The news in brief 30th September 2013

The news in brief:

Government doesn't think about the logistics

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Environmentalist states the obvious

US senate doesn't like healthcare

Newspaper claims we're all outraged; no-one asked me

Hilarious/unfortunately placed poster

Diana Watch, day 22: 'still dead'

36 year-old is apparently still a child

Family values dogs over roof

Actor stars in film

Man promises to do his job properly

Older guy looks quite young 

Moon stolen

Couple have sex in a really fucking stupid place

Speed limit to change to what we're all doing anyway

Avoiding incest? There's an app for that!

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Breaking news

Breaking news: outrage at hilariously placed poster

The news in brief 29th September 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman does yoga

Celebrity eats meal

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi invade family day out

Couple does activity together

Actress takes day off

Woman has figure

Man does job

Relationship breakdown is apparently our business

Man plays football

Mother and daughter wear similar jeans

Woman has legs

Singer glorifies drug use

Dance contestant practices dancing

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The news in brief 28th September 2013

The news in brief we-expect-better-than-this special:

Globally renowned multi-million pound newspaper doesn't spell check headlines on its own homepage

Nitpicking the news so you don't have to... 

The news in brief 27th September 2013

The news in brief:


Suspected murderers in not guilty shocker

Baby to be christened

Global Warming: science pretty sure humans are to blame

Religions bodycount continues to mount

Old lady enjoyed lunch

Slow news day: keyboard short cuts

New bank!

Report states the obvious

Pond eats another car

Supermarket recalls another hilarious/offensive product

Model punches protester

Newspaper wants us to hate benefits claimants

Diana watch, day 19: no Diana stories anywhere (but likely still dead)

Pregnant woman goes outside

Paparazzi invades privacy

Celebrity eats hamburger

Jury hears both sides of the story and makes decision

Newspaper headline only tells half the story

Nobody cares about Badgers or Fracking



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The news in brief 26th September 2013

The news in brief:

Castle is quite nice

Nuclear weapons are Very Bad Things

Halloween costume causes upset

Bill Gates apologises for 3-fingered salute

Newspaper sensationalises tragedy

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

News doesn't care about Syria any more

Or Fracking

Or Badgers

BBC viewers up in arms about insignificant trivialities

Nazis still evil

Commuter acts like prick on public transport

Supermassive blackhole might do something one day

Lightsabres make long overdue move from fiction to fact

People still smoke

Man grows new nose on forehead

Catwalk models wears outrageous clothes

Woman wears denim

Diana Watch, day 18: 'still dead'

Hero dog

Another banking bungle

Girl meets boy

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The news in brief 25th September 2013

The news in brief:

Newspapers exploit grief

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Detectives are detecting, nothing to report

Plea bargain girls asked to prove it

Baby pandas

Diana Watch, day 17: 'still dead'

Baboons like boobs

Radio 2 listeners have no sense of humour

Woman quits job

Fish isn't good for your brain

HORSES ARE EVIL!

Seizing land might be a bit Stalin-y 

US Senator ace at multitasking

Woman wears dress

Strike uneventful

Politician angry at policies he put put in place

Industry specialist suggest they know about their industry

Colleagues go out for dinner

Greenpeace clearly not pirates

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The news in brief 24th September 2013

The news in brief:

British woman may or may not have been involved in attack

British woman may or may not have been killed in attack

Labour promises economic ruin for all

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Media forgets about Syria

Britain up in arms about badgers

Channel Four carries out it's remit

Mostly harmless spiders on the warpath

iOS 7 update doesn't solve user stupidity

Senior Labour figures state the obvious

Man may or may not be guilty

Diana Watch, day 16: 'still dead'

Old man dies of old age

Woman wears hat

Britain forgets about fracking

Illegally boarding another vessel at sea 'declared piracy'

Man wears tee shirt and jeans

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The news in brief 23rd September 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

HS2 will save us all

Woman wears skirt

Scapegoat sacrificed

Study proves what we already know

HS2 will kill us all

Free child care not free

Man goes shirtless

Media glamorises Supervillain

24 year olds 'still children'
 
100-year-old drivers

Giant mouse!

