The news in brief 31st July 2014

The news in brief:

Happy birthday Harry Potter!

Theatre probably not haunted

Ebola not as contagious as you think

Stop the press: people using limited space effectively

Sunbather does look a bit like Katy Perry

Terrible films get sequels

News website still oversaturated with soccerball stories

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Woman forgets how to person

Man aged 111 passes away – newspaper could have used a different picture  

Priest probably a bit mental     

LEGO will kill us all

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

General consensus agrees that shelling civilians is a Very Bad Thing

Couple were clearly destined to be together

Woman really likes her job

Darwin award – oxygen is an accelerant

Crocodile just wanted to freshen up

Continental drift not news to anyone with GCSE in science

  

Nudes in brief: everyone seems to be dressed today. Does Miley Cyrus sideboob count?

Diana Watch 2014: still dead   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 29th July 2014

The news in brief:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not responsible for 9/11

Britain dodges ebola bullet

Newsflash: punching a kid half your age is NOT cool

Internet has upside down priorities

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Frivolous lawsuit

Minor customer service mishap blown out of all proportion

Outrage as rules are applied fairly

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Possibly hypothetical sky-wizard unavailable for comment

Pro tip: stay off the fucking railway tracks!

Child distressed by facts of life

£75.00?! The stuff falls out of the goddamned sky!   

Outrage as man has opinions about stuff

Twitter shits a kitten as celebrities oversimplify complicated situation

Black cats take rubbish selfies (apparently)

Thor expresses his opinion of pigs

News website still oversaturated with football stories

Weather due to become more autumn-ish over the next few months  

Terrible human being abuses power

Doctors told to practice what you preach – ‘cause you know, freedom and all that

Here’s a thought: menus not to blame – you are

Nudes in brief: Miranda Kerr (even though she has little-to-no reason to be pictured, let alone nude)

Diana Watch 2014: all signs point to dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th July 2014

The news in brief:

Ebola virus coming to kill us all

Internet doomsayers predict the end of mankind – at least that’s what I think they were saying – their spelling and grammar was really fucking bad!

Insane dictatorship has seen too many movies

Blogger has bigger balls than all of you

Study states the obvious: running is good for you

Child probably not the spawn of Satan

Toddler tanning salons apparently a thing now

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Badly worded sign causes a spot of outrage

Newspaper indulges in some straight-up bullying

Man clearly a kung-fu master

Minor customer services hiccup posing as news

Extra congestion charges seem a bit ‘cunty’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet crippled by sound logical reasoning

Dolphins are totally righteous dudes

Nudes in brief: Chloe Sims

Don’t feed the troll – it seems people will buy any old shit

Skinny dippers threatened with sex offenders register – still unclear if the ocean is pressing charges  

Medieval morality rears its ugly head again

Shock revelation: women are people too!  

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 27th and 28th July 2014 (plus free blog post)

The news in brief:

Usually liberal news outlet indulges in a spot of cyberbullying

Solar panels: you're doing it all wrong

Holy war declared against dogs?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Seriously - how hard is it to not kill people?

Fracking will save us all

Frivolous law suit  

Wet grass’s inhumanity to dogs continues apace

Totally rad scientists promote fistbumping for all the wrong reasons

Handshakes will kill us all (apparently)

BBC presenter surprises no-one

Basically the whole world is pretty hairy right now

Study states the obvious: dinosaurs might not have gone extinct if all of the conditions had been totally different

Fracking will kill us all

Dragonfly is fucking huge!

Terrible human being forgets how to parent

Diana Watch 2014: pretty sure she’s still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief celebrity special:

BBC unveils news reality phone-in show (yawn)

Reality TV show gets totally needless spin-off

Man doesn’t like working with other man

Wild speculation

Celebrity’s love life is apparently our business

Woman looks undignified on bouncy castle

Woman updates social media

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Singer proud owner of legs

Woman wears t-shirt

Pregnant woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Nudes in brief: Toni Garrn

Woman wears bikini whilst on HOLIDAY

High street guru not that good at job

Diana Watch 2014: yup. still dead    

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to….

