The news in brief 9th January 2016

Today's news in brief:

What a week it’s been! In the last few days we’ve had:

A lone wolf terrorist shoots at a cop in America

Knifeman attacks police station in France

Gunplay in McDonald’s carpark

Gang rapes in Germany

Mass shooting in Egypt

Missing family found buried in a garden

Meanwhile a man who models himself on the Emperor from Star Wars run for government

You try making jokes about that! I mean, we’re a pair of funny fuckers but there are goddamned limits.But then God loves a tryer so here goes:

China tears down its Megazord

Newspaper reinforces regional stereotypes

Railway enthusiasts somewhat excited

Film does really fucking well

Record breaking game of hide-and-seek finally ended

Mad suggestion that we could drop food instead of bombs sometimes

Online petition to end online petitions is a thing. And it’s wonderful

Doctor forgets how to person

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Anonymous cunts abuse their Internet privileges

Internet doesn’t understand false economy

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: adorable baby is adorable... 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 7th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

It was inevitable really...

The news in brief 6th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Government continues to sell off your stuff

Affordable housing is for wusses says MPs

Presidential candidate no longer funny

Correspondents medically incapable of reading the article

Funny how there's not enough money for food, but there is enough money for terrifying megaweapons

Breaking news: it's probably all lies

More scaremongering bullshit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Horrible woman forgets how to person

North East of England continues to be a tiny bit wet

Wintery weather forecast until at least spring

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

German PM has suspicious package (sorry)

God determined to stop wedding

BBC calls MP a hunt

LOTTERY FEVER!!!  

Hunters, woodsman and outdoorsmen ‘threatened' with power cut…

Study states the obvious: peering into your petrol tank with a lighter is a Very Bad Idea

Stop sharing clickbait you gullible buttguffs

Nudes in brief: Vicky Pattison

And finally: great news - black pudding is a superfood!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

The past was pretty shit for a lot of people

The Internet is actually pretty useful

Thoroughly British man makes the best of it

Scaremongering bullshit masquerading as news

Breaking news: dogs probably wouldn’t wear trousers

Mad suggestions that guns kill people and some people shouldn’t have them

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

People act like bellends on the Internet

Pro tip: freedom of speech means sometimes hearing things you don’t agree with

Religion’s bodycount too legit to quit

Crazy idea that we shouldn’t be friends with medieval barbarians

Victim blaming is NOT news

Economy still pretty naff

Giant statue not at all insensitive…

Rey left her merchandise in a galaxy far, far away  

North East of England somewhat moist

Woman’s bionic eye is pretty fucking unreal

Turns out people enjoy spanking

Nudes in brief: Charlize Theron

And finally: one-eyed cat is way cooler than you

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 4th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

General public fails to grasp the difference between ‘not condoning,’ and ‘shouting abuse at strangers in the street’

Not really sure what else the airstrip might have been for…

Mad suggestion that the law applies to everyone equally

Pro tip: you can save the planet without being a dick about it

Terrorist group moves from villainy to cartoon supervillainy

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Irony apparently lost on MPs

Periodic table now even harder to memorise

Economy pretty fucked

Public transport nightmare as miserable fuckers drag themselves back to work

Billionaire straight-up plans to build Skynet

Dummy spitter says sorry like a big boy

Study states the obvious: education somewhat important

Racial double-standards

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Crazy evil genius set to conquer mankind

Copenhagen is too hardcore for Facebook   

Thieves were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off

Scooter prick

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: Tom Daley’s pan is pretty metal   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd January 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Beloved childhood legend comes back to life and dies all over again. Again.

Cleavage is not news

Parent displays normal parent-like behavior

Paparazzi behaviour bordering on stalker-y

Media intrudes on private moment

Woman wears clothes appropriate for activity

Man updates social media

Wild speculation

Woman wears bikini

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Model fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Man’s breakdown inexplicably our business

Woman wears dress

Friends caught spending time together

Breaking news: family caught spending time together

Hat somehow newsworthy

Princess clearly not ‘wrestling' with suitcase

Leave the man alone - he’s probably trying to buy a fucking bookcase

Man pops to the shop

Stars in their bras: Abi Titmuss

And finally: whose whole job is it to follow famous people around, poised with a camera, just in case a nipple pops out…?!

Reading what can only generously be called news, so you don't have to…

The news in brief 1st January 2016

Today's news in brief:

For crying out loud, you disgusting sacks of meat; can't you go one day - one fucking day - without gunning each other down?!

Happy new year.