Today's news in brief:
Politician has a problem with masturbation
Idiots still obsessed with one particular back issue of The Lancet
Man literally full of shit
Couple too busy smooching
World pretty goddamned fucked
Economy still pretty shit
Institutional racism still a thing
Hashtag still hasn't generated real-world results
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Breaking news: sausages are not recreational drugs
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Woman tells it like it is
Council shits all over charity event
Science is fucking awesome: paralysed man now better at Guitar Hero than us
Loch Ness discovery massive let-down
Medieval morality treats gay couple like shit
Monumental beer crime
Man somewhat passionate about fence
Nudes in brief: Rhian Sugden
And finally: man really passionate about quiche
Reading the news so you don't have to…
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