The news in brief 9th May 2015

The news in brief:

The Conservative Party have been in power for a little over 24 hours now and even though they have only just started putting a cabinet together, according to social media they have:

Rigged the election

Planned to bring back fox hunting

Planned to read your emails

Planned to ruin the economy

Sacrificed a goat to their dark master

Constructed a Death Star

Shot JR

Killed Fred Weasley

Eaten a whole bunch of babies

Hailed Hydra

Destroyed Pompeii

Cloned Hitler

Created a new, deadlier race of Daleks

Pushed the close door button just as someone tried to get in the lift

Put Baby in the corner

Told a five-year old about Santa Claus

Rubbed a cat’s fur THE WRONG WAY!

Talked through a movie  

Constructed a second, more powerful Death Star

And finally: kicked a puppy

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 8th May 2015

The news in brief election aftermath special:

So David Dimbleby presented the election coverage all night long, where as The news in brief team fell asleep at about 11:30, and whilst we’d had a good night’s kip, he looked fresher-faced than us come the morning. We genuinely believe he only stopped at 7:00am because he was needed back on the streets of Gotham City. Our money’s on The Riddler. It’s always the fucking Riddler.

Things did not go as we expected: there was an increase in voter numbers, and although it was by the smallest of margins, we have a majority government again. Judging from the comments overheard on public transport today, people aren’t especially happy about the outcome:

“It’ll be back to the Thatcher years”

“That’s the end of this country” 

“They’re all thieves – that bitch Thatcher proved that”

“You can kiss the NHS goodbye”

“I’d emigrate if I could afford to”

Ah well, we don’t make the news, we just take the piss out of it. In other news:

Election news overshadows important anniversary

Man quits job  

Man quits job he’s never had

Criminal not very good at his job

Breaking news: sex might be bad for your relationship

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper wheels her out to push another non-story

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Magic chocolate makes you younger

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Space is trying to kill us

Tanks for the memories…

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: Woman has prehensile tongue  

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 7th May 2015

The news in brief election night special:

This is it. Some of the less apathetic members of the Great British Public have dragged their arses to the polling booths (and presuming they didn’t take their own pen) marked an X in a box with a pencil and decided which of the two main parties will get first stab at putting together a coalition government, otherwise we’re going to have to do it all again in July…

We’ve had accusation of bully-boy tactics at the booths   

Conspiracy theories about why we have to use a pencil

Smear campaigns

Old school pictures

Bacon Sandwiches

Stone tablets

Hilarious buses

Threats (or is that promises?) of voluntary exile

But if there’s two things you can count on in this General Election, it’s that the good people of Sunderland can count ballot papers pretty fucking fast and that David Dimbleby is an unstoppable, stone-cold presenting machine. When we’re tucked up in our beds in the wee small hours of the morning, he’ll still be on the BBC, putting down fools with his withering stare.

It may or may not also be true that if David Dimbleby punches you in your dreams you will wake up with bruises.  

So what ever the outcome, we know that were going to spend the next five years surrounded by people who didn’t vote, don’t vote, but are happy to complain about the outcome

See you on the other side

   

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 6th May 2015

With tomorrow being the Election Day, we’re probably going to do something a bit special, so we’re doing tomorrow’s Throwback Thursday today. So let’s forget about ballot boxes and how so-and-so eats their sandwiches for a little while and cast our minds back to the 16th May 2014 - a time when there were still over one thousand NHS nurses per patient and Brian Adams’ Everything I do, I do it for you completed its 22nd consecutive year at number 1: 

The news in brief 16th May 2014:

Medieval morality confuses compassion with fucking great slap in the face

More than loose change down the back of the sofa

Not all humans suck: donation’s show no sign of stopping

Opinions on crockery masquerading as news

Losing 400,000 listeners is apparently good now?!

Sad story has a happy ending

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

It probably cheaper to just treat the chickens nicely…

Shock: the Queen is a human being

Study states the obvious: but only because it was in the news this time last year

Healthy food is healthy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Tiny beads of plastic will kill us all! 

Political party continues its mission to offend everyone of Earth

Common sense: 1, bureaucracy: 0 (maybe)

Nudes in brief: Amy Willerton

Group of adults legally buy drinks – nobody cares

Teacher learns the hard way that ‘black-face’ is NEVER cool

Evil nightmare super-bitch to get what’s coming to her

Meanwhile, another evil nightmare super-bitch doesn’t… 

Attack of the not-killer bees!

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still pretty dead’

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The news in brief 5th May 2015

The news in brief:

More migrants are lost to the sea, but apparently that’s not newsworthy…

The internet is home to many bigoted pricks

Self-fulfilling prophecy surprises no-one

You know, you can be right without being a twat about it

Election fever!

Celebrity rabble-rouser employs some doublethink

Shaming an unwell child is apparently news now

Turns out drink driving isn’t actually illegal

Pro tip: don’t fucking drink and drive

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount 

Economy still pretty shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Mad suggestion, but maybe it’s not politically motivated at all and the kid’s just named after her grandparent…

Breaking news: compulsory form filled out correctly

Maybe the council wouldn’t have to paint really short double-yellow lines if people didn’t park like wankers

Mystery sounds probably not aliens

Study states the obvious: jogging is good for you

Stop the press: clothes retailer sells clothing

Remember: you can’t say p****, but you can say n*****   

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: Ryan Gosling eats his cereal at last…

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The news in brief 3rd May 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Stop the press: woman gives birth

The one-thousand-nine-hundred-and-thirteen other births yesterday totally not news worthy

People enjoy camping in some weird-ass places

Royal baby not actually called ‘Kensington Palace,’ we just read the tweet wrong…

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Paparazzi intrudes on someone’s holiday

Woman updates social media

We’ll bet your fan fiction isn’t worth £75 million

Breaking news: man enjoys sporting event

Woman wears dress

Cleavage is NOT news

Not sure she’s ‘hiding her figure,’ as much as ‘wearing a sweater because it’s raining.’    

Woman has legs

Photographers intrude on family day out

Pro tip: taking pictures of other people’s kids is fucking weird

Pro tip: publishing pictures of other people’s kids is fucking weird

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Probably not ‘showing off her bump’ more like ‘wearing clothes whilst outside’

Photographer uses such a long lens that the picture of model-exercising-in-a-bikini is fucking blurry

(Mad idea, but maybe she didn’t want her picture taken…)  

Another mad idea – if woman quickly takes down a picture from Twitter, she probably doesn’t want it in the newspaper either. Cunts

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: actress dyes her hair

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The news in brief 1st May 2015

The news in brief:

No abate in the great Kate wait.

Woman has too many vaginas

Age identifying software continues to bore the Internet

Election fever continues

Photos suggest crazy dictator needs upgrading to Bond-Villain status

Mad dictatorship surprises no-one

Medieval morality ruins another life

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet populated by judgemental twats

Weather forecast: sunshine and showers with a slight chance of spaceship

Public transport ‘a bit shit’

Anticipating Earth being covered in shit by 2050, the human race starts littering another planet

Pareidolia is NOT news

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Rare good-news story from the Islamic Extremism saga

Rapists, rapists everywhere and not a cell to clink

NASA only goes and tests its motherfucking warp drive

Dust mites will kill us all!

Dirty fucking hypocrisy

Study states the obvious: a healthy diet is good for you

Scientists crack on with the invisibility cloak

Nudes in brief: Jasmin Walia (although we’re not sure how you can be topless under a blazer… )  

And finally:  political parties in will-they won’t-they on-again-off-again relationship

Reading the news so you don’t have to…