The news in brief 1st September 2014

The news in brief:

Whilst trying to read the news today, we realised the unpalatable truth that a woman’s thrupenny bits are more important than the Ebola virus, the escalating crisis in Ukraine and the actions of ISIS in Iraq and Syria, but are less important than the Premier League transfer window and which club has spent a third world nation’s debt on which players.  

Now here at The news in brief we think that Hollywood megastar Jennifer Lawrence is hot. Super hot. Mega hot. And we would totally love to see her boobs. But only if (and it's pretty unlikely) she goes to a magazine and a professional photographer and chooses to flash 'em.

Some deviant slimeball hacking her private and personal accounts, stealing candid moments and sharing them with the Internet's seedy underbelly is totally fucking uncool. We will not be looking for them, at them and we will take a very dim view of anyone who shares them.

In the words of 80’s pop sensation and host of TV’s Bullseye, Optimus Prime:

‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings’ and no-one should decide when someone's wobbly bits are fit for public consumption except the wobbly bits’ owner.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…