As retired policemen the world over eye their mantelpieces with
suspicion, it’s time for: 
The news in brief:
Natural disasters are not funny
In all fairness, it was a briefcase full of wires 
Dude scores a free trip to the Whitehouse 
Religion’s bodycount continues to mount 
Skynet has a fucking foul mouth 
It official: world getting more terror-y 
BBC might be a little bit prejudice
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace 
Politician a bit of a sexist prick 
People upset at politician NOT being a hypocrite?! 
Foxes will kill us all! 
An iPhone and a wank?! Sold! 
Controversial cartoon surprises no-one 
Study states the obvious: girls can do science 
Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination 
Internet isn’t have any of your bullshit 
Sorry – winter isn’t coming after all. 
Housing crisis hits new low: 2-man tent in a livingroom for
£500 a month… 
Who on earth thought that a ‘liquid nitrogen cocktail’ was a
good idea?!  
Do any kids actually think they’ll sprout wings, wheels,
half-shells or karate-chop-action one day? 
Surfing seal is cooler than you 
Stars in their bras: Ellie Goulding 
And finally: grieving mother gorilla got us all right in the
feels 
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
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