support Baron Von Trump, mostly because we don't want one of the most powerful economies and one of the most formidable militaries in the world in the hands of a wild-eyed madman who’s entire manifesto seems to be ‘Yeah America!’

But, cheap point scoring isn't how the good guys win. Yeah he said 7/11 when he meant to say 9/11, yeah that is kinda funny because to the best of my knowledge a thirty-ounce soda has never hijacked a plane, but it was a slip of the tongue and we went on to talk about the selfless heroism of the construction workers and first-responders at Ground Zero.

He was talking about the Spirit of New York and for better or worse there's no separating the indomitable spirit of New Yorkers from the devastating terror attacks and their aftermath.

So why not leave the sarcastic remarks to the professionals and go back to reporting important stuff?

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Monday 18 April 2016

The news in brief 18th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Human beings continue to murder each over arbitrary lines in the dirt

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Dictatorship continues its assault on the bottom of the ocean

Aquaman unavailable for comment

Economy still pretty fucked

Nation of impoverished farmers continues to spend money on weapons of mass destruction

Earth shrugs its indifferent shoulders and there's nothing we can do to stop it

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Great British public surprises no-one

Conspiracy theorists might have been a little bit right

Nation threatens to spit its dummy out

Drones will kill us all

Breaking news: laws apply to famous people too

First biscuits,  then ice-cream now we're running out of prosecco…

Routine follow-up is not news

Victim-blaming still a thing

Diana Watch 2016: couple sit on bench. Still dead.

Man with gold hat sorts out 0.001% of a problem

Nudes in brief: Chanelle Hayes

Out campaign should have registered the domain name sooner… www.voteleave.co.uk

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Thursday 14 April 2016

The news in brief 14th April 2016

Today's news in brief:

Politician has a problem with masturbation

Idiots still obsessed with one particular back issue of The Lancet

Man literally full of shit

Couple too busy smooching

World pretty goddamned fucked

Economy still pretty shit

Institutional racism still a thing

Hashtag still hasn't generated real-world results

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Breaking news: sausages are not recreational drugs

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Woman tells it like it is

Council shits all over charity event

Science is fucking awesome: paralysed man now better at Guitar Hero than us

Loch Ness discovery massive let-down

Medieval morality treats gay couple like shit

Monumental beer crime

Man somewhat passionate about fence

Nudes in brief: Rhian Sugden

And finally: man really passionate about quiche

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Wednesday 13 April 2016

The news in brief 13th April 2016

Today’s news in brief :

Here's the Summary Squirrel with his round-up of the week's top stories:

Tuesday 12 April 2016

The news in brief 12th April 2016

Today's news in brief:

Empowering message not all that empowering

Medieval mindset continues to treat women like shit

Mad question, has anyone tried telling men not to rape?

Woman lambasted for having unpopular opinion

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Porn site calls out state’s bullshit

Two-headed snake can't take its own shit

Teacher forgets how to person

Airline cranks customer service up to 11

Pissing off all your friends can save you hundreds of pounds

Economy still pretty shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Gigantic asshole doesn't quite understand how evidence works

Bank holiday traffic forecast surprises no-one

New app lets you do what kids have been doing with Sharpies for years

Pro tip: tax returns aren't meant to be interesting

Product placement masquerading as news

Study states the obvious: drugs are bad for you

Stars in their bras: Vicky Pattison

And finally: there are some pretty fucked up fetishes out there...

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Monday 11 April 2016

The news in brief 11th April 2016

Today's news in brief:

Mystery sphere totally left by aliens

Couple want to keep it in the family

Man just saying what we're all thinking

Demonstration does not go to plan

Ice cream shortage predicted in time for summer

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Human beings treat dog like shit

Pro tip assholes: teenage boys are the ones responsible for teenage boys’ sexual urges.

Vigilantes make error in judgement

Skynet totally welcome on UK’s roads

Hilarious dictatorship becoming slightly frightening

Tax returns surprise no-one

Perhaps he’s just really good at what he does…

Man totally just wanted a sandwich

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Civil servants forget how to person

Bar set pretty fucking low for latest body-shaming story

Study states the obvious : cars not actually possessed by evil spirits

Diana Watch 2016: still dead (seriously,  that's the whole story)

Nudes in brief: Riley Keough

And finally: man didn't really know what he'd signed up for...

