The news in brief:
News blogger's laptop still being an unbelievable bastard
Goat sacrifice unsuccessful
World continues merry jig towards Armageddon
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Judgemental cunts didn't actually read the article
Medieval morality destroys another life
Housing market still a bit shit
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Horses all survive Grand National (for a change)
Protesters pretty disappointed
The Internet is a dark and terrifying place
Weather set to get increasingly summery
Turns out God has a pretty wicked sense of humour
Country removes people's rights to be unspeakably selfish twats
Terms and conditions: 1, common sense: 0
Big business surprises no-one
World leaders give peace a chance
Maybe you should have a manifesto before you start asking people to vote for you
Pre-crime fines apparently a thing now
Gigantic bellend caught on camera
Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner
And finally: dogs literally save our asses
Reading the news so you don't have to...
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