Thoroughly decent bloke

Woman has figure

Old person gets pacemaker

Sinister clown still at large

Veils hide faces

Couples to have sex

Man clicks favourite button by mistake

Disabled people have to wait their turn

X Factor contestants cry

Diana Watch, day 15: 'still dead.'

Big business unveils product

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The news in brief 22nd September 2013

The news in brief newspaper review special:

Whatever you read on the Internet or saw on the television yesterday. That.

Wondering why people still read newspapers so you don't have to...

The news in brief 21st September 2013

The news in brief Woman's Trash Mag special:

Woman too fat for plane

Old lady doesn't look that old

Woman's biological clock is ticking

Problem child falls for troubled man

Woman forgives monster

Fish death!

Husband's gotten fat

More imaginative uses for yoghurt pots

Hereditary disease is hereditary

Murdering psychopath executed

Hamster escapes

Child born on toilet

News pundit is reasonably sure most of this is made up

Fashions change

Bingo player wins prize

Man showers

Man rows boat

Newlyweds cut cake

Cat on a skateboard

Advertisement: pasta is good for you

Libra - Get on with it!

Scorpio - Trust yourself!

Sagittarius - Stop flirting!

Capricorn - Kiss and make up!

Aquarius - Get on with it!

Pisces - Get on with it!

Aries - Get on with it!

Taurus - Cheer up!

Gemini - Get on with it!

Cancer - Start Flirting!

Leo - Get on with it!

Virgo - Get on with it!

Wasting 68p on this shit so you don't have too....

The news in brief 20th September 2013

The news in brief:

UKIP MEP says something sexist

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Phone company flops

iOS 7 is Best Thing Ever!

Airline to try customer service

Won't somebody think of the children! 

iOS 7 is Worst Thing Ever!

Humans demonstrate humanity

Diana Watch, Day 13: 'still dead'

Eight-year-olds unsupervised with webcams

Vigilante gets result

Clown still at large

Everyone still playing GTA: V

Man puts feet up

Gingers not 'natural'

Man rides bus

Hilarious mother is admittedly a bit criminal 

SHARK vs CROCODILE!!!!!!

Grown ups riot when shops runs out of new toys

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The news in brief 19th September 2013

The news in brief:

Phone owners get excited over new operating system

30 hour download still not finished

An error occurred downloading iOS 7.0

Vigilantes are a Bad Thing

Bad hospitals are bad

Bad pensions are bad

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Diana Watch, day 12: 'still dead'

Musician gets music job

Celebrity baker buys cake!

Woman wears shoes

Writer sends too-young child to school for some 'me time.'

Opinion divided: 'should we see doctors and nurses faces?'

Tory councillor tells beloved celebrity to go and die

85 year old suggests it might be time to retire

Talk like a pirate day!

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The news in brief 18th September 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman may or may not be pregnant

Man gets married

Couple goes to a funeral

New family goes outside

Bisexual woman fancied hot chicks

Man loses weight

Unrealistic shit happens in soap

Woman wears jeans

Woman wears coat

Perfectly attractive woman doesn't meet unrealistic expectations

Separated couple not wearing rings

Couple buys house

Provocative dresser dresses provocatively

Woman doesn't wear make-up

Couple drink beverages

Woman dresses for the weather

Man doesn't wear shirt

Dancer has muscles

Mother of two goes out

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The news in brief 17th September 2013

The news in brief:

Outrage as reduced sticker mis-labelled

Judge suggest letting jury see defendant's face might be a Good Idea

Diana Watch, day 11: still dead

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Nation mourns, but guns still on sale in Walmart

Nation excited for murder, theft, pimping and drug running

£40 game selling for £100 on second hand market...

Free school dinners for all!

