The news in brief 8th May 2015

The news in brief election aftermath special:

So David Dimbleby presented the election coverage all night long, where as The news in brief team fell asleep at about 11:30, and whilst we’d had a good night’s kip, he looked fresher-faced than us come the morning. We genuinely believe he only stopped at 7:00am because he was needed back on the streets of Gotham City. Our money’s on The Riddler. It’s always the fucking Riddler.

Things did not go as we expected: there was an increase in voter numbers, and although it was by the smallest of margins, we have a majority government again. Judging from the comments overheard on public transport today, people aren’t especially happy about the outcome:

“It’ll be back to the Thatcher years”

“That’s the end of this country” 

“They’re all thieves – that bitch Thatcher proved that”

“You can kiss the NHS goodbye”

“I’d emigrate if I could afford to”

Ah well, we don’t make the news, we just take the piss out of it. In other news:

Election news overshadows important anniversary

Man quits job  

Man quits job he’s never had

Criminal not very good at his job

Breaking news: sex might be bad for your relationship

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper wheels her out to push another non-story

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Magic chocolate makes you younger

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Space is trying to kill us

Tanks for the memories…

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: Woman has prehensile tongue  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…