The news in brief 16th March 2015

The news in brief:

Breaking news: chocolate has sugar in it

Human beings act like unbearable cunts

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Whole country apparently offended by concept of family

Pot calls kettle black

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Terrorists copy plot from old ‘Allo ‘Allo episode

(and less than two weeks after a Fallen Madonna story too)   

It’s official: people really like Jeremy Clarkson

Fashion designers apparently offended by concept of family

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Russia situation remains ‘pretty hairy’

Missing Prime Minister turns up safe and well – rumours that he was shot in an epic rap feud were entirely made up. By us. Just then.   

Reality TV stars act like pricks

Yeti ‘probably not real’

Pro tip: being related to someone married to someone famous does not make you famous

Koala’s inhumanity to koala continues apace

It turns out selling blenders is not a crime

Tiny drones will kill us all

Newspaper 1: blaze so hot it melted a fire engine

Newspaper 2: blaze so hot it melted the letters on a fire engine

Nudes in brief: Gabi Grecko

And finally: we suppose cat does have a passing resemblance to Kim Kardashian. Maybe.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…