The news in brief 1st June 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: The Onion is not a real newspaper

Despicable crimes outlined for your ghoulish amusement

Science starting to kick cancer’s arse

Two wrongs apparently make a right now?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Apparently being a little bit rude is a crime?

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucracy: 0, Common sense: 1

Equality not that hard to understand

Usual suspects struggle with the word ‘ceasefire’ again

Economy still pretty fucked

“Man quite likes pie” is totally NOT news

Remember 1997? Allegedly England was a nightmarish Orwellian dictatorship?

Audi brings the roof down

Noisy neighbour’s sentence a bit too harsh   

Rapist’s sentence no where near harsh enough

Government a bit heavy handed

Minor customer service snafu blown out of all proportion

One trick pony plans to limp out of the barn again

Stop babying your kids, you bunch of soft shits

Cats will kill us all

Nudes in brief: Kylie Jenner

And finally: if someone identifies as a woman, inverted commas around the word ‘she’ is just a little bit cuntish

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 31st May 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman’s privacy violated

Woman’s clothes judged

Bodyshaming is apparently news now

Man updates social media

Publishing photographs of people’s kids is still pretty weird

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Parent caught parenting

Cleavage is NOT news

Enrique Iglesias: 1, killer drone: 0

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Wild speculation

Consenting adults caught spending time together

Taking pictures of a minor handing out with their boyfriend is pretty fucking weird too

Stop the press: man caught yawning!

Paparazzi catch family walking

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Breaking news: woman’s top doesn’t quite touch her waistband

Newspaper has feelings about woman’s hair

Woman wears dress

Media tells women what to wear

Woman wears bikini

Shock: an actual example of a woman ‘showing off her baby bump.’

Nudes in brief: Amber Rose

And finally: is it actually someone’s job to sit at the airport and photograph famous people getting off ‘planes?

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th May 2015

The new in brief:

We thought it was high time we did a post about the FIFA scandal. The only problem is, we don’t know the first thing about football, or sport at all for that matter, so we’ve been dodging this for a few days. But we do understand money, greed, corruption and conspiracy, but the more and more we read, the more and more convoluted the whole thing became. So, instead of battering our heads we decided to let the Summary Snail sum things up instead:  

The news in brief 28th May 2015

The news in brief:

Normally we do a Throwback Thursday on, well, Thursday, because it gives us the night off to watch Criminal Minds, drink tea and play scrabble – such is the rock and roll lifestyle here at The news in brief. However, before we get down to that, we need to share the greatest and best news story in the world ever: J K Rowling, author of The Casual Vacancy, as well as some other less successful Young Adult fantasy works, has dropped the mic at the feet of the Westborough Baptist Church in what is sure to be the greatest rap battle of all time.

And now, on with that Throwback thing:

The news in brief 28th May 2014:

Cynicism increases chances of dementia - The news in brief team somewhat concerned

Psychic Vampires are apparently a thing now

You can fix anything with lasers

Arsehole law continues to treat human beings like shit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: parents should set a good example to their kids

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newsflash: cigarettes are bad for you

UK still a nation of fatties 

Watching too much pornography makes men think less good

People stop watching shit TV show

Nudes in brief: Scout Willis

Russia/Ukraine situation still ‘very hairy’

PM suggests stoning people to death is a ‘Very Bad Idea’

Medieval morality’s bodycount continues to mount

Thousands gather for decent human being’s funeral

Technical fault leads to incurable case of vertigo

Secret-keepers decide the public can have the gist of the truth

Lying filthy fuck-face found guilty of being a dirty lying fuck-faced bell-end

Customer services tells it like it is

North Korea ‘not as shit as you think’

Aliens probably not invading Solihull

French master the art of back-heeling

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 27th May 2015

The news in brief:

Public service announcement: daring each other to chug paracetemol is really, really fucking stupid

Woman does the job we pay her for

Britain enjoys a bit of pomp and ceremony

Internet breaths a sigh of relied as PM doesn’t declare Great Britain the first Galactic Empire (Still no word on that wiping out the Jedi thing though…)

‘Soul-sucking dementor wasps’ need to fire their PR guy

Breaking news: app not to blame for your irresponsibility

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Turns out ‘a magical sky-wizard did it’ isn’t a science

Study states the obvious: vegetables are good for you

Bus breaks shit record

Religions bodycount continues to mount

FIFA execs in a bit of bother

Apparently gross-misconduct isn’t a sackable offence

Minor administration error inexplicably newsworthy

Ironic product placement is not news

Pizza fixes everything

Killer robots will rule the world

Apparently all men are rapists and are just waiting for the opportunity to strike

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch can dish it out but she can’t take it…

Science is fucking awesome: herpes will save us all!

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus (again)

And finally: salmon cannons are apparently a thing now

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 26th May 2015

The news in brief:

Republic of Ireland suggests that freedom is the right of all sentient beings – not just the straight ones

UK sucks at Eurovision

Woman is unbelievable bitch

U.S. / China relations downgraded from ‘amiable’ to ‘somewhat hairy’

Coffee will kill us all

Study states the obvious: water is good for you

Internet has opinions about woman’s life choices

PETA apparently has nothing better to do

Kids are dabbling with the occult (well, it’s better than drugs we suppose…)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

How many ‘shit winter-wonderland’ stories do we need before people take the hint?

First world problems

Politician tells it like it is

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Sky farms will save us all!

Noise pollution will kill us all!

Crazy dictatorship shenanigans

Global economy is pretty fucked

Meanwhile, country unveils giant gold statue of its god-like leader

Remember kids – if you touch your junk, your hand will get pregnant (in the afterlife)

Atheist can be fanatical twats too

Nudes in brief: Rosie Fortescue

And finally: Taylor Swift may or may not be She-Ra

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 15th May 2015

We always end the week with a look at the celebrity bullshit that somehow passes for news. The sharp-eyed amongst you will notice that it’s not Sunday today, but that’s because The news in brief is taking a well-deserved break for a few days. Basically, we’ll be back on Tuesday the 26^th May 2015, and until then, you’ll have to read your own goddamned news.

The news in brief 15^th May 2015:

Yeah, we know it’s the 16^th today, but we totally dropped the ball last night.  

Family spends time together

Woman updates social media

Woman wears nice clothes on plane

Woman wears dress

Cleavage is not news

Perving over a minor is somehow news

Breaking news: couple spends time together

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Stop the press: wind ruffles woman’s clothes

Telephoto lens strikes again

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Celebrity woman pops to the shops

Woman has legs

Look, it’s really not okay to body shame guys either

Grown woman insults vulnerable child

Actress dresses appropriately for the weather

Dad caught spending time with child

Actress has the sheer audacity to go outside without wearing make-up

Outrage: woman wears comfortable clothes

Nudes in brief: Paris Hilton

And finally: Actress doesn’t look like character she plays 24/7

Reading what could generously be referred to as ‘news’ so you don’t have to…