The news in brief:
Ladies: beware your shambolic downstairs
Pro tip: vaginas are a self-cleaning organ
Breaking news: onions are a foodstuff
Just so you know – steam cleaners are intended for kitchen
floors, not your cootchie-snorcher
Whatever Philip Schofield is paid – it’s not enough
In other news… penises are pretty heard to break
Politician takes a leaf out of the Nazi playbook
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount
Good news: science has decided that coffee is good for you!
There’s probably not a time-hole at the centre of the Milky
Way
Potential employers don’t actually read you CV
Printing error ruins woman’s day
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace
Doomsday clock is on the move again
UK
infrastructure struggles with winter – despite it happening this time every
year
Scientists have decided that sunshine is now good for you
(do try to keep up)
Hilarious misprint is not actually news
Woman learns that hard way not to be a cunt
Chances are your password is shit
Security guard didn’t get the ‘it’s not 1755 any more,
asshole’ memo
Man inexplicably not dead
Nudes in brief: Dakota Johnson
And finally: UFO photobombs the International Space Station
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
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