The news in brief horoscope
special:
Today, we’re taking
two different newspapers and smashing their horoscopes together, just to see
what happens…
Aries: Don’t bite off more than you can chew, you busy
little beaver, you - but nothing can stop you today.
Libra: Cheer up Sourpuss, people don’t hate you - but you
need to crack on with your work.
Taurus: Time to get on with the boring bits of homeownership
- but you need a holiday first.
Scorpio: Man up,
loser – but you need to relax and unwind before you do.
Gemini: Doing good is its own reward, keep up it – but stop
spending money you don’t have.
Sagittarius: Everyone hates their boss. Pretend you don’t –
but it’s time to put your feet up first.
Cancer: You’re the best and most amazing person ever - but it’s
all about love today, so get it on!
Capricorn: Shut up and pay attention, you mouthy prick – but
put your feet up and unwind first.
Leo: Sharing is caring – but you did all the work so you deserve
to spoil yourself.
Aquarius: Stop spending money you don’t have – and stop
eating so much, fatty!
Virgo: Stop spending your partner’s money, – but it’s time
to smooch and spend money!
Pisces: Pull your head out of your arse, you selfish dick –
it’s time to talk about people’s emotional issues (wow that one kinda works!)
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
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