The news in brief 28th February 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Feck.

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 26th and 27th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

‘Work until you die’ suggests man with comfortable job

Economic woes look set to deepen

Media's narrow definition of beauty not geographically consistent

Kids try to bamboozle the pope

Eurovision inexplicably still a thing

Students not so good at the whole irony thing

Pro tip: silencing any voice that disagrees with you is the exact opposite of liberal

Medieval morality continues to treat women like shit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper’s outpourings of sympathy apparently have geopolitical boundaries

Absolute bastard forgets how to human being

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Famous woman enjoys a bit of Internet porn... OH MY GOD WHO CARES?!

Blurry lights probably not aliens (except they totally could be)

Fraudulent dumbfuckery not that nice a tribute

Fizzy pop will kill us all

Runaway unicorn!

BBC in a whole mess of trouble

Mushrooms will save us all!

Stars in their bras: Holly Hagan

And finally: ‘ceasefire’ surprises no-one

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The news in brief 25th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Everybody in the UK suddenly experts on traffic management and animal control

Police threaten to use force on desperate homeless people who have lost everything

Schoolyard bully picks on the poor kid's uniform

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper victim of its own success

E-cigarettes will kill us all

Exercise on the way to work you lazy bastards

Frankenspunk to the rescue!

Queen's missing pigeon shows up

Man has mildly clever idea

Trains are shit

NHS still getting fucked

Economy massively screwed

Pro tip: let strangers stay in your house

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucratic nightmare treats child like shit

Diana Watch 2016: even Trump’s at it. Still dead though.

Study states the obvious: wasteful packaging is wasteful

Nudes in brief: Chloe Ferry

And finally: little boy has a Messi adventure

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The news in brief 24th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Once again we scrape the bottom of the journalistic barrel and let the Summary Squirrel loose on the week's top stories:

The news in brief 23rd February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Attack of the zombie fish

Ceasefire looks hopeful

Prison has gone to shit

Drug drones are totally a thing

Brutal justice system admits it might have been a teeny bit heavy handed

Old woman has zero fucks to give

Space music is some freaky-assed shit

LEGO doesn't discriminate (and neither should you)

Small minority of out-of-touch plutocrats continue to tell you what to think

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Mobile phones will kill us all

Panic!!!

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Come on Sweden, there's permissive and then there's *shudder*

Pro tip: refugees are not martians

Great news: chocolate helps you think more good (but don't eat the plastic)

Teaching comparative religion: good. Misleading headlines: bad

Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for you

Stars in their bras: Tamara Eccleston

And finally: cat is pretty fucking photogenic

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The news in brief 22nd February 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief :

Breaking news: woman trusts husband

Woman updates social media

Baby pictures are somehow news

Cleavage is not news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman does job

Woman wears dress

Newspaper still obsessed with minor

Wild speculation about teenage romance

It's still fucking weird to take photos of other people's kids and put them on the Internet

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears bikini

Man wears hat

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears jacket

Stop the press: woman has legs

Nipples still aren't news

Nudes in brief: Ronnie Woods’ unnamed bikini-clad fan

So... it's okay to photograph an anonymous woman’s arse and put that on the Internet?!

And finally: attention-seeking hyper-bitch shows her human side

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The news in brief 21st February 2016

Today's news in brief:

Passionate about politics? So are we. Care about the future of the United Kingdom? So do we. Bothered about impartiality in your journalism? Us too. So here’s our completely impartial guide to the upcoming referendum:

Reasons to stay in the European Union:

If you didn’t know any better, it could be pronounced European Onion

We can go back to our traditional eight day week, and drive on the right hand side of the road again

France

We won’t have to find a new Currywurst dealer

We won’t have to come up with a new name for the Eurostar when it goes in the other direction

Unrestricted access to Berlin’s marmalade fountains

It’ll keep the undead spirit of zombie Napoleon down for another thousand years

We’d have to hold another referendum afterwards to see if we should go back to a flat-earth belief system

We’d have to start hiring privateers again  

Reasons to leave the European Union:  

We can stop pretending that pancakes are called ‘crepes’

We can abandon reason and logic and return to ass-backwards imperial measurements  

France  

Snickers, Cif and Star Burst can change back to Marathon, Jif and Opal Fruits

We can totally start hiring privateers again

Without Berlin’s marmalade fountains, Wale’s jam mines will reopen

Winston Churchill will return from Avalon and lead us to a new golden age

Knobbly pint glasses

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The news in brief 19th February 2016

We wrote this earlier in the day,  before the news about Harper Lee broke. If 2016 could stop claiming all the coolest people, that'd be swell

Today’s news in brief:

Drunken monkey rampage

Zuka virus makes condoms okay. But not aids, overpopulation, drought, famine....

