The news in brief 23rd January 2015

The news in brief:

Bureaucracy: 1- human decency: 0

Bastard hackers are bastards

Awesome hackers are awesome

Slippery slope argument apparently not a logical fallacy when it works in your favour…

I have a three hour commute every day – turns out there are excuses after all

$350,000 40-tonne barbecue probably doesn’t help either…

Sexist dick gets owned by airline

Medieval mindset costs a woman her job

The Queen is number 1!

Logo designer has a lot of explaining to do

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: if you break an ancient relic, don’t try and fix it with crazy glue…

Brave and stupid are not mutually exclusive

Revenge porn is sadly still a thing – and its practitioners are still gigantic bellends

Chocolate is bad for you (especially if you’re a bear)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Baby probably not the Second Coming…

Science is fucking awesome

Media wheels out another ‘tiny house is very small’ story

Minor customer service failure reported as news

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

And finally: $21,000 for a unique baby name?! We’ll grab a handful of Scrabble tiles for a lot less…  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…      

The news in brief 22nd January 2015

A blog post from the archives:

The news in brief 23rd October 2013:

Newspaper spreads racial intolerance

British public already made up its mind about ethnic group it just learned about

Arachnid invasion!

No you-know-who stories today

Pretty baker is pretty smart too

Baby christened

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bigoted police might be a touch overzealous

Family thankful to Watson and Crick

Stuff in space is pretty far away

Christened child has god parents

Deplorable horsefucker count: 7

Apparently people's tweets count as news now

Diana Watch, day 45: still 'dead'

Hypersensitive airbags scupper cars

MPs make knee-jerk decisions

Paparazzi intrudes on father/son moment

Paparazzi intrudes on mother/daughter moment

Model whores it up a bit

Reading the news so you don't have to... 

The news in brief 21st January 2015

The news in brief:

Ladies: beware your shambolic downstairs

Pro tip: vaginas are a self-cleaning organ

Breaking news: onions are a foodstuff

Just so you know – steam cleaners are intended for kitchen floors, not your cootchie-snorcher  

Whatever Philip Schofield is paid – it’s not enough

In other news… penises are pretty heard to break

Politician takes a leaf out of the Nazi playbook

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Good news: science has decided that coffee is good for you!

There’s probably not a time-hole at the centre of the Milky Way

Potential employers don’t actually read you CV

Printing error ruins woman’s day

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Doomsday clock is on the move again

UK infrastructure struggles with winter – despite it happening this time every year

Scientists have decided that sunshine is now good for you (do try to keep up)

Hilarious misprint is not actually news

Woman learns that hard way not to be a cunt

Chances are your password is shit

Security guard didn’t get the ‘it’s not 1755 any more, asshole’ memo

Man inexplicably not dead

Nudes in brief: Dakota Johnson

And finally: UFO photobombs the International Space Station  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 20th January 2015

The news in brief:

Singer is even blunter than The news in brief…

Degenerate thug is new contender for cunt of the year

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

General public are judgemental bastards

Mother is pretty fucking old

Controversial film is controversial

Muffin does look quite a bit like a hamster

Study states the obvious: shoplifting on the rise during extended period of benefit cuts and wage freezes  

Calm down lads: page 3 is still right there between page 2 and page 4 – we checked!

Strong-minded, confident, well-paid women suddenly out of work

Old woman has more money than you

Flat is really fucking expensive

Politician is literally full of shit

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Mega-fan unveils The hobbit in brief

Thief not very good and thieving

School’s priorities are pretty skewed

Exactly how long has a short-back-and-sides been inappropriate hair for school?!  

Google/Skynet unveils its first Terminator

Having a lie-in will kill us all

Doctor forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Kelly Bensimon

And finally: study recommends telling your boss exactly where they can shove it

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 19th January 2015

The news in brief:

Internet looses its shit over children’s program

Despite knowing all those big clever words, QCs struggle with ‘fictional’

We’re not sure if she’s in the running for cunt of the year, but mum sure is pushy

Protocol droid can go fuck himself

Pope suggests ‘over her tits’ not the same as ‘spilled on the ground’

These may not have been his exact words – the editor

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Little girl says what we’re all thinking

Pen lid, jelly baby and cake-topper tell it like it is

Singer calls bullshit on hypocrisy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

NHS a bit shit

Surgeon shows us that not everyone is a gigantic bellend

Aeroplane a bit minging like

Sport enforces its medieval rules

Council prepares to patronise benefits claimants

Weather to remain ‘wintery’ until at least spring

Newspaper needs to spell check its headlines…

Study states the obvious: it’s grim up North

Two-legged dog totally NOT a kangaroo

Product placement masquerading as news

No manners? Don’t worry – there’s an app for that…

Nudes in brief: Amy Willerton

And finally: possum due a mammoth shit (unless of course it was put down)    

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The news in brief 18th January 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

‘Peace on Earth and goodwill to all mankind’ apparently a hard concept

Woman updates social media

Pay attention: an actual example of a ‘pregnant woman showing off her bump’

Photographers intrude on couple’s romantic evening

Woman wears dress

Actress dresses appropriately for the weather

Poncho is pretty fucking expensive

Telephoto lens captures intimate moment

Couple sex life is inexplicably news

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Stop the press: celebrity can afford a pretty expensive house

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s outfit

Breaking news: man wears scarf

Much like thousands of others this week, couple gets married

Elderly woman wears hat

Woman has the audacity to pop the shops without doing her make-up

Idle speculation: celebrity’s wife may or may not be pregnant  

Newspaper seemingly obsessed with actor’s kids

Soap storyline set to be ‘traumatic’ and ‘unrealistic’

Some shit happened in a house. No-one cared.

Pregnant woman probably not ‘hiding her bump’ and probably just ‘carrying a bag’

Woman doesn’t dress for the weather

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Nudes in brief: Kelly Brook

And finally: photographer catches man reading – like a book and everything!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Stop the press: it's only fucking snowing!