A bonus blog post from the archives:

Child abusers can send things to each other through the post. Royal Mail should monitor all of our post and face fines and legal action if anything gets through... wait that's crazy talk. So why are ISPs and search engines facing this backwardness? Child abusers wouldn't put their filth in a brown package labelled 'child abuse' and drop it off at the post office. If it were me I'd bundle it in a stack of old comics and not label it at all. This applies to the Internet too. These filth wizards aren't going to type 'Child abuse images' into Bing (mostly because no-one uses Bing) They're going to save their file names as meaningless alphanumeric chains and share them peer to peer through a goddamned pottery chat room. Blocking search terms and stopping perfectly legal pornography isn't going to do shit other than criminalise legitimate researchers and make me tell Virgin Media when I fancy a quick knuckle shuffle to some downstairs mixup. To stop child abuse on the Internet we need to go offline and the police need to take out the sick fucks with the cameras. There is a sad real world component to child abuse and by the time it's on the Internet there's already a vulnerable human being scarred for life. Making Bing and Google responsible means it's already too late.

Raving about the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th July 2014

A the news in brief exclusive:

Bored dads rejoice as Gateshead IKEA evacuated

The news in brief was there to provide first hand coverage

Fire engines arrives

No sign of any fire though – hopefully just a little one

Another fire engine arrives

Baby excited by the nee-naw nee-naws

There were no ambulances though – so everyone was okay. That means we can make jokes, right?!  

Mums desperate to buy sofas and beds wait for aaaaages in case it re-opens

Staff get a sneaky few hours off in the sun

Poor fire wardens irritated by people who fail to understand ‘move away from the doors’

Seriously dude – move away from the fucking doors!

Wriggly babies get really heavy after 45 minutes

Decorative rock not at all comfortable

Teenage girls disappointed by lack of sexy fireman

Editor disappointed by lack of sexy fireman

Oh the humanity: woman has come all the way from Whitley bay!

Still not re-opened: ‘at least another half hour’ starting to feel like a low-end estimate

Mums desperate for beds and sofas leave

Dude looking for a display case for his Batman figures gives up pretty early on

The news in brief gives up and goes to the pub

Probably going to have to go again tomorrow – the editor really wants a new sofa

Sigh

Making the news so you don’t have to…  

  

  

The news in brief 25th July 2014

The news in brief:

News more concerned by woman’s appearance than what she had to say

News website indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Study states the obvious: your hormones can be shifty bastards

‘Kind gesture’ was unfortunately ‘creepy as fuck’

The sun nearly destroyed all of modern civilisation

US prepares to bomb the sun

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man has a real-life Light Cycle

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0  

Local authority not too sure how cats work

Shop agrees to use person-shaped mannequins

Terrible human being forgets how to person

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: ‘day of rage’ probably not going to help calm things down

Thor expresses his opinion of selfies

Economy is apparently all fixed now   

Giant puppets invade Liverpool

Surrounded by death and tragedy and misery… life found a way

The importance of changing your underwear everyday clearly cannot be overstated

Despicable woman forgets how to parent

Man confused by mirrors

Nudes in brief: Charisma Carpenter

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 24th July 2014

The news in brief:

Heterosexual couple undermines the sanctity of marriage

Wild speculation reported as fact

Queen photobombs a selfie

Study states the obvious: good food is good for you

Another aeroplane tragedy – once again the news in brief sends its condolences  

The news in brief is starting to think B. A. Baracus was onto something

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Internet shows us not all human beings are awful people

Turns out 80% of the Commonwealth nations are arseholes

Spelling not a priority when challenging the establishment

Grieving sister rightly outraged

Attention-seeking hyperbitch strikes again

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy not so shit

Chief condom-tester’s job not as awesome as it sounds

Irony lost as feminist tell women what their not allowed to think

Circumcision goes horribly wrong

Say what now?! Terrorists order all women in nation to submit to genital mutilation  

Nudes in brief: Imogen Anthony

Pot calls kettle black

Terrible human being forgets how to person

Advertisement poses as news

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 23nd July 2014

The news in brief:

Bureaucracy 1: Common sense: 0  

School clearly run by a bunch of dicks

5 year-old punished for parent’s actions

Child ostracised from his peers to ‘prevent embarrassment’

