The news in brief:
Peer re-enacts 'bitches leave' scene from Robocop
Childhood fear of escalators tragically legitimate
Wills apparently not worth the paper they're written on
Seagulls probably not planning new World War
Exclusive news: person voices opinion without understand article
Logical suggestion met with hysteria
New initiative is a total cop out
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Giant vigilante dishes our carpark justice
Shape-shaming media literally never happy
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Study states the obvious: building Skynet might be a bad idea
Newspaper shoe-horns you-know-who into potential murder investigation
Club bans institutionalised homophobia (and it’s about fucking time too)
Breaking news: technology was shit in the past
Beware of black market Ribena
Economy a bit less shit (but still quite shit)
Study reveals that mosquitoes are basically cunts
Dentistry's inhumanity to lions continues apace
Judge clearly has some shady mates
The news in brief's editor wants to know where all this catcalling is going on
Nudes in brief: Holly Hagan
And finally: France gets a little bit 'Mockingjay Part II'
Reading the news so you don't have to...
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