The news in brief:
The news in brief isn’t
just an ironic roundhouse kick in the face to mainstream media; it’s also a
platform for making the world a better place. So today, we are proud to reveal
our six step plan to providing mankind with clean, renewable, sustainable
energy:
Step 1: Round up a whole bunch of people who comment
frequently on Internet news articles
Step 2: Kill them
Step 3: Cover them in magnets
Step 4: Bury them in coffins wrapped in copper wire
Step 5: Publish an article about gay marriage / accepting
transgender / religious tolerance. A story about a mixed-race, gay marriage
where one is transgendered and the other is Muslim would be ideal. Bonus points
if one of them is overweight or on benefits.
Step 6: When the commentators start spinning in their
graves: Science!
In other news:
Pyramid probably not built by aliens
Study states the obvious: people have opinions about shit
they don’t understand
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Human beings are basically awful people
Pro tip: LGBT people are people too. It’s the second fucking
word. Reading’s
not that hard is it?
Attention drones: prepare to work until you die
News remembers women’s world cup exists
People generally disapprove of illegal invasions
Skinny jeans will kill us all
Greece
is the way we are feeling
I guess some people really like nuts…
“[The Simpsons] have been gracing our screens for over 15
years…” Headline article is ten years out of date
Nudes in brief: Lena Dunham
(but only her bottom half)
And finally: grandfather invent product that’s been around
for quite a while now…
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
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