The news in brief 27th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Nitpicking killjoy misses the point

Woman wears glasses

Stop the press: family has a disagreement whilst shopping

Woman wears leotard

Model conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: woman wears smart clothes to christening

Woman wears beachwear AT THE BEACH!

Woman updates social media

Shocker: parent caught spending time with child

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Judge’s ‘surprise’ return surprises no-one

Woman has legs

Pro tip assholes: she’s not ‘putting on a leggy display,’ she’s just ‘walking somewhere in a skirt.’

We still think it’s pretty fucking weird to buy pictures of other people’s kids and put them on the Internet…

Woman wears gym clothes TO THE GYM

Cleavage is NOT news

Who even cares: woman wears dress more than once!

Stars in their bras: Kate Wright

And finally: pregnant woman wears comfortable shirt.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th September 2015

The news in brief:

Facebook goes down for a little while and the world goes nuts

Timehop goes down for a little while and no-one seems to care

BBC captures irony live on air

Pro tip: shouting obscenities at someone makes you a cunt

Internet full of xenophobic twats

Political mud-fight continues to dominate the news

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Gigantic asteroid fails to hit puny little planet

EULA makes you promise not to fuck the robot

Conspiracy theories!

Senseless killing in the street

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper has opinions about Bond

Turns out the rugby's on

Study states the obvious: Nando's is chicken

Newspaper wants you to be afraid of everything

Murdered woman 'was just resting'

Body-shaming is NOT news

Man pretty determined to get up mountain

Is your car killing the planet?!

Atmospheric phenomenon probably not God

Super Blood Moon probably not the harbinger of the end times

Cannabis farm is pretty fucking huge

Stars in their bras: Casey Batchelor

And finally: Tiny octopus is adorable

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

We know 700-and-more people have died in a really terrible way over the last few days and that’s really important news, but we are a comedy blog first and foremost and there’s nothing funny about that. As always, our thoughts and wishes are for those left behind….

We’re taking a break for the next two weeks for family birthday stuff and dental surgery.  We’re here tomorrow with the usual Sunday celebrity-filler and then we’ll be back Monday 12th October with news summaries, swearing and that weird snail picture.

The news in brief 23rd September 2015

The news in brief 22nd September 2015

The news in brief:

Car manufacturer has been a little bit naughty

Herbie and Bumblebee unavailable for comment

Monkey probably not interested in law suit

Apes love a bit of telly

Politician is a racist prick

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Human race edges ever-nearer to self destruction

Media only has one photo of Eva Carneiro

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: 3 is 50% of 6

Family business doing ‘quite well’

Attack of the ginger extremist

Teenage Mutant Ninja Codfish

Insurers act like total bellends

Study states the obvious: more people are using discount retailers

Maybe it’s because the economy’s still a bit shit

Smartphones more deadly than sharks

Terrorist surprises no-one

Indistinct blur probably not Jesus

Flashing light probably not aliens

Stars in their bras: Kylie Jenner   

And finally: philanthropist lowers cost of life-saving medicine by 5500%... on wait… what?!    

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 21st September 2015

The news in brief:

‘Allegedly’ seems to be the hardest word

Remember kids: smear campaigns are okay when you don’t like the guy

Pro tip: a 20-year-old indiscretion doesn’t affect your ability to do a job today

To be fair, we put dead pigs in our mouths all the time…

We tried to keep things balanced, but it is pretty fucking funny!

Politician too busy doing his job

Man plans to bring back the 70s

Headteacher a bit of a cunt

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Skynet unveils its robobusses

Colliding super-massive blackholes will kill us all

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: drugs are bad

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone

Driver is a heartless prick

Indistinct blur probably NOT a ghost

Medieval morality claims another life

Dictatorship shits all over human rights  

Seaweed will save us all

You can prove anything with statistics

Chocolate spread “pulls a Voldermort”  

Stars in their bras: Caroline Flack    

And finally: Charlie Brooker will never have to pay for a pint again…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 20th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Consultant treats woman like shit

Breaking news: man smokes cigarette

Stately home is fucking expensive

If you need a telephoto lens to see it, it’s not a ‘public’ display of affection

Pro tip: Maggie Smith isn’t actually the Dowager Countess…

Wardrobe malfunction

Couple’s love-life subjected to wild speculation

Product placement is NOT news

Woman wears jumper

“Showing off her svelte frame” or just “stepped outside and got photographed by some asshole with a camera?”