The news in brief clearly has a bee in its bonnet about a news story…

Exclusive: antiquated sexist attitudes alive and well in 21^st Century England

Old man challenges Internet’s preconceptions

Tragedy strikes another airliner. The news in brief has nothing but condolences for the victims and families…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: having sex with you pupils is very, very wrong

‘Straight White Guy Festival’ may or may not be a thing

   

Woman regrets dress purchase

Best headline ever: man makes giant fart machine to pump at France

The news in brief writer has to take a short break after writing: man makes giant fart machine to pump at France

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

No. Four-year-olds don’t need a fucking graduation ceremony

Commonwealth games make Scotland seem pretty awesome

Employment laws apply to everyone equally

25 degrees Celsius is pretty hot, but it’s not ‘do myself a grievous injury hot’…

Snakes found outside

Study states the obvious: you need to cook meat properly

Nudes in brief: Kris Jenner

Diana Watch 2014: probably not still alive

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 22nd July 2014

The news in brief:

Obvious clerical error reported as news

Reader comments suggest people actually haven’t read the article

Apparently enjoying other people’s misfortune counts as news

Baby turns one after living 12 months

Thief doesn’t quite know how social media works

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Adele probably not to blame

Study states the obvious: junk food is bad for you

Pro tip: jamming popping candy into your John Thomas is a Bad Idea

Whoever would have guessed that mutilating a young girl’s ladyparts should be illegal?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount    

Stop the press: boy looks like his father!

Sometimes it’s NOT time to take a selfie

News website seems to only have football stories

Law possibly needs updating  

Seriously – has anyone tried just NOT killing each other?

Dear The Daily Mail – I know we don’t normally name drop on The news in brief, however, if you don’t start putting the graphic content warning BEFORE the graphic images instead of AFTER, I’m going to pop my stack

Animals with massive noses have best sense of smell. No way!

Yoghurt is good for you

Nudes in brief: Robyn Lawley

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 21st July 2014

The news in brief:

Man tries to solve relationship problem – like a complete arsehole

Environmental group surprised to learn that LEGO is made out of plastic

Man not quite as fit as he was 15 years ago

School is run by heartless wanker

Comedian strikes back!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Child’s bereavement is somehow our business

Child ages at entirely normal rate

Media makes some pretty dangerous accusations

Journalist has a moment of weakness

Dragons, broomsticks, flowers and scuba gear wash up on the beach

Once again, the news in brief feels the need to point out that LEGO is made out of oil

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Beef will kill us all

Man speaks out from the heart

Football rivals put aside their differences to show the world that not all humans are terrible

Hilarious car advert is hilarious (and maybe a wee bit insensitive)

West Midlands supernatural hotspot (apparently)

Hospital staff forget how to person

Bigot removed from aircraft

Newspaper’s love affair with discount supermarket pretty much over (they built them up and now they’ll knock them back down…)

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Joines, 32, from Portsmouth

Diana Watch 2014: still making headlines. Still dead.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 17th to 20th July 2014

The news in brief

Last night I saw photographs of dead bodies still strapped into their seats and pieces of destroyed fuselage in the wreckage of people's homes. There's no way I can find anything funny about that. As a mark of respect The news in brief is going to take a few days hiatus and our thoughts and wishes are with the families of the deceased. 

Reading the news so you don’t have to....

Breaking news

Breaking news: newspaper gleefully sucks all the joy out of otherwise nice gesture...

The news in brief 15th July 2014

The news in brief:

Pretty brutal injuries presented as entertainment

Photoshop helps perpetuate media’s impossibly narrow definition of beauty

Inspiring photographs show us that not everyone is a prick

Man being condemned for his parents’ choices – before he’s even had a chance to succeed

Sad story ends in tragedy

Fictional character’s gender shouldn’t be news

Squiggly line kinda looks a bit like a penis… maybe

Lovely message restores faith in humanity – even if it is a weenie bit plagiarised

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Emergency data laws are doubleplusungood

Economy still pretty shit

On-the-job experience helpful

Pregnant woman wears loose fitting dress

Woman may or may not be pregnant

Insaniac weirdo snagged by the FBI  

Lizard probably like cucumber

Cracks start to appear in newspaper’s love affair with discount supermarket

Man’s inhumanity to man continued apace

Pro tip: ‘think tanks says in could be a good idea’ is not the same as ‘it’s going to happen’

Music channel basically gives up on music videos

Medieval justice system hasn’t quite got the hang of this ‘human rights’ thing

Nudes in brief: Lucy Mecklenburgh- whoever that is

Diana Watch 2014: probably still dead. To be honest, I haven’t checked in a while.   