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Sunday 10 April 2016

The news in brief 10th April 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Newspaper really upset that it can't air other people's dirty laundry

If we were based 70 miles up the road, we could totally talk about the celebrity threesome

If we were based 70 miles up the road we probably still wouldn't give a shit

Woman wears dress

Woman wears earring with dress

Broken family spends time together

Broken family probably doesn't need paparazzi camping outside their house taking pictures of their child…

Pro tip: taking photos of minors and putting them online is pretty fucking weird

Cleavage still isn't news

Wild speculation masquerading as news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Model helps to narrow media's definition of beauty a little bit more

Woman wears bikini

Woman updates social media

Actress has the audacity to go outside without makeup

Stop the press: woman pops out to get coffee

Man goes outside

Breaking news: women has arse

Nudes in brief: Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace

And finally: reality TV show totally fixed

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Thursday 7 April 2016

The news in brief 7th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

9 year old girl out-sasses The news in brief

Old git politely informed to go suck it

New bride’s pedo surprise

Bakesale backlash sadly proves bakesale’s point

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper needs new proofreader

Great news: full fat milk is good for you (this week)

Newspaper wheels out optical illusion from, like, 1448 maybe?!

Internet scraping the bottom of the inbox for news

Crude sketch probably not a werewolf

Religion's body count continues to mount

Product placement masquerading as news

Asshole gets what he deserves

Lawyer not very good at whole lawyering thing…

Economy still pretty fucked

Newspaper keen to share other people's business

Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Politician surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Imogen Thomas

And finally: we know this might not be the right time to ask, but if you have to obscure their faces, what's the point of the courtroom sketch in the first place?

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Wednesday 6 April 2016

The news in brief 6th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Internet awash with Father Ted references

‘Money was just resting in that account,’ insists PM

‘That would be an ecumenical matter,’ says Icelandic PM

Racist assholes called out on Twitter

Pro tip assholes: it shouldn't have to be on Twitter before you pay attention

Turns out you can die from a broken heart

Medieval morality strikes again

Newspaper not at all bias about Junior Doctors’ strike

Brutal dictatorship surprises no-one

Austerity continues to fuck people who need supporting most

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper wheels out its latest extinction horror story

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Indistinct blur probably not the Loch Ness Monster

That is one spicy burger!

Giant fucking crocodile!

You know it probably wasn't the person who painted the lines who gave the man the ticket…

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Stars in their bras: Ariel Winters

And finally: Nazi just wants to be loved

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Tuesday 5 April 2016

The news in brief 5th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

So in hindsight it might have been a bad idea to send the Summary Squirrel out to investigate this whole Panama thing...

Monday 4 April 2016

The news in brief 4th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

World leader has been very naughty (allegedly)

Burglar rubbish at hiding

Newspaper adds more drama to morbid fanfiction

Cinema snacks are fucking expensive

Dirty bastard gets what he deserves

Swan doesn't give a shit

Fat people are supposed to be harder to kidnap

Racist prick is both racist and a prick

‘Safe spaces,’ getting a teeny bit out of hand

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Chimps probably don't have organised religion

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Skynet having a bash at journalism now

Weed will save us all

Passenger bites off more than he can chew

Hate wizard continues inexplicable march towards victory

Study states the obvious: magicians are good at magic tricks

Diana Watch 2016: face appears on a tee-shirt. Still dead.

Stars in their bras: Bella Hadid

And finally: article suggest Rick Astley stopped being cool at some point…?!

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Sunday 3 April 2016

The news in brief 3rd April 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

TV channel finds whole sub-basement level below the bottom of the barrel

Woman shows up someplace

Uninformed opinions reproduced as credible arguments

Woman does job

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Rich megastar used to getting own way

Couple’s relationship problems somehow our business

Couple goes out together

Self-obsessed media darling finds new way to self-promote

Cleavage is not news

Man caught taking nap

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper has the good grace to pixilate the child for once

Woman has legs

Woman dresses for the weather

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman goes for walk

Woman updates social media

Wild speculation!  

Stars in their bras: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman has an itt bitty tattoo

Reading the news so you don't have to…

Friday 1 April 2016

The news in brief 1st April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Sugar tax extended to include placebos and Lush body butters

Carrier bag charge increased to 6p per bag

2016 promises to not kill any more childhood heroes

Sadsack from the Raggy Dolls dies age 82

Chancellor’s new budget advocates burning old budget and denying all knowledge

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch apologises to overweight, redhead immigrants with place names for names

David Cameron quits politics to open puppy farm

CIA apologises for Donald Trump ‘experiment'

Quinoa no longer fashionable.  Poor people can suddenly afford highly nutritious grain.

Starbucks unveils 100 ounce frappuccino

New government guidelines suggest 5 portions of cheesecake a day

Study states the obvious: don't eat shit

Schools forced to start teaching ‘workplace obedience.’

Man's inhumanity to man takes a much-needed day off

New study suggests that poverty linked to not having money

1% occupy the 0.01% calling for wealth to be redistributed

Google’s Deep Thought begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, April 1st. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

Assholes try to enforce ‘pranks stop at noon’ house-rule.

Nudes in brief: Aquaman

And finally: making up kinda-relevant fake news is so much harder than super-condensing actual news...

Reading the news so you don’t have to...