Government continues to squeeze the frail, sick and disabled

Teenager unable to say when limbs expected to grow back

Company begrudgingly lets you do what you want with your own things

Smackdown: Internet vesus the FBI

Bigoted twat continues to offend the world

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

And not one of you fuckers thought about putting the dolphin back in the water?

Breaking news: consenting adults sometimes enjoy sex

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Ferengi rule of acquisition number 34 sadly applicable to Earth

Pro tip: get your gas appliances checked regularly

Archaeologists have a wheelie good time

Bureaucracy: 1, Human decency: 0

Reality TV sinks to a new low

Bucket of frightened snakes unavailable for comment

Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for you

Stars in their bras: Gigi Hadid

And finally: ketchup was already gluten free

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The news in brief 17th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Mum doesn't understand how the Internet works

Pope loses his shit

Do we really need a rule telling us to not do drugs at the school gates? Shouldn't that be kinda obvious.

Apparently not

Thankfully decent people still outnumber bigoted fucks

France sticks two fingers up to terrorists

Mad suggestion that women are in fact people

We wonder what is the going rate for a baggie of spunk and a syringe?

Mega-famous superstar not mega-famous enough

Wintery weather forecast at least until spring

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Doctor has been very naughty

Indigestion medicine will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy gets shitter the old you get

Pot calls kettle black

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch strikes again

Study states the obvious: caramel latte has sugar in it

Nudes in brief: Jodie Marsh

And finally: rest in peace Commandant Lassard

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The news in brief 16th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Athlete is a gigantic asshole

Rapper has apparently never heard of Kickstarter

Wild speculation presented as fact

Perhaps the lady doth protest too much

Politician may have been fudging the numbers

Assholes reporting tragedy are the same assholes saying we can't do anything about it...

Sportswear demolishes homophobic fuckwedges

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Superstitious nutjobs forget how to person

Model doesn't give a fuck about society's narrow definition of beauty

Skynet will kill us all

Economy officially fucked

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Snows in North East: nobody bats an eyelid

Threat of possible snow in London: stop the presses!

Pro tip: don't fuck about with lasers

Study states the obvious: hugs are nice

Study states the less-than-obvious: choirs are good for you

Nudes in brief: Chrissy Teigan

And finally: little boy show us that not all human beings are irredeemable tossers

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The news in brief 15th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

We love Stephen Fry...

The news in brief 14th February 2016

The news in brief BAFTA awards special:

Dirty filth wizard continues to delight nation

Valentines puns a-go-go

Woman wears green dress

Matt Damon!

Industrial Light and Magic surprises no-one

Woman wears black dress

DiCaprio still doesn't have an Oscar

Woman wears red dress

People fucking love Star Wars

Newspaper has opinions about women's dresses

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Knob gags!

Best supporting actor - it's a Bing thing

Breaking news: books and films are different things

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Cleavage is still not news

Man looks good in a suit

Host exhausts every superlative known to man

Nudes in brief: everyone pretty much kept their clothes on

And finally: Maggie Smith

Watching the BAFTAs so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 13th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Pro tip: it's not the police's job to parent

Scaremongering bullshit still isn't news

Looks like they might have been right about that whole Doomsday Clock thing...

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy still pretty shit

People really not happy with politician

Study states the obvious: shelves seem higher to short people

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Churchgoers angry about magic bones

Get well message probably sincere

You should be careful what you post online

Slippery slope fallacy is not news

Attack of the NIMBYs

Mother nature reminds us all who's in fucking charge

#firstworldproblems

Looks like we're going to need a bigger beach

Nurse forgets how to person

Bureaucracy: 1, Human decency: 0

Simple pill could save us all

Nudes in brief: Mel B

And finally: cats aren't all evil after all

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The news in brief 11th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Scientists shit themselves with excitement

Not to cause a panic, but people are stockpiling gold

Economists brace for a shit storm

Newspaper determined to start war with Russia

Man is really very sorry, honest

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Naked man tries to fight cars…

Chicken is totally romantic

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man makes a fuckload of money

Scientists working on bond-villain megaweapon

Bureaucrats forget how to person

Mad suggestion that crimes should be investigated properly

Britain to stop using dark sorcery when making new laws

He's not the Prime Minister,  he's a very naughty boy

Man goes ahead with plan to fuck us all

Pro tip: doctors already work pretty damned hard

Nudes in brief: Blac Chyna

And finally: baby turtle is fucking adorable

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The news in brief 10th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

I don't think he realises it's a hypocritical economic model and not terrorist superweapon. Anyway, here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 9th February 2016

We drafted this last night, but we literally just read about the train crash in Germany. Our thoughts are with those injured and with the families of those who lost their lives. Bad, bad times.