  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 14th July 2014

The news in brief:

Survey suggests 'faddy diets' are 'faddy'

Fruit juice is the new bread

Church suggests it should me more user-friendly

Church suggests changing would be a terrible mistake

Church suggests its priests should be more approachable

Church suggests changing would be a terrible mistake

Church agrees that women are people too

Some people don’t like that idea

Pope suggests there's a whole bunch of dirty kiddie-fiddlers in positions of trust in our communities

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Seriously, has anyone tried not bombing each other?!

Hydra tells Cobra to calm things down a bit

Newsflash: Brits have terrible teeth

Dad takes parenting to a whole new level

Media's demonisation of a whole industry proceeds according to schedule

Media uses emotive language to skew statistics

More 15 year old boys also have access to toilet paper than fathers living at home

Woman gets married

Cabinet re-shuffle cuffufful

Nudes in brief: lots of hairy legs

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 13th July 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Newspaper dictates what kind of body type you want

Woman wears clothing appropriate for swimming – whilst swimming

Fuck the gig that’s coming up – the stylist’s wearing a bikini  

Nudes in brief: Liam Payne

Paparazzi intrudes on romantic night out

‘Discreet’ and ‘Private’ obviously mean something else to some people

Photographer intrudes of family holiday

Outrage: couple caught shopping

Woman wears dress

Newspaper approves of woman’s clothes

Woman changers her hair colour

Singer conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Celebrity has the audacity to go out without make-up

Actress tries to escape paparazzi attention – sadly she failed

Newspaper struggles for similes

Newspaper doesn’t approve of woman’s clothes

Scandal: Consenting adult enjoys legal activity

Woman proud owner of legs

Shock: woman wears the same dress more than once!

Singer sits down – outside!

Model dares to look a bit tired after a long flight

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 12th July 2014:

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: people would be better off if they lived within their means.

No fucking shit.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 11th July 2014

The news in brief:

Outrage: Steven Spielberg not a dinosaur murderer

Study states the obvious: radiation is bad for you

Clean your fucking microwave

Model learns the hard way about what not to post on social media

No shit: London is pretty expensive

Rain ruins everything

Journalist says what we’re all thinking

Laws of thermodynamics not that difficult to grasp

Pro tip: you should keep your clothes on in the office

Everything is always someone else’s fault

Taking photo for the media > helping your little boy

Now you can be a Bond villain too

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Stop the press: exercise is good for you

Garish, expensive sash is a totally good idea

Restaurant shows us that not all human beings are mindless, selfish, dribbling cunts

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Handball rules a bit sexist

Blur probably not a ghost

Just putting it out there: adults can’t eat in the swimming pool either    

Science is fucking awesome

Video games make you nicer… wait what?!

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th July 2014

Thursdays are historically a difficult day for The news in brief. It’s nearly Friday and I guess, just like everyone else, the journalists are starting to take their feet off the accelerator as they wind down for the weekend. Unless something really bad/mad/hilarious/outrageous happens, Thursdays are a total ball ache.

So I got to thinking - how else can I show my contempt for the mainstream media? Then it dawned on me: What if I reported the to-ing and fro-ings of ordinary people the way the news reports on celebrities! That’d be funny, right?! So I hit the street for the first The news in brief regular joe special:

Shock: man plays with child in park

Man drinks coffee IN THE STREET

Blogger intrudes on family day out

The news in brief  doesn't much care for woman's clothes, but instead of living and letting live, we report it like it's news

Woman wears dress

New mum looks tired

Pregnant women tries to hide her baby bump with loose fitting top

Couple engage in public display of affection

Woman does job

Man who probably shouldn't be snacking caught snacking

Confident woman dresses comfortably but we're not going to say anything nice because she doesn't conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Cleavage!

