Today’s news in brief:
Breaking news: man has entirely unremarkable sexual appetite
Website to open 300 ironic stores
Assholes defeated at their own game
Deodorant will kill us all
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Zoo completes hilarious safety drill - but should Zebra roles be given to non-zebras?!
Counterintuitive idea inexplicably successful
Religious leaders would rather babies be born with crippling birth defects than let dudes spunk in a latex tube
Deities unavailable for comment
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
House prices still pretty fucking mental
Average schmuck will live with mum and dad until they're 135
Pro tip fucknuggets: sexual harassment is never okay, regardless of what junk you're packing
Britain not expected to survive devastating biscuit shortage
Industrious kids refuse to let limitations stand in their way
Turns out it was all social media’s fault
Politician spectacular bad loser
Study states the obvious: commuting sucks donkey balls
Nudes in brief: Dylan Penn
And finally: theatre makes the world a marginally better place
Reading the news so you don’t have to…
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