Family pops to the shops

Stop the press: woman has legs

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out   

Woman wears dress

Cleavage!

Woman’s mental health is NOT entertainment

Man caught not wearing jewellery

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Stop the fucking press: woman NOT wearing a bra

Man wears t-shirt!

Man dressed appropriately for the weather  

Woman wears bikini

Woman updates social media

Nudes in brief: Cindy Crawford

And finally:  something about the Kardashians. We stopped caring.  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 18th September 2015

The news in brief:

Fourteen years later and the conspiracy theorists are still talking shit

Skynet takes up painting

Suspicious amount of alien/AI stories at the minute… what’s going on?!  

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Oi, humans, leave those elephants alone

Super-rich assume rules don’t apply to them

Politician doesn’t let the facts spoil a good story

The US grows its own attention-seeking hyper-bitch

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Assholes rejoice at public servant being assaulted.

Turns out Putin didn’t really call Elton. Who knew?!

Study states the obvious: fantasy characters aren’t 100% realistic  

The end probably isn’t nigh

Metro hates crabs

What kind of asshole uses emoji on their CV?

Newspaper’s love-affair with discount supermarket continues

Super-gonorrhoea will kill us all  

Pro tip: snapping turtles snap

Newspaper wheels out tired old Youtube video from, like, 2002

Medieval justice system treats women like shit

Literally everything will give you cancer…

Stars in their bras: Pixie Lott  

And finally: website allows you to update Facebook FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 17th September 2015

As retired policemen the world over eye their mantelpieces with suspicion, it’s time for:

The news in brief:

Natural disasters are not funny

In all fairness, it was a briefcase full of wires

Dude scores a free trip to the Whitehouse

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Skynet has a fucking foul mouth

It official: world getting more terror-y

BBC might be a little bit prejudice

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Politician a bit of a sexist prick

People upset at politician NOT being a hypocrite?!

Foxes will kill us all!

An iPhone and a wank?! Sold!

Controversial cartoon surprises no-one

Study states the obvious: girls can do science

Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination

Internet isn’t have any of your bullshit

Sorry – winter isn’t coming after all.

Housing crisis hits new low: 2-man tent in a livingroom for £500 a month…

Who on earth thought that a ‘liquid nitrogen cocktail’ was a good idea?!  

Do any kids actually think they’ll sprout wings, wheels, half-shells or karate-chop-action one day?

Surfing seal is cooler than you

Stars in their bras: Ellie Goulding

And finally: grieving mother gorilla got us all right in the feels

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 16th September 2015

The news in brief: 

The news in brief 15th September 2015

The news in brief:

Highstreet shop wants men to dress like Boba Fett

People will believe anything they read on Facebook

Newspaper very keen for you to buy a new iPhone

Newspaper not at all biased: smear campaign in full swing

People are outraged before the thing’s even a thing

Photograph oversimplifies complicated issue

Whore-bots probably not a good idea

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Taking a meat-cleaver to school ‘generally a bad idea’

BBC learns to check itself before it wrecks itself

Recession has turned the average worker into miserable, burned-out drone

Man’s inhumanity continues to mount

Social media unveils new way to spread negativity

Presentation mishap

Woman forgets to read job description

£6.00 to call directory enquiries?! Have people not heard of Google?

Scaremongering horseshit

Spiders will kill us all!

Winter looks set to be coldest so far this year

Study states the obvious: more food fits on bigger plates

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: It’s been 75 years since the Battle of Britain. Show some fucking respect.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 14th September 2015

The news in brief:

Shameless scaremongering

Have you Corbyn-proofed your house yet?

Internet doesn’t take any shit

Racists don’t understand percentages

Invasion of the killer spiders

Fun run claims another victim

Woman redefines conceited

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: vegetables are good for you

Apparently hugging is sexist now

Robots are totally going to steal your boring-ass job

Winter is coming!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Science is fucking awesome: droid arm lets amputees feel

Product placement is still not news

The dead are rising from the grave in Ireland (no really)

Minor customer service failure blown out of all proportion

Turns out money can buy happiness (who knew?!)

