The news in brief 11th March 2015

The news in brief washing machine special:

The news in brief doesn’t usually have opinions on things… apart from obvious things like not taking pictures of famous people’s kids and splashing them all over the Internet, or killing each other over easily offended invisible friends, but occasionally the news busts out with some horseshit that needs addressing:

The Right Honourable John Bercow MP is facing accusations of sexism after comparing Esther McVey to a domestic appliance.

And we quote: “I am reminded of the feeling when one thinks the washing machine will stop — but it does not!”

We’re not quite sure how that’s sexist. Rude? Yes. Offensive? Possibly. Hilarious? Almost certainly. But sexist? That’s the bit we don’t get.

So, like good journalists we went out and we did some research and after carefully dismantling and inspecting every component of our washing machine, we couldn’t find a pair of tits, a vagina, a womb, a clitoris or anything that would identify the washing machine as female. There were loads of tubes but not a one of them was fallopian. There wasn’t a cock and balls either; in fact there wasn’t anything that suggested the washing machine had a gender at all. So we asked it how it identified itself (possibly the most significant identifier – probably should have done that first) and it either wasn’t in the mood to talk about gender politics or it was an inanimate object designed to launder clothes and otherwise keep its fucking mouth shut. It’s early days yet, but we’re going with the latter.

Now one thing washing machines do actually have, is the ability to warp time so that the last minute on the countdown is impossibly extended across three quarters of an hour, prolonging the agonising wait before you can get your work pants out, fling them over a door to dry and go the fuck to bed. They’ve been doing it for decades and they have no plans to stop any time soon. They hate us but we need them and they know it.

So, if someone talks a lot, and when you think their about stop, keeps on going and going and going and going they are quite a lot like a washing machine. There’s absolutely no gender related statement in there.

You don’t stop. The washing machine doesn’t stop. You somehow make one minute feels like forty five. That’s how one is like the other.

The only way for this to be a sexist comment is if the offended party held in their mind some sort of pre-existing connection between being a woman and the traditional gender roles regarding housework and then superimposed that pre-existing connection onto the offending party’s words and then interpreted them through their own preconceived bias. But then would that not make them part of the goddamned problem for reinforcing and perpetuating gender stereotypes that have no business existing in the 21^st Century?  You know who uses washing machines? People. People use washing machines. People with dirty clothes.

Some of those people are women. Some of them are men. Almost all of them will be out of clean underwear and will be eyeing up their swimming trunks wondering if a day with a spandex secret is better than waiting that last fucking minute before they can go to bed….   

If you labour under the antiquated and practically medieval impression that washing clothes is women’s work – then you know what? Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. 

Reminding people it’s the future so you don’t have to…