The news in brief 31st December 2014

The news in brief:

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FUCKENDS!

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 29th and 30th December 2014

The news in brief: 

Tragedy in the air

Newspapers exaggerate Ebola threat

Toy does look a lot like a giant cock

US President doesn't actually plan his own holidays

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch at it again

Internet loses its shit over movie prop

Big businesses don't like competition

Medieval morality plans to disfigure a human being - for 'justice'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Chief Executive tells the media exactly where they can stick it

Turns out James Bond doesn't actually exist (we checked)

Remember: guns don't kill people...

Study states the obvious: childcare is fucking expensive

Economy a bit shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy makes retailer skimp on the sandwiches

Toilet is pretty fucking nice

Councils spend money patronising tenants

New eco-products are shit

Seriously, you bigoted fucks, breastfeeding isn't evil

That had better be some seriously epic wrapping paper

Apparently aliens have been popping round for years

Drug lords have some pretty nice shit

Nudes in brief: Cheyenne Tozzi

And finally:  Come to think of it £5.94 is still pretty fucking pricey for some wrapping paper - what were you wrapping? a house?!

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The news in brief 28th December 2014

The news in brief celebrity special: 

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Woman updates social media

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

General public not overly sure where vaginas live

Haters gotta hate

Shocker: celebrities have to do normal shit too

Paparazzi rubs former celebrities woes in her face

Concerns over Dalek's sexuality

Consenting adults share quick kiss (in the street and everything, how very dare they?!)

Apparently celebrity's kids are interesting now

Woman wears dress

Newspaper approves of woman's outfit

Paparazzi catches woman popping out WITHOUT makeup

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch version 2.0 continues to offend the entire universe

Woman buys things from shop

Stop the press: couple has lunch

Woman doesn't dress appropriately for the weather

Outrage: couple holds hands!

Man wears hat

Pregnant woman probably not 'displaying' her bump

Singer gets off aeroplane

Couple drinks hot beverages outside

Actresses' daughter not 'showing off her lean figure' as much as 'shopping whilst wearing clothes'

Nudes in brief: Behati Prinsloo

And finally: cleavage selfies are apparently news now...

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Breaking news

Breaking news: man watches sporting even taking place near his house.

Breaking news

Breaking news: problems with Paddington causes havoc in London. Marmalade prices plummet. 

The news in brief 27th December 2014

The news in brief:

Nation resorts to name calling

Racial slurrs are NOT cool

Entitled douchecunts forget the real meaning of Christmas

Boxing Day sales start Christmas Eve

Fairy tail banned for 'historical inaccuracy'

Hackers stole Christmas

Wintery weather grinds UK's infrastructure to a standstill

Terrorists apparently don't take Christmas off

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper struggled to understand that 'different' and 'equal' aren't mutually exclusive

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

The Queen kicks Doctor Who's wibbly wobbly Timelord ass

University worries escalated quickly

Previous article probably a hoax

More wintery weather due this winter

Trains delayed - London in chaos

Remember: homework is essential but after school tuition is child abuse?!

Study states the obvious: students have a lot on their plates.

Mother lambasted for sensible parenting decision

BBC warns of yellow snow

Medieval morality still treating women like shit

Panic: hackers can take control of your everything!

Economy still shit

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

And finally: The news in brief is reasonably sure Jesus wasn't a pig's head

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The news in brief 25th December 2014

The news in brief:

Merry Christmas fuckers!

Not so much as looked at a newspaper so you don't have to....

The news in brief 24th December 2014

The news in brief:

Despite Santa's best efforts to spread peace on earth and goodwill to all men, we're still killing each other, kidnapping each other and destroying the homes and lives of the innocent, all in the name of Religion.

Spare a thought for the unlucky ones who Santa won't make it to tonight - for the children enduring the bitter cold in refugee camps. 

Here's hoping for a better world next year.

Merry Christmas. 

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The news in brief 22nd December 2014

The news in brief:

Sad tragedy in Glasgow

Religion's bodycount continues to mount...

... and mount...

... and mount

Product placement masquerading as news

Argentine town thinks maybe we should give respecting women a try...

Seal was really fucking going for it

North East loses its shit over a football match

Film causes a bit of a stir

Crazy dictatorship threatens to blow up the world

Australia shows us how to not be cunts

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Supermarket's bookkeeping under scrutiny again

Exclusive: museum thinks childcare is for the womenfolk

Band not keen on changing the lyrics to their song

Medieval morality switches to medieval justice

Pope suggests the church should maybe join the 21st Century

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Supermarkets piss off Internet shoppers

'Freedom is the right of all Orangutans' says Argentina

Orangutan unavailable for comment

So 'manspreading' is a thing now...

Pro tip: if you're a prison guard - don't try to seduce the prisoners

Nudes in brief: Imogen Thomas

And finally: Santa hates terrorists!

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The news in brief 12th December 2014

You know how it works… when I’m on holiday, so is The news in brief. We’ll end the week with this week’s celebrity special, and then we’ll be back on the 22^nd with a round up of the day’s news.

