The news in brief 8th and 9th September 2014

The news in brief:

Sorry for the lack of The news in brief yesterday – it was the Editor’s birthday and I’d been at work all day.

Recently married couple of child baring age expecting baby

813,199 other babies expected in 2014: no-one gives a shit

New iphone promises working battery

Man well enough to go home

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

The news in brief blames the parents

After 72 years of bullshit, couple finally tie the knot

Tech giant releases utterly pointless gadget  

Chocolate teapot proves everybody wrong

Pro tip: ‘Cease’ means ‘stop’ from the Latin cessare meaning ‘to yield.’ ‘Fire’ means ‘Fire’ from the English for fucking shooting each other.

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Corrupt vicar undermines the sanctity of marriage

Little boys dive on sofa

Why is this news: 10-year-old books to get new dust jackets   

Survey suggests YES vote ahead by 1%

Survey suggests NO vote ahead by 1%

The news in brief suggests these surveys don’t really tell us much

Scotland already dividing up Great Britain’s CDs

Steak is good for you this week! (Eat as much as you can before it starts killing us again)

Economy a bit less shit

So you want to keep the Queen as well?! Not sure you quite get how this Independence thing works…

To be fair… chips are pretty important

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

‘Pervert ghost ruins marriage’… say what now?!

And finally: Manscaping is apparently a thing now

Reading the news so you don’t have to…