The news in brief 1st August 2014

The news in brief:

United Kingdom endures rainiest day of August so far

Couple confuses human being for saleable commodity

Internet shows us that not all human beings are enormous thundercunts     

Giraffes: 0, Piss poor planning: 2

Science is fucking awesome

Humans are terrible people

Pro tip: ‘cease’ means ‘stop’ and ‘fire’ means ‘fire’

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Family plans holiday

Pope suggests we shouldn’t be dicks to each other

Ants probably not trying to communicate

Exclusive: turns out Big Brother is still on

School homophoneophobic

World’s fastest man surprises no-one

Tragic story of anorexia right next to stories of celebrity women half-naked and air brushed…

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian

Study suggests that we shouldn’t be dicks to each other

Nothing helps people with low self-esteem quite like being slammed in the media every fucking day

Russian teens know how to cool off

Man needs to be hunted down and flogged

Political correctness gone mad!!!!

Hermione tells it like it is

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…