The news in brief 26th March 2014

The news in brief:

Article suggests meat comes from animals

Exposé suggests people like sex

Celebrities sure do get married a lot

Diana has to share the dead celebrity spotlight

Whatever happened to public service announcements?

Diametrically opposed politicians disagree

Hero saved lives by shortening war – WITH MATHS!

Freedom of speech means tolerating viewpoints you might disagree with

Best. Wedding cake. Ever.

Man is a bit of a legend. Can the Internet do a whip round, please?

Giant rat: inferior. Giant rat trap: superior

Doctors haven’t heard of these pesky ‘human rights’ things  

Cookies are a sometimes food

Public figure apparently isn’t allowed a day off

Text messages are deadly killers

Look, if it’s in the Oort Cloud, it’s not going to be earth-like, okay?!

Spring weather a bit wintery and a bit summery (no shit)

58 year-old didn’t have ID

Dictator probably barmy

Red top tabloid not so hot with the fact-checking

Nudes in brief: Jodie Marsh

Really big ship!

Foxes: 1, human: 0

Dolphin situation remains ‘pretty hairy’

Elvis watch 2014: ‘still dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to….

The news in brief 21st March 2014

The news in brief:

Shock: Man on IV for three months loses weight

Media disseminates intimate details of critically ill man

Precious life emerges from family tragedy

Russia situation probably not going to destroy the world (phew)

Public has warped expectations of aeroplanes

Wild speculation

Couple’s baby plans are none of our business

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

It turns out the tidal wave of Romanians and Bulgarians (remember that?!) didn’t happen

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Hate mongers turn out to be hypocrites (who knew?!)

Criminal Wombles on the loose

Man has pretty boring hobby

Study states the obvious: sitting on your fat arse is bad for you

New app negates last lingering vestiges of human interaction

Finding a small object in the ocean might take a while

No shit: overstressing children may cause children stress

Religion’s brainwashing of young minds continues apace

Parenting apparently too much like hard work

(Wo)man’s inhumanity to animals continues apace

Woman in her fifties looks like a woman in her fifties

Mammal has body hair

Nudes in brief: Jasmin Walia (who ever that is)

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

Update: news in brief writer still under the weather, but feeling very much better. The editor feels like shit. Luckily the editor doesn’t have to do that much work…

  

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The news in brief 18th March 2014

The news in brief:

Breaking news: United Kingdom surrenders to the grey squirrel.

All hail the grey squirrel!

Woman takes the bus

More wild speculation

Married couple not having any more children just now  

Paying attention when you cross the road is a Good Idea

Lights in the sky probably not aliens

Russian situation remains ‘pretty ropey’

Economy not doing anything interesting

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Socks are not sandwiches

Newsreader is an asshole

President suggests that freedom is the right of all sentient beings

Nudes in brief: Candice Swanepoel

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Sideboob!

Does this mean UK citizens can apply for reparations from the Roman Empire?

Study states the obvious: anxiety affects people differently

Woman uses religion as an excuse to act like a fucking bell-end

People don’t take antidepressants for no reason. But hey, let’s blame the X-Box game…

Local council does a whoopsie

We don’t normally name names, but Noel Edmonds is a fucking legend

Attention-seeking hyperbitch strikes again

Slacktivism rears its ugly head again

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

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The news in brief 17th March 2013

The news in brief:

Newsflash: science applied fictitiously IS science fiction

Get naked and drink coffee!

School probably not responsible for child being soft

Wild speculation!

Looking for 250 foot plane on a whole planet not that straight forward

Space is fucking cool

Mountain a bit treacherous

Woman loves dogs a bit too much

School boy suspended for suggesting ‘education is good for kids’

No fat ladies :(

Another Britain’s Got Talent fix story… sigh

Ending of TV show still totally confusing

Russia situation upgraded to ‘pretty ropey’

Study suggests eating sensibly is a Good Idea

Newspaper rediscovers use of the word ‘allegedly’

People act like cunts on the Internet

Nudes in brief: Amanda Seyfried

Man’s manhood is none of our business

Estate agent should probably tidy up first – WHY IS THIS NEWS?!

Precocious child receives ironic letter

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man eyes up cake

Crazy weirdos do some crazy ass shit

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

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The news in brief 16 March 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Shock: couple goes for walk outside

Man relaxes on holiday

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi catches woman NOT wearing a ring

Woman does not conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper sees correlation where none exists

Horror: a different couple goes for walk outside

Another woman fails to live up to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Paper engages in a bit of cyberbullying

Paparazzi catches women exercising (how exactly do they win?!)

Woman does conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Why exactly does the interviewee’s picture have to be raunchy and half naked?

Singer updates social media

Woman fails to conform to media’s exacting standards

Tits!

Women conforms to media’s exacting standards

No shit: daughter looks at bit like her mother

Woman wears dress

Woman wears dress

Woman wears playsuit

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi catches man parenting in the street!

Singer’s private life is none of our business

Woman’s marriage may be falling apart – but here’s where you can buy her dress

Nudes in brief: Chloe Madeley

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