Politician unveils his plan to ruin everything

Newspaper not at all biased

Religious leaders have opinions

Nudes in brief: Gigi Hadid

And finally: happy birthday Fish Fingers!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

 

The news in brief 13th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Runners run run

Fastest man alive surprises no-one

Man exhibits normal man-like behaviour

Couple spends time together

Celebrity has more money than you

Public display of affection only public because you put it in the fucking news!

Paparazzi intrudes on couple’s vacation

Woman wears dress

Man caught spending time with family

Woman updates social media

Baby wearing big-sister’s shoes - oh my god, nobody cares!

The news in brief is sick to shit of reading about the Kardashian family  

It’s still fucking weird to photograph other people’s kids and share them online

Woman pops to the shops

Pregnant woman looks quite pregnant

Woman confirms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man wears hat

Debutant parties still inexplicably a thing

Cleavage is not news

Stop the press: woman smokes cigarette  

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Nudes in brief: Pixie Lott  

And finally: plastic hedge offends neighbours

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th and 11th September 2011

The news in brief:

Lest we forget…..

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Cobra wage war on Hydra

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Watch owners prepare to buy pens…

Product placement still isn’t news

Pundit not at all biased

Study states the obvious: cat people really like their cats

Politicians feather their own nests (maybe)

Millions of workers celebrate – but only because they didn’t read past the headline

Politician upsets Yorkshire

Cave is pretty fucking awesome

Zombie invasion probably not going to happen

Man’s inhumanity to sharks not as bad as we thought

Giant business not happy with its massive profits

Mad suggestion – people should be paid enough to live on

Economy still pretty shit

Housing crisis!

Attack of the moth-sized moths

UK not quite ready to legalise dignity

Another funny-fucker writes a tongue-in-cheek complaint

Video-piracy irony

Terrible person gets what he deserves

Newspaper doesn’t understand the Bystander Principle

We’re pretty sure shooting someone unarmed and injured is NOT okay..

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

And finally: turns out tobacco might be owed an apology

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 9th September 2015

The news in brief:

It's true. We love the queen! 62 years and 216 days and still going strong!

The news in brief 8th September 2015

The news in brief:

So yeah – yesterday happened and we got really angry about the news – and we totally let rip. Sorry about that, but we only offended, like, 0.1% of our audience so that’s something…

So we know that man’s inhumanity to man continues apace, and we know that religion’s bodycount continues to mount, but for the love of all that is good, let’s try and find something a bit happier:

Medieval justice can’t silence woman’s voice

Pro tip: women like sex too

Even though we don’t agree with her ass-backward belief – we have a lot of time for someone who goes to the mat for their principles

Elephants enjoy picnics too

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Festive goers are pretty rad dudes

Family re-united

Hostile nations start to play nice (if only a little bit)

Economy a little bit less shit  

Naughty little boys are totally amazing

Science helps blind woman ‘see’

Six-year-old is tougher than you are…

Undergarment saves the day!

Nudes in brief Bella Thorne

And finally: dog is super well-behaved

Well, that’s your lot: the rest is all rape, murder, muggings, hit-and-runs, paedophilia, sexual abuse, poverty and war.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 7th September 2015

The news in brief:

Once again, it’s time for the The news in brief to school some of the horse-fucking thunder-cunts who foul up the Internet with their small-minded ignorant comments.

We’re based in South Tyneside. It’s a bit run down in places and it has its rough areas, but on the whole it’s a pretty nice place to live. We have some alright shops, a pretty decent hospital and some excellent beaches and parks.

The editor and I have a pretty comfortable life. We don’t have spare money for things like holidays, but our bills are paid and we eat every day. We drive an 11 year old car, but we eat out from time to time and we both have sort-of up-to-date Smartphone. This was the reality for a great many Syrians too.  

But if the government started shelling the shit out of our postcode, you know what we’d do?  We’d grab our son and we would get the fuck out of dodge by any means necessary. You know what we wouldn’t do?

We wouldn’t stop to change out of our clothes and into the convenient rags we keep for just such an occasion.

