Today’s news in brief:
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the press
Not a creature was stirring, nor Kardashian undressed
The paparazzi were camped by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The Squirrel nestled all snug in its bed,
While nightmares of fracking danced in it head.
The editor in her onesie, and I in my pants,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s rant
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see if it was Sepp Blatter
Away to the window I flew like a witch,
Afraid it might be the attention-seeking hyper-bitch
The moon on the breast of the failed flood defences
Gave the lustre of mid-day to historical offences.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than Cameron cutting the spending
And he whistled, and shouted, about the condom challenge trending
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now Vixen and Prancer,
Before the Daily Mail decides reindeer give you cancer.
To the top of the porch! to the top of the fount!
As religion's bodycount continues to mount!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane race,
Whilst man's inhumanity to man continues apace.
So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of Apple Products, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and thought it glorious,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came and not Oscar Pistorius.
He was dressed all in red, because fur’s a taboo
And he'd upset PETA, Greenpeace and Anonymous too
With shameless product placement he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how cutie!
Though he failed to conform to the media's narrow definition of beauty.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a e-cig he held tight in his teeth,
And the vape it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a round face - there's an obesity crisis!
Does he not know fat people are worse than ISIS?!
He was chubby and jolly, a strange little lump.
And I laughed when I saw him - for it was Donald Trump!
A wink of his eye and without hesitation ,
He started to rant about US immigration
He spoke not a word, as he dished out our portion
And filled all the stockings with guns and pamphlets about anti abortion
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a coalition missile.
But I heard him exclaim, he sounded elated
"Happy Christmas to all, your house price is inflated!’’
Reading the news so you don't have to...
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