Today’s news in brief:

We follow a lot of outlets to put together this blog. Specifically: The Daily Mail, The Telegraph, The Sun, Metro, Yahoo News, The Independent,  The Huffington Post,  Buzzfeed, and BBC news.  We check in with a whole host of other newspapers and blogs from time to time, depending on who or what's got Twitter's collective knickers in a twist.

Yesterday’s big story was Super Bowl 50 and across all of these news outlets we've learned:

Which adverts cost the most

What new film trailers have ‘dropped'

Which adverts pissed people off

Which adverts have gone viral

What cars had adverts

Which musicians performed at the halftime show

Reactions to the halftime show

Political ramifications of the reactions to the halftime show

People's reaction to what the artists were wearing

Who sang the national anthem

People's reactions to who sung the national anthem

People's unkind comments about who sung the national anthem

What we haven't learned is which teams were playing and what the score was…

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The news in brief 8th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

People played some football

Technology giant disappears up its own anus

Spare us this mockery of justice

Man's life destroyed for no good reason

Filmmakers a teeny bit insensitive

Flashmob fails to smurf smurf record

Twins are not proof of dominate machine empire

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Rogue Nation doesn't give a shit about sanctions

Incredible Hulk has opinions about fracking

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Government clamps down on tax fraud… unless you're a big business with an army of lawyers

Eagles help take on Skynet

Parking on a lake seemed like such a good idea at the time

People pissed that the laws apply to them

Stop the press: two separate shops have completely different pricing structures

Big business finds new ways to scalp the poor

Study states the obvious: smoking, drinking and junk food are bad for you

Stars in their bras: Myleene Klass

And finally: woman is pretty fucking stingy

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The news in brief 7th February 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief :

Paparazzi intrudes on social occasion

Wild speculation

Child wears clothes

Newspaper's obsession with minor continues apace

Maybe armatures shouldn't be doing Olympic sports…

Woman goes outside

Woman updates social media

Breaking news: child looks a bit like her mother

Woman wears coat in the rain

Woman owns boots

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Actress has had enough of your shit

Singer tells the world to fuck off and mind its own business

Stop the press: people look a bit different 9 years later

Woman wears bikini

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Diana Watch 2016: newspaper still finding ways to make money from her memory

Nudes in brief: Khloe Kardashian

And finally: woman dresses for the weather

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The news in brief 4th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Breaking news: man has entirely unremarkable sexual appetite

Website to open 300 ironic stores

Assholes defeated at their own game

Deodorant will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Zoo completes hilarious safety drill - but should Zebra roles be given to non-zebras?!

Counterintuitive idea inexplicably successful

Religious leaders would rather babies be born with crippling birth defects than let dudes spunk in a latex tube

Deities unavailable for comment

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

House prices still pretty fucking mental

Average schmuck will live with mum and dad until they're 135

Pro tip fucknuggets: sexual harassment is never okay,  regardless of what junk you're packing

Britain not expected to survive devastating biscuit shortage

Industrious kids refuse to let limitations stand in their way

Turns out it was all social media’s fault

Politician spectacular bad loser

Study states the obvious: commuting sucks donkey balls

Nudes in brief: Dylan Penn

And finally: theatre makes the world a marginally better place

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The news in brief 3rd February 2016

Today’s news in brief :

Turns out the little gobshite was just in the salad crisper the whole time. Anyway, here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the day's news:

The news in brief 2nd February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Celebrity bum play is NOT news

But did anyone ask the horses permission?!

Economy still pretty ropey

Great news: skiving is good for you

Internet full of lies

Mass transit system told to buck its fucking ideas up

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Racoon just wanted to get home…

‘Pro-rape group’ inexplicably not hate speech

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Baby’s miracle escape

Shop decides to stop robbing off women

Breaking news: groundhog behaviour not actually linked to weather patterns   

Jurassic cock

Bastards forget how to person

Don’t be alarmed, but somebody broke the Internet

China suffers commuter nightmare

Newspaper condones theft…

Vampire attacks probably not at all supernatural

Love at first byte

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian

And finally: snowboarding baby totally nails it

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 1st February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Refugees fail to conform to media's narrow definition of ‘in need’

Cloned pets are totally a thing now

Cybervillain has low expectations

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

World teeters on the brink of economic collapse (maybe)

Pilots have nerves of goddamned steel

Terrorists surprise no-one

Mad suggestion that human rights apply to everyone

Not treating people like shit linked to low crime rate

Study states the obvious: cats are terrible people

House haunted by satanic goat…

Doctors are fucking miracle workers

German politician uncomfortably Hitler-y

Islamophobic bullshit

Newspaper continues its love-affair with discount retailer

Product placement is NOT news

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

People act like dicks on the Internet

Stars in their bras: Myleene Klass

And finally: footprints probably not the abominable snowman’s

Reading the news so you don’t have to…