Outrage: people eat lunch TOGETHER

Nudes in brief: everyone seems to have their clothes on

Woman caught smoking

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the gym - to the gym!

The 3599 Other UK Citizens Killed in Road Traffic Accidents In 1997 Watch 2014: still dead

Pointing out how stupid the news can be so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 9th July 2014

The news in brief:

Frivolous lawsuit of biblical proportions

Internet is full of foul mouthed cunts

Minor misunderstanding blown out of all proportions

Celebrity suggests he is entitled to a private life

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Spelling mistake (and missing apostrophe) kinda permanent

Little siblings are there to make your life hell

Autotune use surprises no-one

Awesome pilot gets a round in   

Girl doesn’t know how to use social media

Man knows exactly how to use social media

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Woman really wants to eat her placenta

Pro tip: has anyone actually tried NOT bombing each other?

People forget that train drivers are people too :(

Terrorists clearly enjoy the open sequence of Team America: World Police

- editor: or GI: Joe: Rise of Cobra!  

School rules a bit heavy handed

Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Nudes in brief: Ashley Roberts (whoever that is)   

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…      

The news in brief 8th July 2014

The news in brief:

Bright spot probably not aliens

News outlet finds kitten picture we’ve all seen already

Woman not so hot at budgeting  

Family will sue anybody

Mad suggestion that the rules should apply to everyone equally

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Happy Potter fans literally wet their pants with excitement

It’s not always time to take a selfie…

Basically, everyone in the UK is being investigated by project Yewtree

Rubbish museum probably hasn’t even seen Star Wars

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Gaza situation escalates from ‘hairy’ to ‘pretty fucking hairy’

Sports: Germany beats the shit out of Brazil

Nudes in brief: Venus Williams

Drugs are bad – especially if you’re a ferry boat

New rules curb my freedoms because some fucking, scratty little cunts can’t behave themselves…

Cycling will give you cancer    

Man goes to newspaper over minor inconvenience

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…      

The news in brief 7th July 2014

The news in brief: 

Man won the tennis

Man upset he didn’t win the tennis

Boeing 737s make bid for freedom

Many people grateful that dude is good at his job

Hilarious tattoo is hilarious  

Article states the obvious: old things are sometimes valuable

News outlet abandons written word for advert-laden videos

Paid-for service request payment

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper doesn’t like your holiday snaps

Some little cunt needs a clip round the ear

Police take passive-aggressive Facebook comments to the next level

Glowing bin probably not portal to heaven

Be sure to charge your phone before you get on the ‘plane…

Inappropriate images of Orinoco found on Great Uncle Bulgaria’s hard-drive

Study suggests sugar makes you… something… something… 

Pro tip: Cambridge, Essex and London not actually in France

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shock: pensioners are people too

Misleading headline misses out some pretty pertinent information

Science starting to kick cancer’s arse

Nudes in brief: Kourtney Kardashian

‘Video games make people do bad things’ bullshit rears its ugly head again

Study suggests sugar makes you… something… something…

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…      

The news in brief 6th July 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Celebrities not quite sure how Twitter works

Talented actor’s sexuality should be irrelevant, but for some reason it’s not

Woman updates social media

Professional model conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Pert bottoms are NOT news

Woman goes out for food

Woman wears dress

Shock: legal adult drinks alcohol

Woman eating chicken

Woman has cleavage

Wild speculation dismissed (and this is somehow news?!)

TV show is shit

Journalist told to be more soft and fluffy

Nudes in brief: Heidi Klum

Celebrities have the audacity to go outside in casual clothes

Paparazzi intrude on family day out

Outrage: pregnant woman dresses comfortably

Stop the press: family walks dog!

