The news in brief 5th June 2014

The news in brief:

Man not wearing gorilla costume

Facts have literally spoiled a good story

New police car designed by five-year-old

Dying teenager demonstrates that not all humans are ignorant, bile-spewing hate-mongers

Hysteria: air pollution causes autism

Giant flying squirrel discovered

Study states the obvious: sheep are not goats

World leader a bit sexist

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

US looking for software that can identify irony

Turns out London is a JCB graveyard

Man struggles to throw ball

Man’s inhumanity to man shows no sign of stopping

Necronomicon found in Harvard University library

Animal abuse is neither funny or entertaining

Terrible human being forgets how to person

Man is ignorant, bile-spewing hate-monger

Minister tries to bribe the Scottish with fried food

Horrible bitch gets what’s coming to her

Have you tried not parking illegally?!

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’ 

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Breaking news

Breaking news: social experiment suggests human beings are horrible people

The news in brief 4th June 2014:

The news in brief:

Woman clearly passionate about ice cream

Fracking will save us all

Plastic bags cause a stir on the Internet

Fracking will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Queen carries out mostly ceremonial duty

Man tries to smuggle tyrannosaurus across the border

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Can a sniffer dog even identify a scent after 7 years?

Obama: master of diplomacy

Brazil prepares dystopian sci-fi army ready for the world cup

Article suggests that university not the same as school

Is David Cameron fracking under your house right now?

Hysteria: killer bees are coming!

‘Removing GCSE’ not the same as ‘not teaching it any more.’ People outraged anyway.

Three-parent babies poke the nation's moral outrage glands

Pro-tip: do not piss off someone driving a 14 ton vehicle

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

School rules a bit heavy handed

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Amazing graffiti is pretty amazing

House nothing like Hobbit Hole

Ignorance apparently a defence now?!

Diana Watch 2014: plans to her house found in journalist’s house. still dead.

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The news in brief 3rd June 2014

The news in brief:

Medieval justice system wants to snatch the kids too

Turns out guns do kill people

French PM will probably skip pudding

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pope states the obvious: cats are not children

Economic recovery a bit wank

18,000 inmates promise to behave

Biscuit Spread is a thing now

Giant octopus causes havoc in Oxford Circus

Study states the obvious: fat people have fat babies

Eggs are apparently a plant now

Newspaper not so hot at spell checking

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Hysteria!

The Internet will kill us all

Newspaper helpfully highlights illegal football pitch

Parents outraged by website's entirely hypothetical plans

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

New planet probably not all that Earth-like

Internet still not down with that whole ‘gays are people too’ jive

Blue light will kill us all

Miracle drug beats the shit out of cancer

Diana Watch 2014: someone hit on her in 1987. Still dead.

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The news in brief 2nd June 2014:

The news in brief:

Dairy products give you cancer

People like Star Wars

Dyson's design a bit like Google Glass (but rubbish at vacuuming)

Dairy products probably not linked to autism

Study states the obvious: children who eat vegetables eat vegetables

Eco-nutjobs at it again

Exclusive: football stadium kinda looks like a vagina

Religion chalks up another kill

Medieval justice system apologises for the confusion but they will be killing new mum

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Old man retires

Unverifiable allegations not being investigated by police

Bad parenting is bad

The Internet is going to kill us all (in a fortnight)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Don’t go to university – live at home until you can buy a house then get knocked up instead

77 year-old man tells it like it is

Straight people continue to ruin the sanctity of marriage

Sketch artists possibly a bit biased

Man fails at yacht

Pot calls kettle black

Marvel wishes it had thought of Goat Rider first

Nudes in brief: a literal boat load of potential Miss Englands

Remember: freedom is the right of all sentient beings. Unless you’re a woman and other women don’t agree

Diana Watch 2014:  Probably not psychic. Still dead.

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Breaking news

Breaking news: government would like to make it clear that it will not be releasing a living, breathing, thinking, feeling human being from prison for daring to believe in a slightly different invisible skywizard and any statements to the contrary were taken out of context…  

The news in brief 1st June 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Internet outraged because pop star used naughty word 3 years ago

Internet doesn’t care that naughty word dropped ten thousands times by rap stars since

Men go shirtless at the beach

Shock: straight males interested in women sexually

Being gay isn’t news

Recently married couple not smiling for the paparazzi

Photographers intrude on couple’s date

Comedian is neither footballer nor master of disguise

Family goes outside together

Woman wears bikini

Homeowner takes bins out

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Scandal: woman has breasts

Woman wears dress

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes

Cleavage is not news

Consenting adults allegedly perform legal act

Newspaper expresses concern that celebrity couple are still together

Woman wears dress  

Relatives share a slightly-greater-than-passing resemblance

Woman wears hat

Actress eats pastry

Woman has an oochie

Diana Watch 2014: couldn’t be fucked to check the Express. Assume dead.

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