The news in brief 1st July 2014

The news in brief:

Hand model has surprisingly pretty face

Exclusive: human beings are twats

Woman being comfortable in her skin SHOULD NOT BE NEWS!

Daniel Radcliffe is not actually Harry Potter

Man quite good at tennis

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Medieval morality has left baby disabled

Singer clearly doesn’t understand how Twitter works

Article suggests that if don’t like Facebook, you don’t actually have to use it

Man proves that not all human beings are irredeemable pricks

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

People continue to murder each other in invisible sky wizard’s name

High Street store restores grumpy news pundit’s faith in humanity   

Man basically writes his own P45

Breaking news: hot drinks are hot  

Thing is, I’d sue McDonalds if the hot chocolate was cold…

Mad suggestion that everyone has to play by the same rules

Boy genius is smarter than you

Police a bit heavy-handed

Study states the obvious: contraceptive pills stop you getting pregnant

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

Pro tip: whales are really big

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

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The news in brief 30th June 2014

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: intimacy is good for your marriage

Microwaves will kill us all

Richie apparently a hard name to spell

News outlet indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Man who should know better convicted of Very Bad Things

Operation Yewtree turns its attention on Great Uncle Bulgaria, Bungle, Mr Benn and Paddington Bear

Study suggests we eat too fucking much (or suggested serving sizes are too fucking small)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Doctors debate removing your free-will altogether

Giant jellyfish!!!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man says very sorry

Bunch of absolute tosspot wankers forget how to person

Breadfruit will save us all

Crazy whack-job gets some public money  

Pot calls kettle black

Fizzy drinks will kill us all

Most of the world still pretty hairy

Deadly terrorists portrayed as 80s cartoon supervillains

Terrible person gets what she wants after all

Festival goers are filthy bastards

Local council criminalises childhood

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

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The news in brief 29th June 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Pianist says what we’re all thinking

Footballer has tasty shoulder

Dinobots smash cinema good

Man passes gas

Very pregnant woman plans maternity leave

Man goes to popular festival

Woman gets tattoo

Paparazzi catches couple kissing IN PUBLIC!

Man has lunch

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Photographers catch actress eating

Performer performs performance

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Shocker: couple celebrates birthday – together!

Child of celebrity ages at astonishing rate of one second per second

Idle speculation about actor’s personal life

Outrage: festival attendee has the audacity to not straighten her hair

Reality TV star acts like a cunt, surprising no-one

Nudes in brief: Orlando Bloom

Newspaper approves of woman’s outfit

Newspaper disapproves of woman’s outfit

Skanky unmade bed for sale

Diana Watch 2014: she pays correct amount of taxes on her assets. Still dead.

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The news in brief 28th June 2014

The news in brief exclusive:

Dracula ‘tripped, fell and landed teeth-first’ onto the throat of that virgin girl, leaving a ‘small bruise’ on his cheek and a ‘strong pain in his fangs.’   

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The news in brief 26th June 2014

The news in brief:

Fruit juice will kill us all

Soft drinks will kill us all

Television will kill us all

But remember - sitting on a sofa for four hours reading is a-okay

Christmas is coming - here's the toys your kids 'need'

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Nanny state strikes again

Study suggests water is good for you

MP wants to read your emails

Organisation performs its basic function

The energy market will kill us all

Minor inconvenience reported as news

Iraq situation pretty fucking bad

South Sudan situation pretty hairy

Nigerian situation still pretty hairy

Ukraine situation still pretty fucking hairy

Basically the whole fucking planet is going to hell in a handbasket

Unsubstantiatable claims reported as fact

Compensation culture ruins another life

Shock: woman quite fond of her sister

Have you tried not raping people?!

The bees have totally got this covered

Nudes in brief: Abbey Clancy

Diana Watch 2014: shoe horned into another news story. Still dead.

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The news in brief 25th June 2014

The news in brief:

Dictator doesn't quite get free speech

Gollum-like monster probably not Gollum

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Fraudulent letters pretty fucking funny

Whimsical children's toys deemed antisocial

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Nigeria situation pretty fucking bad

Taking the law into your own hands 'generally frowned upon'

Subtitles get a bit rapey 

Direct Debit guarantee not that hard to understand

Furby goes off the rails

Nudes in brief: Lea Michele

Diana Watch 2014: 'still' dead

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The news in brief 24th June 2014

The news in brief:

Beaurocracy: 1, Common sense: 0

Medieval justice system has wicked sense of humour

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Someone's been very naughty

PM very, very sorry

Shock: not everyone likes football

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man photobombs the queen

Kids are hilarious

Controversial sportsman is controversial

'Ceasefire' apparently a difficult concept

Ukraine situation still pretty hairy

Nigerian situation still pretty hairy

Hover cars set to be a thing

Study states the obvious: smoking is bad for you

Research suggests cannabis probably not good for you

Hollywood decides to make 'beauty' even more unattainable

Turns out McDonald's is *not* an emergency

England not so good at the ol' fußball

Queen misses perfect photo op

Gigantic thundercunt forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Ryan Seacrest

Diana Watch 2014: still 'dead'

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