Woman wears bikini

Woman goes for a jog

Photographer catches mother and child wearing similar dresses

35 year-old defends being abusive on the Internet to a 19 year-old

Newspaper describes singer’s clothes and ‘toned body’ before mentioning her successful performance…

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ ‘dead’ 

Reading the… news?! so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 5th July 2014

- You lucky kids don’t normally get a the news in brief on Saturday. But I dropped the ball yesterday and totally forgot to post (read as ‘fell asleep on the living room carpet and had to be dragged to bed,’) so here’s an extra sweary poke through this weekend’s news…     

The news in brief 5^th July 2014:

Act of kindness shows us that not all people are selfish pricks

Half-Man, half-water melon attends world cup

Sexism is still a thing

Cobra Commander reveals his face to the world

Petra Kvitova gets 24 hours of fame before the men’s final overshadows her achievement

60 years ago, stuff happened ON TV!

Important document contains grammatical error

Family demonstrates that not all human beings are small-minded shits

Parents forget how to person

Invisible sky-wizard ruins another family   

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Very important document goes walk-about – people understandably pissed off

By ‘eck: Tour De Yorkshire goes ahead as planned

Economy still shit – but will be better than France’s in six years (maybe)

Expect to be destitute and starving by the time you’re 68…

#FirstWorldProblem: restaurant runs out of chicken

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Human’s myopic, vapid, self-aggrandising ego clearly has no limit

Cute squirrel is totally cute

Nudes in brief: Joanna Krupa   

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 4th July 2014

-Sorry I didn't get to post this yesterday: I was really tired and I fell asleep. Better late than never...

The story of Independence Day, by the news in brief:

200 years ago, on the 4th of July, the evil British Empire forged an alliance with Zombie Hitler, who was still lost in time after his final battle with Jesus at the end of the Bible.

The British wanted to take people's money as taxes without letting them have a say in how society was run. Zombie Hitler wanted to control the weather by blowing up the ocean. Together they built a gigantic space station with a gigantic death ray and they captured Jesus and Santa.

The president of the United States of America, a drunken red neck who had been abducted by the British before, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum teamed up to rescue Santa and Jesus from Area 51.

With Santa and Jesus free, Santa flew a captured British spaceship up to the British Empire's space station, which was similar but legally distinct from the Death Star, and blew it up using a computer virus. Luckily his Mac was compatible with the evil alien's operating system.
Meanwhile, Jesus and Hitler engaged in another epic battle. It all looked bad for Jesus when Hitler summoned his droid army from the future; but the day was saved when Hulk Hogan and Mr T came back from the future to help. Hitler's robot army was destroyed and he was cast back into the time stream.

Thanks to Jesus, Santa, Mr T and the Hulkster the mermaids remained in control of the weather and there would be no taxation without representation.

And they all went to Boston Harbour and had a tea party. The end

Paying attention to history, so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd July 2014

The news in brief:

Israel/Palestine situation starts to get hairy

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper doesn’t like couple’s clothes

Awful parents forget how to person

Syria situation still pretty hairy

UK sees hottest summer this year

#Thinspiration is fucking up teenage girls

Misleading headline

Study suggests everybody is shit at flirting

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

New species of wasp makes nest from THE CORPSES OF ITS SLAIN ENEMIES!

Nudes in brief: Ali Landry    

Skin-to-skin contact is good for babies, so tabloid can shut its stupid face

Controversial killer drones are controversial

Great Uncle Bulgaria to face over three trillion historic allegations

Diana Watch 2014: New photo confirms alive 25 years ago. Still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd July 2014

The news in brief:

Barista proves that not all human beings are giant fuckwads

Multinational corporate giant supports basic human right

Woman is a giant fuckwad

Sherlock fans get their half-minute fix for the next 2 years

Ebola virus pretty fucking bad

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Doctors roll out a huge ‘I-told-you-so’ to the human race

Saving humanity from extinction ‘not good for profits’

PM threatens return to medieval healthcare

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

England decides that that Andrew Murray is Scottish again…

Study states the obvious: PE is good for kids

Wombling free: Great Uncle Bulgaria denies all charges

Crowd-funding pays for Youtube video no-one wants to see

Television executives apologise for not being psychic

Police somewhat heavy-handed

Moronic dickface gets what’s coming to him    

Ants will save us all!

People acts like cunts on the Internet

Man’s inhumanity to dogs continues apace

Science is fucking amazing

Bigfoot ‘probably just a bear’

Nudes in brief: Irina Shayk  

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…