The news in brief 7th November 2014

The news in brief 6th November 2014

The news in brief:

Look, we don't want to wade in on the whole Gays versus Bakery debate. People should be able to buy a cake without prejudice.  But at the same time, I can see why we shouldn't vilify an artist who turns down a commission that makes them uncomfortable. 
Still, something about this story does bother us:

Bert and Ernie are not gay.

Or if they are, they certainly aren't gay with each other. Mostly because it's a show for pre-schoolers and nobody is actually boning anybody.

Sesame Street is probably the most progressive children's show ever made. It's tackled being mixed race (remember the monster that was half Honker and half Dinger?), death, divorce and in one of its foreign iterations,  having HIV. It doesn't talk down and it doesn't hold back.

If Bert and Ernie were gay, they'd have had a wedding episode by now. (And not a gay wedding either, just a wedding,  because Sesame Street doesn't create division where none needs to exist). Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch would gave been groomsmen and Count von Count would have performed the ceremony:

'One! One ring!'
'Two! Two rings!'
'Mwa ha ha ha!'
*flash of lightning*

Admit it. You just did the voice in your head.

It would have been amazing and a solid two-fingers up at the small-minded fucknuts of this world who still think that two people who love each other shouldn't get married because there's one less vagina (or one too many) than their own standards of morality can handle.

But they're not: They're two dudes who share a house, share a bedroom, (but not beds, despite what Internet tries to tell you,) and are best friends.  It's a bromance.

I'm not so hot at baking but I can whip up a pretty neat Dumbledore cake, or a Willow and Tara if you like, or Chromedome and Rewind...

Reading the news so you don't have to... 

The news in brief 5th November 2014

The news in brief:

MP struggles to understand difficult concepts like ‘competition’ and ‘free market economy.’

People are less concerned about their energy bills

Ebola!

Minor administration error masquerading as news

Millions of obsessed fangirls’ hearts shattered into a billion pieces

Headteacher a bit heavy handed

People are more concerned about their energy bills

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Politics or Star Wars: Republicans take control of the Senate

Mad suggestion that gays are people too

Medieval justice system fails to recognise difference between ‘homosexual’ and ‘transgender.’

Pro tip: If a spider eats a person, it’s not cannibalism. If a spider eats a spider, it’s perfectly normal behaviour and not remotely news worthy. Just saying.

People act like cunts on the Internet

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace     

Old people go wild!

Terrible human beings forget how to person

Health and fucking safety

Bureaucracy: 1, Common sense: 0

Attack of the harmless, normal-sized ladybirds!

Media dictates what your kids want for Christmas this year

Google outright promises to build Skynet

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

And finally: The husky behind Kim Jong-Un is totally banging that cat…   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th November 2014

The news in brief:

Humanity continues its slow march towards Mutually Assured Destruction

Woooooo! Democracy!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Ebola!

Cereal Café sounds pretty fucking amazing

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

#Parklife!  

Exclusive: council jobsworths not interested in doing job

Study suggests that it’s okay for 13-year-olds to bump uglies… WTF?!

Worm nuggets sound pretty tasty to us

Attack of the vampire deer

Apparently shift work makes you stupid

Science is fucking awesome

Tribunal rules that people should be paid for work they don’t do?

Economy gets a bit more shit

Soap characters to return from beyond the grave

Medieval morality claims yet more lives

News wheels out another giant spider story

Seriously – 13 year olds should not be doing it with anyone – under any circumstances

Indistinct grey blur probably not a ghost

Lack of common sense in some stupid bellends means that everyone is penalised  

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

And finally: There’s no ‘and finally’ today. Instead we’re going to have a quiet minute to think about the poor man who had to turn off the life-support machines on his premature-born twins whilst his wife is still in a coma. We also hope that the neighbours who heard the intercom buzzing and didn’t get up and let the paramedics in have a hard time sleeping for a very, very long while. But hey, you weren’t expecting anyone…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 3rd November 2014

The news in brief:

Being short will kill us all! (well, maybe not us tall people)

Minor administrative error blown out of all proportions

Study states the obvious: fossil fuels are not a limitless resource

Pilot really needed a drink

Japan kicked Scotland’s arse (at whisky making, anyway)

Economy still a bit shit

Britain’s roads are pretty shitty too

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount  

£120,000 of tax payer money wasted on advice a five-year-old could give

Man takes job really fucking seriously

News website has opinions about not-so-sexy calendars

Media rolls out its annual X-Factor fix story

Outrage: businesses make money    

Human race goes mad for Pumpkin Spice latte

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

World Trade Centre re-opens for business

Ebola!

Newsflash: human beings come in a variety of shapes and sizes

What kind of dirty, twat-faced horse-fucker steals a charity tin?

Headline reads “Doctor who pocketed £29,000 in sick pay…” not “Doctor Who pocketed £29,000 in sick pay…” We totally read that wrong.

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: cats with moustaches (or should that be mouse-staches… troll lol lol lol)  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

 

   

The news in brief 2nd November 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Shock: two consenting adults share a quick kiss in a supermarket!

Couple goes outside together

Woman has abdominal muscles

Man’s clearly athletic physique apparently not worth mentioning

Newspaper disapproves of woman’s fashion choices

Paparazzi intrudes on private moment

Woman wears dress

Celebrity is voted off of reality television show

Celebrity is NOT voted off of reality television show

Woman updates social media

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Stop the press: mother caught parenting

Headline suggests woman is in the wrong for NOT wearing a sexy Halloween costume?!

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears clothes appropriate to the weather

Outrage: actress goes outside without wearing make up (how very dares she?!)

   

Newspaper approves of woman’s sexy Halloween costume

Footballer has wicked sense of humour

Maybe she wouldn’t have to cover her head with a blue jumper if newspapers stopped paying paparazzi for ‘woman walks through car park after eating out’ pictures. Arseholes.

Woman failed to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Jade Thirlwall

And finally: singer should have charged the spider rent…

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 1st November 2014

The news in brief:

We haven’t forgotten the Virgin Galactic story – we’re in this for the shits and giggles and there’s nothing funny about that.

Monopoly is NOT an accurate representation of real life

Man absconds with bank’s money

School rules a bit heavy-handed

News creates panic about routine activity

Newsflash: cartoons are NOT meant to be accurate representation of real life

Newspaper enjoys a bit of cyberbullying

Freedom is the right of all sentient being – except during the Poppy Appeal, apparently

Irony lost on commentators

News can’t make its mind up about the environment…

Pro tip: Looking like Hitler doesn’t actually make you like Hitler

Man’s inhumanity to kitty cats continues apace

Blurry shapes probably not a ghost

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount - and it’s not just the fatalities that are utterly tragic…

Ebola!

Labour promises to make politics more like Star Wars

Okay – meat is now good for you – get it in before they change their minds again

Study states the obvious: people generally like sex

Teaching a toddler to ‘twerk’ is probably not a Good Idea

Diana Watch 2014: royal writer dredges up stories about mother of two who died more than 17 years ago…   

Man seems destined to not make it across the ocean

Nudes in brief: Jodie Marsh (nearly)

And finally: what on earth made ‘clambering onto a dead whale’ seem like a good idea?

Reading the news so you don’t have to…