The news in brief celebrity special:

Side boob is not news

Woman has legs

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Woman doesn’t dress appropriately for the weather

Woman updates social media

Young, sexual active couple expecting a child

Stop the press: man carries some shopping  

Woman’s clothes and figures described at length. Man’s name is apparently description enough.

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Racy music video is racy

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Woman fails to live up to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Celebrity forgets that her hair, clothes and make up must be meticulous at ALL times

Woman wears hat

Woman’s personal trauma is somehow our business

Photographer catches parent parenting

You know, judging a 7-year-old’s outfit is kinda creepy and weird

Isn’t it normal to be ‘make-up free’ when you’re jogging

Scandal: woman wears same outfit TWICE!

Nudes in brief: Pixie Lott (nearly)

And finally: woman buys Christmas tree…. At Christmas!  

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The news in brief 11th December 2014

The news in brief:

First flurry of snowfall sees United Kingdom grind to a stop

Weatherbomb blasts the North West

December’s weather normal for time of year

US navy unveils its mother-fucking death ray

Knee-jerk commentators don’t really understand economics  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

‘Orange Wednesdays’ are now just ‘Wednesdays’

Royal does quite get how humans work

Study states the obvious: during economic downturn things became more expensive

Pro tip: stop fucking about on railway lines

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

BBC to build Cumberbatch a Cumberpatch

Apparently it’s time to make some babies

Man’s inhumanity to horse continues apace

Just so you know, stringing lots of clever-sounding words together does make them a sentence

So, beard baubles are a thing now

Rumours about crazy dictatorship surprise no-one

Advert suggests Christmas is about some dude called Jesus?!

Hamper is pretty fucking expensive

Random knot-hole maybe looks a tiny bit like the Virgin Mary

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

And finally: crows invade town

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The news in brief 10th December 2014

The news in brief:

CIA investigation surprises no-one

Apparently not complying with a police officer is a capital offence now…

Random pattern looks a tiny bit like a swastika

Minor customer service failure is somehow news

Man gets a promotion

Olympic committee thinks equal rights are pretty fucking cool too

Weather bomb!  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Planet irreparably damaged by environmental group  

Monster walks away on a technicality

Great news for misogynistic assholes everywhere

Newspaper outright condones torture

Big bang may have made backwards anti-universe where everyone is evil and has goatee beards… (Okay, we added that last bit)

Girlfriend’s prank is a pain in the arse  

Story states the obvious: first class has better seats

Science is fucking awesome

Pro tip: mistletoe drones are NOT a good idea  

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Driver has a lucky escape

Pareidolia is not news  

Nudes in brief: Casey Batchelor

And finally: religious group offended by imaginary wizard

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Breaking news

Breaking news: gigantic sweaty horse-funking thundercunt: 1, common sense: 0

The news in brief 8th December 2014

The news in brief:

Freedom of Speech is soooo last century

Newsflash: celebrity daughter gets ordinary job

Minor customer service failure treated as news

Contents of sarcophagus not that surprising

Research suggests you’re a failure

Media tells you what to aspire you

Hilarious greetings card a tiny bit offensive  

Study states the obvious: living costs and wages should probably rise together

Politician lambasted for telling the truth  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Breaking news: not all humans are pricks   

Judges rule in favour of common sense

Self-aggrandising cunt strikes again

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Royal not actually the chick from Frozen…

MP suggests common sense should maybe be a thing

Pills fix everything

December-y weather forecast for December

Boo-fucking-hoo, judges have to make their own lunch (like everybody else)

Study shows menthol may lead to harder substances, such as eucalyptus (or maybe even tea-tree oil!)

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

And finally:  Looks like we’re gonna need a replacement bus replacement bus  

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The news in brief 7th December 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Yummy mummy’s has controversial cleavage

Woman wears dress

Second-hand football boot surprising expensive

News outlet indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Women fail to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Wild speculation as man TALKS to WOMAN

Woman tries to enjoy basic personal hygiene

Woman updates social media

Cleavage!

Woman conforms to media narrow definition of beauty

Photographer catches parent spending time with kids  

Attention-seek hyper-bitch version 2.0 continues her mission to undermine the sanctity of everything

Tabloids continue to feed the troll

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s dress

Pregnant woman probably not trying hide her bump at all (‘cos it’s cold you see, and the sweater and scarf might have more to do with that…)

Stop the press: model does a bit of modelling

For some reason, woman’s clothes size and a subjective appraisal of her appearance take precedence over reason why she was in the news in the first place

Apparently, some B-listers are in a jungle

Nudes in brief: Lauren Stoner

And finally: coats do have similar toggles.   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

The news in brief 6th December 2014

The news in brief 5th December 2014

The news in brief:

Stop the press: parents follow through with threat to cancel Christmas (but there will still be decorations, presents and Christmas food…)

Politician attended the attention-seeking hyper-bitch school of public speaking

Shocker: married couple still love each other

Study states the obvious: junk food is bad for you

Chairman is totally not sorry

Mad dictatorship has skewed priorities

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Restaurant don’t want no ugly chicks

Genuine supervillain holding up little shops in London

Thought of squeezing out a 14-pound baby makes women everywhere clench

Actor continues his mission to star in every franchise

Bureaucracy: 1, Human kindness: 0

Historical screen caps of popular websites… must be a slow news day

Some people will complain about anything… Wait? I’m pretty sure Buzzfeed covered this yesterday.

