The news in brief 8th January 2015

The news in brief:

The news is still dominated by the cowardly, callous, barbaric murders in France and there's nothing funny about that.

But on a lighter note, Bill Gates has invented a machine that turns shit into electricity and clean drinking water and that's fucking cool.

So whilst there are screaming fanatics working hard to drive us back into the stone age, there are others working to make the world better.

Done give up on us.

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The news in brief 7th January 2015

The news in brief:

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

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The news in brief 6th January 2015

The news in brief:

Sorry, my husky brethren, but basically there’s a list of types of people and as soon as it becomes a hate crime to pick on one, the media moves on to the next…

Poor people are all litter louts

Correctional facility forgets how to prison

Poor people only eat junk food

Space is really fucking big

Wintery weather due this January

Phone is really fucking expensive

Some people have more money than sense

The Walkman is back but you probably can’t afford one

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

So, social petworking is a thing now…

Hackers are at it again

Criminal bastards sell black market gateaux

Another contender for ‘cunt of the year’ enters the arena

What will you do with your leap-second?

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Hypnotist helps catch bad guy

BBC’s drinks tab is fucking huge

Economy still pretty shit

Pro tip: stop going to A&E for non-emergencies. The clue is in the fucking name!

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you   

Nudes in brief: Lindsay Lohan

And finally: we’re glad the lady’s feeling better, but she only had a hard time because people are heartless fucks who place far too much emphasis on the media’s narrow definition of beauty…  

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The news in brief 5th January 2015

The news in brief:

Actor really hates his son’s girlfriend

Economy still pretty shit

Aeroplane passengers have pretty crap day

Big Brother is apparently still a thing

Fuel prices suspiciously low

Mysterious dot probably not aliens

Terrorist doesn’t quite get Twitter

Council member wins ‘cunt of the year so far’ award

Even zealots need financial services…

Bureaucracy 1: common sense: 0

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: scarves keep you warm

Social media users may be a tiny bit gullible

Turns out all those old wives might have been right after all

Pro tip: space hoppers are not vehicles

Now you can have placebos for lunch   

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Some Germans aren’t too hot at history

Medieval morality claims even more lives  

Tattooing your own face with printer ink is generally NOT a good idea

Product placement masquerading as news

Ironic collision

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: Nazi cows try to kill owners  

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The news in brief 4th January 2015

Slight change to The news in brief’s publishing schedule. When we started this thing 18 months ago, we weren’t expecting anyone to still give a flying shit a year-and-a-half later. It turns out I need a break every once in a while and having a one-year-old totally doesn’t help.

The news in brief will publish its usual rundown of the day’s headlines on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursdays will be a funny infographic, blog post from the archives or link to something so fucked up it doesn’t need The news in brief’s loving caress – and Sundays will remain the ever-popular Celebrity Special.

    

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman updates social media

Couple dresses appropriately for the weather

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears hat

Telephoto lenses capture intimate moment

Woman wears beachwear – at the beach!

‘Parading her enviable figure’ or just ‘walking from point A to point B?’

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper has opinions about woman’s outfit

Photographer intrudes on family holiday

Woman wears bikini

Couple’s sex life inexplicably our business

Shock: woman goes for walk – on her own!

Stop the press: actress smokes cigarette

Actress wears snow boots – in the snow!

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Model pops to the shops

Mad suggestion, but if she’s ‘keeping a low profile,’ maybe you shouldn’t take her fucking photograph and post it on the fucking Internet?!

Singer is totally not sorry

Paparazzi intrudes on family time

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass

And finally: actor caught rehydrating immediately after exercise  

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The news in brief 2nd January 2015

The news in brief:

Hot coffee will kill us all

No more Netflix for you, insomniacs

General public struggles to understand thermodynamics

Don’t fuck about with drones

Cancer may just be bad luck

It’s still probably a good idea to look after yourself though…

TV news twists the police’s words

Arrr, there be treasure, me hearties!

Economy a bit less shit

Turns out the future is pretty fucking scary

Economy still pretty shit

Couple’s fashion-sense is apparently news now

Whole country forgets how to person

Chicken is pretty fucking expensive

Big business doesn’t know how to Twitter

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: having your heart broken sucks

Medieval morality continues to treat women like shit

Health and fucking safety not actually to blame

Pro-tip: petrol caps remains static relative to the driver

Scientist is an insensitive cock

Country might be a bit euthanasia-happy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Nudes in brief: Georgio Armani

And finally: stay the fuck out of the ebola tree!

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The news in brief 1st January 2015

The year in brief 2014:

January:

Only a matter of time before we're balls deep in burned-out caravans

Have you checked behind your sofa for Romanians?

February:

Winter Olympics too hot

Winter Olympics too cold

March:

Onions are a gateway drug

It turns out the tidal wave of Romanians and Bulgarians didn’t happen

April:

Being racist on Twitter is generally a Bad Idea

More racist horsefuckery crawls out of the woodwork

May:

Straight people continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Political party haven’t quite worked out how Twitter works

June:

Paparazzi catches woman eating yogurt

Basically the whole fucking planet is going to hell in a handbasket

July:

Laws of thermodynamics not that difficult to grasp

Whoever would have guessed that mutilating a young girl’s ladyparts should be illegal?!

August:

100 years ago, a lost generation of farmers and merchants and builders and labourers were forced to kill other farmers and merchants and builders and labourers in muddy fields in France because human beings couldn’t find a better way to settle their differences.

September:

The old “Great British Bake Off leads to increase in sales of baking goods” story is dusted off and wheeled out again for the fifth time. 

Random, nine-foot tall, mega-wang-having statue of Satan randomly appears in a park in Vancouver…

October:

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone on Earth

Pope suggests killing people is a Very Bad Thing

November:

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Kim Kardashian’s arse dominated the headlines

December:

Daniel Craig’s sweater

Fairy tale banned for 'historical inaccuracy'

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