Today's news in brief:
Passionate about politics? So are we. Care about the future of the United Kingdom? So do we. Bothered about impartiality in your journalism? Us too. So here’s our completely impartial guide to the upcoming referendum:
Reasons to stay in the European Union:
If you didn’t know any better, it could be pronounced European Onion
We can go back to our traditional eight day week, and drive on the right hand side of the road again
France
We won’t have to find a new Currywurst dealer
We won’t have to come up with a new name for the Eurostar when it goes in the other direction
Unrestricted access to Berlin’s marmalade fountains
It’ll keep the undead spirit of zombie Napoleon down for another thousand years
We’d have to hold another referendum afterwards to see if we should go back to a flat-earth belief system
We’d have to start hiring privateers again
Reasons to leave the European Union:
We can stop pretending that pancakes are called ‘crepes’
We can abandon reason and logic and return to ass-backwards imperial measurements
France
Snickers, Cif and Star Burst can change back to Marathon, Jif and Opal Fruits
We can totally start hiring privateers again
Without Berlin’s marmalade fountains, Wale’s jam mines will reopen
Winston Churchill will return from Avalon and lead us to a new golden age
Knobbly pint glasses
Reading the news so you don’t have to...
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