The news in brief 30th January 2015

The news in brief:

Miracle babies survive terrible tragedy  

New dinosaur needs to wind its neck in

Lego unveils its plan to bankrupt nerds everywhere

Study suggest wine is good for you this week

Engineers design expensive, short-term solution for human misery

Product placement is NOT news

Novelty graphs are NOT news

Medieval justice system executes the mentally handicapped

Good news: the wage gap between men and women is closing

Bad news: we’re all getting shafted

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Light dusting of snow brings United Kingdom to a grinding halt

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Mad suggestion: have you tried not speeding?

Economy a bit shit

Man’s inhumanity to chickens continues apace. Police suspect foul play…

Health and safety: 1 - human decency: 0

Spoilsports ruin winter for everyone

Indistinct white dot probably not a UFO

Time may in fact not be a ball of wibbly, wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, but instead a linear progression of cause and effect

Universe is barren and lifeless. After the ‘future is predetermined’ stuff, this is some pretty bleak shit…  

Nudes in brief: everyone is oddly clothed today. Does a bit of shoulder count?!

And finally: abused baby orang-utan is rescued, re-homed and happily eating fruit

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

 

The news in brief 29th January 2015

A blog post from the archives:


The news in brief 12th November 2013:

Home Office a bit heavy handed

Tabloid exploits misery to sell papers

Met Office saves the day

Diana Watch, day 64: dog named after Lady Diana. Lady Diana is still dead.

New mums bribed with Poundshop vouchers 

Apparently new mums need knock-off toys, duff batteries, dried up felt tips and twelve packs of lighters

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Shock: consenting adult gets tattoo

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Woman dresses for the weather

IMMIGRANT MENACE!

Stop the press: Law applied fairly

Business makes money

Animal testing uses animals

Hilariously offensive t-shirts hilariously offensive

Horrific pricks: 5

Nudes in brief: David Beckham

Roomba commits suicide

Miley Watch: 40% covered

Woman wears skirt

People attend birthday party

Attention seeking hyperbitch finally silenced

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 28th January 2015

The news in brief:

Zombie cat returns from beyond the grave

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Product placement masquerading as news

Now if someone steals your phone, they can steal your house as well as your identity

Photographer has balls of steel

Study states the obvious: sugary cereals are full of sugar

Weather entirely typical for January

Dude is totally amazing at his job

Terrorists spread hate in 140 characters or less

Newspaper not quite sure how Lent works…

Media’s narrow definition of beauty is an ever-changing thing

Busybodies have far too much time on their hands

Man literally rejected by the entire world

Greatest film of all time due unnecessary remake

Burglar totally wanted a sandwich

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy a bit shit

Apparently, common sense needs incentivising

Lipstick will kill us all!

Minor customer service failure reported as news

Social media indulges in some stunning hypocrisy

Supermarket totally regrets its free coffee idea  

Nudes in brief: Elena Perminova

And finally – good-natured train passengers show as that not everyone is a gigantic bellend

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 27th January 2015

The news in brief:

Wild speculation reported as fact

Quotation marks pretty much ‘replace’ the word allegedly…  

Weather not as wintery as expected

Facebook and Instagram hacked – Internet looses its freaking mind

How many skinny lattes, moustaches and thigh-gaps went undocumented

Boko Haram killed a whole bunch of people too – but apparently nobody gives a shit about that…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Dental mishap

Political correctness gone mad

Journalist wants to take away all our favourite words

In related news, we may have to stop bandying the word ‘horse-fucker’ around quite so casually

For the record – you totally shouldn’t have sex with horses

University is fucking expensive

Don’t believe everything you read

Weddings are getting out of hand

Pro tip: stop fucking about near trains

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch doesn’t quite understand taxes  

General public are judgemental bastards

Hallelujah, it’s a raining fish

Giant Stig

Pornography will kill us all

Nudes in brief: Emma McVey

And finally: 70 years ago, man’s inhumanity to man was unfathomable. I hope we never forget….

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 26th January 2015

The news in brief:

Political party doesn’t quite get economics

Cyclist says #sorrynotsorry

MPs agree ruining national parks might be a Bad Idea

Fracking will kill us all

Fracking will save us all

Man’s inhumanity continues apace

Church acknowledges that women may in fact be people

Asshole begs to differ

Wine thief not a huge fan

Popular people will kill us all

Attack of the drones

Study states the obvious: northerners do best fried breakfast

Turns out it wasn’t GCHQ on the phone…

Weather to turn very wintery

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Big-wig’s wig snags big fig (very proud of that one…)

Army suggests that gays may in fact be people too

Coffee and carbs are good for you! (get them in before they change their minds again!)

Pro tip: probably best to not ignore the tickets

Slip of the tongue leads to moral outrage

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

  

And finally: woman donates her womb to her infertile best friend – showing that not all human being are gigantic, selfish fuck-faces.

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The news in brief 25th January 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking news: Taylor Swift is not a clone

Miss Universe competition suspiciously earth-centric

Some shit happened in the Big Brother house

Couple’s relationship status is somehow our business

Woman judges herself by the media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears swimwear – at the beach!

Outfits are not remotely similar

Telephoto lens captures private moment

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Model shows up all those slobs who fly in comfortable clothes

Woman wears dress

Man pops to the shops

Model models

Newspaper approves of woman’s size

Model has the cheek to wear a coat – in winter and everything!

Photographer snaps woman who clearly wants to be left the fuck alone

Newspaper prints picture of woman who clearly wants to be left the fuck alone

Media clearly can’t take the fucking hint

Actress shows off her gravity distorting powers (and her knickers)

Woman updates social media

Stop the press – woman’s blouse doesn’t quite touch her waistband when she reaches up!

Nudes in brief: Perez Hilton

And finally: actress does something totally worthwhile – but apparently not as important as who’s wearing what and who’s fucking who…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 23rd January 2015

The news in brief:

Bureaucracy: 1- human decency: 0

Bastard hackers are bastards

Awesome hackers are awesome

Slippery slope argument apparently not a logical fallacy when it works in your favour…

I have a three hour commute every day – turns out there are excuses after all

$350,000 40-tonne barbecue probably doesn’t help either…

Sexist dick gets owned by airline

Medieval mindset costs a woman her job

The Queen is number 1!

Logo designer has a lot of explaining to do

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: if you break an ancient relic, don’t try and fix it with crazy glue…

Brave and stupid are not mutually exclusive

Revenge porn is sadly still a thing – and its practitioners are still gigantic bellends

Chocolate is bad for you (especially if you’re a bear)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Baby probably not the Second Coming…

Science is fucking awesome

Media wheels out another ‘tiny house is very small’ story

Minor customer service failure reported as news

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

And finally: $21,000 for a unique baby name?! We’ll grab a handful of Scrabble tiles for a lot less…  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…