Mad suggestion that sick people should be treated and not punished

Pro tip: when faking an accident, be sure to check for cameras

Aliens may be robots

Snow forecast for winter

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Nudes in brief: Whitney Port

And finally: Man doesn’t understand how iTunes works…

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The news in brief 4th December 2014

The news in brief:

Man eaten by man eating snake

Man lives to tell the tale – snake unavailable for comment

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her crusade to offend everyone

Politician is an insensitive twat

Cyclist learns the hard way not to be a dick

Study states the obvious: people will complain about anything

People lose their shit over man’s jumper

Emissary of invisible sky-wizard tells children that jolly Christmas wizard doesn’t exist

Little girl is really fucking lucky

Pro tip: be fucking careful around goddamned trains!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

MacGyver apparently working for IS now

Shark pups have a lucky escape

Must we keep doing this? Product placement is NOT news  

Turns out breast milk sells really well…  

Ebola!

Wintery weather forecast for December

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man gives amazing pep talk

Teenage defendants don’t speak good

Nudes in brief: Cheryl Burke

And finally: town plagued my mysterious disappearing ducks

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd December 2014

The news in brief:

So, there I am, wading my way through a dozen different news websites, notepad document ready to jot down any juicy titbits (I'll apologise for the pun later) for tonight's The news in brief  when I stumble across a Buzzfeed article on Facebook about the breastfeeding mother asked to cover up by the staff in Claridge's.

I was sucked in. There were so many comments! Two hours later I was still trawling through them, my regard for the entire human race fading by the second, and aside from the staggering lack of good grammar, I was taken aback by the small-minded fuck-shittery people were capable of.

First of all, a lesson in false equivalence:

Yes, breastfeeding is natural. And yes, so are pooping and farting, but that doesn't mean they're the same thing.    

'Cos you see, pooping and farting are the body's way of excreting waste. That's something we do in private.  Over time we've evolved a social taboo about doing these things in front of other people, but it's likely to have evolved from good old-fashioned hygiene.

Babies also excrete waste. They do this in their nappies (because they're not so hot at using toilets yet) and we change them in private. So you see, it's nothing like breastfeeding. That's false equivalence.

You know what breastfeeding is equivalent to?  Eating.

Which leads me to this piece of comedy gold:

Because she's absolutely right - there is a time and a place for everything.

The time for eating is 'when you're hungry.'

The place for eating is 'restaurants.'

If you don't want to see a woman breastfeeding, the solution is pretty fucking straightforward:

Stop looking at the woman breastfeeding 

and just like that the problem is resolved.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat in the corner with a blanket over my head.

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sorry for the titbits pun... 

The news in brief 2nd December 2014

The news in brief:

Mentalist dictatorship launches tourism website

Economist predict the obvious

Parents are pretty fucking awesome

Anonymous Internet fucktards are terrible people

Turns out being a terrorist isn’t much fun

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Product placement masquerading as news (even if it is really fucking cool)

Study states the obvious: snacking makes you fat

Turns out the backs of babies’ heads are really offensive (or maybe it’s the sight of slightly rumpled jumpers that might offend other diners)

And of course, anonymous Internet fucktards are terrible people

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Mice caught on camera outside a restaurant… wait, why is this news?!

Mix up makes man very happy

Kid learns the hard way not to be a cock

Queen may not be queen after all

Anti-capitalist doesn’t like being questioned about his £5000.00 a month flat

Stop the press: snow expected in December!

BBC investigates as fictional character’s rights may have been violated  

For £5.00 a cup, tea leaves had better be something pretty fucking special

Stephen Hawking warns us about Skynet

Nudes in brief: Madonna

And finally: man finally squeezes twenty year old spot

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

The news in brief 1st December 2014

The news in brief:

Hero girl mourned by nation

Coldest day of December so far

Man to give evidence – from beyond the grave

Old holiday snaps apparently worth money

Christmas card is fucking shite

Surprise shark

Some wankers on the Internet have no respect at all

Picking on teenage girls is never cool

Pro tip: people don’t always appreciate spoilers

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Compensation culture strikes again

NASA confirms earth is NOT going to be plunged into perpetual darkness

Greedy bastards get what they deserve

Study states the obvious: exercise is important

Super secret spy plane responsible for mystery noises

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Political party continues its mission to offend everyone

Amazon’s droid army is ready to… well, carry boxes, actually

Terrible Christmas tree is a bit of an eyesore

Is ebola hiding in your sperm?!

Nudes in brief: Hertfordshire

And finally: 120 million crabs take a little walk on the beach…  

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