The
news in brief:
Medieval
justice system wants to snatch the kids too 
Turns out
guns do kill people
French PM
will probably skip pudding 
Religion’s
bodycount continues to mount
Pope
states the obvious: cats are not children
Economic
recovery a bit wank
18,000
inmates promise to behave
Biscuit
Spread is a thing now 
Giant
octopus causes havoc in Oxford Circus
Study
states the obvious: fat people have fat babies 
Eggs are
apparently a plant now 
Newspaper
not so hot at spell checking
Man's
inhumanity to man continues apace
Hysteria!
The
Internet will kill us all 
Newspaper
helpfully highlights illegal football pitch 
Parents
outraged by website's entirely hypothetical plans 
Nudes in
brief: Rihanna 
New
planet probably not all that Earth-like 
Internet
still not down with that whole ‘gays are people too’ jive
Blue light will kill us all 
Miracle drug beats the shit out of cancer 
Diana
Watch 2014: someone hit on her in 1987. Still dead. 
Reading the news so
you don’t have to… 
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