Study states the obvious

Weather turning a bit autumnal

Owls make shit page boys

Celebrity wears dress

Newspaper repeats long disproven myth

Christmas stuff starts appearing in shops

World's smartest man talks sense

Fireman to strike, but will still attend emergencies

Fracking is still a thing

Opinion split as shop keeper refuses to serve fascist

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The news in brief 16th September 2013

The news in brief:

Trains delayed by 'wrong kind of sun'

Salvage operation 'going to plan'

UN happy now that people are only being murdered with metal

More stories of 'Good Guys' doing 'Bad Guy' things

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Economy needs some TLC

Sausages give you hepatitis

Controversial clothing is controversial

Pastafarian allowed colander on head in driving licence photo

Mum of 17 likes having babies

Stealing is a crime

Popular children's cough syrup linked to asthma

Early literacy leads to alcoholism (yeah, you read that right!)

Great granddad meets new baby

We're gonna have some weather

Row over family wedding is apparently news

Celebrity goes shopping

Nigerian scientist 'proves' gay marriage is wrong with magnets

Clown terrorises Northampton 

Fashion designer states the obvious

Professional git to run for parliament

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The news in brief 15th September 2013

The news in brief Great North Run special:

Professional athletes 'win' fun-run

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The news in brief 14th September 2013

The news in brief:
Outrage as broadcaster not psychic

Newspaper neglects to check it's facts

British Public forgets that whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing

Diana Watch, Day 8:  still dead

More pictures of the Good Guys doing Bad Guy things

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

World's major powers agree it's okay so long as people keep killing each other with metal

Government initiative misses the point

Newspaper doesn't know difference between tax and levy

Man to voice bear

Man has nothing better to do

Theme park is taking the Mickey

Solicitor confirms what we've suspected all along

Student union suggests all men are rapists

Celebrity wears bikini

Christian lobbyists still against people in love getting married

Giant pumpkin!

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The news in brief 13th September 2013

The news in brief too-much-information special:

Peer suggests taking laxatives and sleeping pills at the same time is Bad Idea

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The news in brief 12th September 2013

The news in brief:

Short-sighted man wears glasses in public

MP presents rubbish argument

Big business wants to make money

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Video-links apparently not face-to-face enough

Man to get job

NUFC is a cheap date

Non-lethal weapons illegal. Lethal weapons not illegal at bizarre arms bazaar

Emergency first responder sacked for speeding   

160 year old man 'remembers' stuff no-one else can verify

Sexist bishops are sexist

Diana watch, day 6: 'still dead'

Crooks fleece well-meaning gap year students

Apparently UK social housing violates human rights, but 1.2 million living in shanty towns doesn't...

Celebrity looses weight

Woman wears dress

Rubbish flirting on Twitter

Celebrity harlot in news for wearing clothes

Football!

New phone is minor changes to old phone

Baby bump cocaine lump

Tightrope walking dog

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The news in brief 11th September 2013

The news in brief no-shit-Sherlock special:

Life on Mars might be a bit shit

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The news in brief 10th September 2013

The news in brief:

Study is a load of balls

US begrudgingly agrees peaceful resolution might be nice

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Brit invents radical new bike

Teenage Kung-Fu Exorcist Catholics!

Diana Watch, day 3: 'still dead'

Babyfood study states the obvious

Fat cat pay-off scandal

Everyone has forgotten about Fracking

Huge families cause of overpopulation, surprising no-one

Police officers do their job

Despite media's best efforts, public still generally sympathetic to benefits claimants

People who can't afford more kids should probably think about contraception

200,000 weirdos volunteer to starve to death in the freezing cold millions of miles from home. On TV.

