The news in brief 4th August 1914

The news in brief: 

100 years ago, a lost generation of farmers and merchants and builders and labourers were forced to kill other farmers and merchants and builders and labourers in muddy fields in France because human beings couldn’t find a better way to settle their differences.

100 years later, innocent lights are being extinguished the world over in Ukraine, in Syria, in Gaza and in more places than I care to list, because human beings can’t find a better way to settle their differences.

No the news in brief tonight: just the solemn wish that one day the world will be able to live as one:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRhq-yO1KN8

The news in brief 3rd August 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Stop the press: paparazzi catches man SMOKING

Pregnant woman has the audacity to dress comfortably

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

Outrage: woman caught eating hamburger

Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Man not instantly good at new sport

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday

Shock: woman has hair extensions

Woman photographed and her cleavage discussed because two men were arguing over her on Twitter last week… how is this news?!

Man confused how you can be bisexual AND married

Woman wears dress

Woman has the cheek to go outside without her nails and make-up done

Man does job (but his clothes and hair and figure aren’t headline worthy, ‘cos you know, he’s a dude)

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Paparazzi intrudes on romantic day out

Woman’s sex-life none of your goddamned business

Mother takes child for a walk

Newsflash: woman has legs

Woman updates social media

Man fails to live up to media’s narrow definition of beauty (and they flat out call him names…)

Diana Watch 2014: probably still dead.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 1st August 2014

The news in brief:

United Kingdom endures rainiest day of August so far

Couple confuses human being for saleable commodity

Internet shows us that not all human beings are enormous thundercunts     

Giraffes: 0, Piss poor planning: 2

Science is fucking awesome

Humans are terrible people

Pro tip: ‘cease’ means ‘stop’ and ‘fire’ means ‘fire’

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Family plans holiday

Pope suggests we shouldn’t be dicks to each other

Ants probably not trying to communicate

Exclusive: turns out Big Brother is still on

School homophoneophobic

World’s fastest man surprises no-one

Tragic story of anorexia right next to stories of celebrity women half-naked and air brushed…

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian

Study suggests that we shouldn’t be dicks to each other

Nothing helps people with low self-esteem quite like being slammed in the media every fucking day

Russian teens know how to cool off

Man needs to be hunted down and flogged

Political correctness gone mad!!!!

Hermione tells it like it is

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 31st July 2014

The news in brief:

Happy birthday Harry Potter!

Theatre probably not haunted

Ebola not as contagious as you think

Stop the press: people using limited space effectively

Sunbather does look a bit like Katy Perry

Terrible films get sequels

News website still oversaturated with soccerball stories

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Woman forgets how to person

Man aged 111 passes away – newspaper could have used a different picture  

Priest probably a bit mental     

LEGO will kill us all

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

General consensus agrees that shelling civilians is a Very Bad Thing

Couple were clearly destined to be together

Woman really likes her job

Darwin award – oxygen is an accelerant

Crocodile just wanted to freshen up

Continental drift not news to anyone with GCSE in science

  

Nudes in brief: everyone seems to be dressed today. Does Miley Cyrus sideboob count?

Diana Watch 2014: still dead   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 29th July 2014

The news in brief:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not responsible for 9/11

Britain dodges ebola bullet

Newsflash: punching a kid half your age is NOT cool

Internet has upside down priorities

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Frivolous lawsuit

Minor customer service mishap blown out of all proportion

Outrage as rules are applied fairly

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Possibly hypothetical sky-wizard unavailable for comment

Pro tip: stay off the fucking railway tracks!

Child distressed by facts of life

£75.00?! The stuff falls out of the goddamned sky!   

Outrage as man has opinions about stuff

Twitter shits a kitten as celebrities oversimplify complicated situation

Black cats take rubbish selfies (apparently)

Thor expresses his opinion of pigs

News website still oversaturated with football stories

Weather due to become more autumn-ish over the next few months  

Terrible human being abuses power

Doctors told to practice what you preach – ‘cause you know, freedom and all that

Here’s a thought: menus not to blame – you are

Nudes in brief: Miranda Kerr (even though she has little-to-no reason to be pictured, let alone nude)

Diana Watch 2014: all signs point to dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th July 2014

The news in brief:

Ebola virus coming to kill us all

Internet doomsayers predict the end of mankind – at least that’s what I think they were saying – their spelling and grammar was really fucking bad!

Insane dictatorship has seen too many movies

Blogger has bigger balls than all of you

Study states the obvious: running is good for you

Child probably not the spawn of Satan

Toddler tanning salons apparently a thing now

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Badly worded sign causes a spot of outrage

Newspaper indulges in some straight-up bullying

Man clearly a kung-fu master

Minor customer services hiccup posing as news

Extra congestion charges seem a bit ‘cunty’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet crippled by sound logical reasoning

Dolphins are totally righteous dudes

Nudes in brief: Chloe Sims

Don’t feed the troll – it seems people will buy any old shit

Skinny dippers threatened with sex offenders register – still unclear if the ocean is pressing charges  

Medieval morality rears its ugly head again

Shock revelation: women are people too!  

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 27th and 28th July 2014 (plus free blog post)

The news in brief:

Usually liberal news outlet indulges in a spot of cyberbullying

Solar panels: you're doing it all wrong

Holy war declared against dogs?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Seriously - how hard is it to not kill people?

Fracking will save us all

Frivolous law suit  

Wet grass’s inhumanity to dogs continues apace

Totally rad scientists promote fistbumping for all the wrong reasons

Handshakes will kill us all (apparently)

BBC presenter surprises no-one

Basically the whole world is pretty hairy right now

Study states the obvious: dinosaurs might not have gone extinct if all of the conditions had been totally different

Fracking will kill us all

Dragonfly is fucking huge!

Terrible human being forgets how to parent

Diana Watch 2014: pretty sure she’s still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief celebrity special:

BBC unveils news reality phone-in show (yawn)

Reality TV show gets totally needless spin-off

Man doesn’t like working with other man

Wild speculation

Celebrity’s love life is apparently our business

Woman looks undignified on bouncy castle

Woman updates social media

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Singer proud owner of legs

Woman wears t-shirt

Pregnant woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Nudes in brief: Toni Garrn

Woman wears bikini whilst on HOLIDAY

High street guru not that good at job

Diana Watch 2014: yup. still dead    

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to….

A bonus blog post from the archives:

Child abusers can send things to each other through the post. Royal Mail should monitor all of our post and face fines and legal action if anything gets through... wait that's crazy talk. So why are ISPs and search engines facing this backwardness? Child abusers wouldn't put their filth in a brown package labelled 'child abuse' and drop it off at the post office. If it were me I'd bundle it in a stack of old comics and not label it at all. This applies to the Internet too. These filth wizards aren't going to type 'Child abuse images' into Bing (mostly because no-one uses Bing) They're going to save their file names as meaningless alphanumeric chains and share them peer to peer through a goddamned pottery chat room. Blocking search terms and stopping perfectly legal pornography isn't going to do shit other than criminalise legitimate researchers and make me tell Virgin Media when I fancy a quick knuckle shuffle to some downstairs mixup. To stop child abuse on the Internet we need to go offline and the police need to take out the sick fucks with the cameras. There is a sad real world component to child abuse and by the time it's on the Internet there's already a vulnerable human being scarred for life. Making Bing and Google responsible means it's already too late.

Raving about the news so you don’t have to…