The news in brief 18th February 2015

The news in brief:

Copernicus called: it turns out the Earth actually goes around the Sun.

Breaking news: lift, thrust and aerodynamics keep planes in the air

Internet still losing its shit over Star Wars

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Look, you shit-eating fuck-ends: ‘cease fire’ means you stop fucking shooting at each other…

Medical drones ready for fantastic voyage*  

Pro tip: don’t throw away priceless artefacts

In all fairness, live television is probably quite hard

Racist pricks caught on camera

Economy pretty shit

General public literally never satisfied

Let’s settle this once and for all – unless there’s a crust all the way around, it isn’t a fucking pie**

Don’t fuck about on roads

Religion’s bodycount continues apace

Study states the obvious: growing up sucks donkey balls

Media creates unrealistic expectations of beauty – and then picks on star who tries to keep up…

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Dead woman gets better (no word on the whip round…)

Best. Invitation. Ever  

Act of kindness restores faith in humanity

Health and fucking safety

Church surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Coleen Rooney 

And finally: not for the first time, The news in brief feels that Philip Schofield is not paid enough..

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

*For younger readers: medical drones ready for innerspace adventure

**Exceptions allowed for Shepherd’s/Fisherman’s/Cottage/Admiral’s Pie