Newsnight calls guest 'boring'

Man still has beard

Newspaper suggests new Australian prime minister is a bit sexist

Celebrity pops out to get coffee

TV pundit oversimplifies complicated issues

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The news in brief 9th September 2013

The news in brief:

Novelty collectable company makes collectable novelty. Daily Mail outraged

Musician gets a bit hurt playing football

Screaming girls threaten death over slightly hurt musician

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Russia still suggesting peaceful resolution might be nice

Economy kinda recovering maybe

Princess Diana 'still dead'

The US has never any issues with the French. Ever

Twerking is unattractive

Celebrity mother narrowly misses schoolbus

Man has baby

Brits don't cuddle enough

Actress goes grocery shopping

Newspaper disapproves of consenting adults consenting

Satirical news pundit has to look up word 'pillion'

Pop harlot finds a way to be even more naked

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The news in brief 8th September 2013

The news in brief:

Nurses be busy, yo

Tokyo celebrates massive financial burden

Frivolous lawsuit

Old couple go out

Doctors should probably talk good England

Britain suggests you can help people without bombing them

Scientists use twitter to figure out UK's mood

Stout advert yanks nation's heartstrings *sob*

Man gives daughter away at wedding

Princess Diana still dead

Armed guards don't recognise member of royal family

Scaremongering newspaper spreads unsubstantiated fear

Pope suggests bombing people is a Bad Idea

Man attends family event

News website runs advert for legal tax avoidance firm. Irony missed

Juice is as bad for you as aids (or something like that)

Celebrity harlot still making headlines

Hillsborough jokes are NOT funny.  But neither is censorship

Pope calls gay priest to tell him to chill out and be himself

Fish might have died

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The news in brief 7th September 2013

The news in brief Diana special:

Still dead

Reading the new so you don't have to...

The news in brief 6th September 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Tunnel of terror!

Dead princess still making headlines

No frills airline to sell frilly tickets

Actors leave soap opera

Man loves insects

Margarine is bad for you

Old man dies

Celebrity uses umbrella in the rain

Small boobed singer goes braless

Actors join soap opera

Supermarkets want you to buy stuff

Video game character a big slutty

Weather a bit autumnal

Game released for phone

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The news in brief 5th September 2013

The news in brief:

Health and safety: 1 Common sense: 0

Insurance companies gleeful at 130 car pile up

Graduate made to throw shapes at interview

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Woman wears dress

Newspaper highlight similarities to Diana dress

There are no similarities to Diana dress

Russian aid accurately describes UK

Baker makes cake

High street chain finds new way to make public fat

Blind guy probably shouldn't be driving

Overly litigious society sinks to new low

Expensive car is quite nice

Arty film a bit pretentious

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The news in brief 4th September 2013

The news in brief:

Packed lunches make you fat

Crowded schools to tag team pupils

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Sick fuck can dish it out but can't take it

Union doesn't support Labour party

People would rather there be guns and knives and drugs than queue

Sleep is good for you

Woman wears unflattering top

Parents forget about Stranger Danger

Minimum wage isn't a whole lot of money

Think tank suggest slave labour is a Good Thing

Presenter has bad make-up

Paramedics forget to do job

Shouting at teens doesn't help

Millions spent on study proves the fucking obvious

MPs like vagina too

Newspaper demonises benefits claimants

New phone will come in many colours

Priest says something homophobic

TV pundit clearly has nothing better to do

Russia again suggests maybe waiting for the UN

Woman poses naked in women's magazine. Irony missed by all.

Sexy actress to play man eating alien

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The news in brief 2nd and 3rd September 2013

The news in brief:
 
Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Really old sick man still alive

Less old man dies

Another even less old man dies

Footballers swap teams

Newspaper takes advantage of grieving mother to sell papers

Schools might be getting a bit crowded

Teachers take usual 'they get six weeks holiday' flack

Building uses ancient Greek death ray on parked car

Robodolphin

Another celebrity in court for interfering with the kids

Strange noises from the sky

Woman wears short skirt

Ageing man gets a little chubby

Celebrity shows running out of celebrities

Potty training is NOT a teacher's job!

Big business buys another business

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The news in brief 1st September 2013

The news in brief W.T.F. special:

Terrapin rides alligator

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