We wouldn’t stop to take off our shoes and sock

We wouldn’t stop to make sure our Smartphones were left behind

So how about you stop saying shit like ‘they can’t be refugees, look at them, they’re taking selfies and they’re wearing a gap sweatshirt - filthy immigrant scum!’ because you know what, if the government started to shell the shit out of my hometown, and I’d survived a harrowing journey with a frightened and confused son, I’d probably want to take a selfie too.

Maybe so I could let my mum know I was still alive.

No-where in international law does it say that to qualify as a refugee, you have to live up to the preconceived expectations of what a refugee should look like. If that’s too complicated a sentence to handle, how about: ‘people with nice sweaters can be afraid for their families too.’  

Hope this clears things up.  

Pricks.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 6th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

With all the human suffering going on in the world, it’s good to know that the news is keeping us up-to-date with all the things that really matter: like who’s fucking who and who’s outfits are a little bit similar

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman caught wearing comfortable clothes

Breaking news: woman posed nude quite some time ago

Woman goes outside

Singer not so good at geography

Stop the press: man does not wear shirt 100% of the time

Man spends time with family

Man updates social media

Pro tip: it’s only a public display of affection because you’re taking a fucking picture

Segue mishap

Wardrobe malfunction

The news in brief doesn’t give a shit about Strictly Come Dancing

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears bikini

Couple goes for a walk

Woman wears dress

Woman updates social media

Woman has the audacity to pop to the shops in jeans and a tee-shirt

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

It’s still fucking weird to put photos of other people’s kids on the Internet

Nudes in brief: Nicole Scherzinger

And finally: Man wears suit to formal occasion

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 4th August 2015

The news in brief:

Newspapers full of hypocritical bullshit

Slacktivists come out in force

Country continues to treat human beings like shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet full of judgemental cunts

Scaremongering horseshit  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Completely mental solution actually a little brilliant

Thank shitting Christ for some decent people…

Remember kids: crime doesn’t pay

Queen understandably likes a bit of Downton Abby

Great news: sex is good for your health

Shop thinks it’s still 1954

Economy is bad for your health

Facebook is bad for your marriage (apparently)

“School approved socks” can fuck right off

So, man-fucking-a-fish fetish is apparently a thing

Political correctness gone mad

Pro tip: if you’re going to taunt the person you’re burgling, make sure you’re good at running

Newspaper doesn’t bother to wait for both sides of the story

Study states the obvious: fast food is bad for you

Indistinct smear probably not a ghost

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus (again)

And finally: that sheep isn’t so fluffy any more

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd September 2015

The news in brief:

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Europe finally sits up and pays attention (some of it anyway)

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone

Turns out the attention-seeking hyper-bitch is an amateur filth-wizard

Breaking news: law applies to everyone, bitch

Pro tip: guns are fucking dangerous

Business chooses unimaginative new name

Article walks the fine line between news and product placement   

Study states the obvious: cats don’t give a shit about us

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Slow news day? Newspaper wheels out fifty-billion-year-old Lad Bible meme

Weather set to become increasingly autumnal

Economy still pretty shit

World’s biggest car-boot sale turns 20

Newspaper not at all biased

Controversial television is controversial

Scientists need to learn lessons from The Wrath of Khan

Medieval justice system threatens to ruin two more lives

Turns out that honey is kinda sugary, why knew?!

Minors probably shouldn’t have smartphones  

Mugger learns the hard way about judging a book by its cover….

Indistinct blur probably not aliens

Nudes in brief: Olympia Valance

And finally: sheep is very fluffy   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd September 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel gets right to the heart of this week’s burning issues 

The news in brief 1st September 2015

The news in brief:

The Department of Work and Pensions had a pretty good idea on paper: let's not write people off as beyond any use to society and leave them to subsist on handouts, instead let's focus on what people can do and empower them to find work and ensure that employers help them. Freedom. Independence. Dignity.  The news in brief loves heaping bowlfuls of that.  

But when you send a 20 page 'prove you're unfit for work' assessment form to someone who cannot read or speak, has autism, epilepsy and Down's syndrome, cannot feed or clothe themselves and needs help going to the fucking bathroom, you're a cunt.  

Now stop reading the news and get back to work.  We read it so you don't have to...