The news in brief:
Death ship coming for the UK
Jesus can't use iphone
Underground mishap
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Sudden outbreak of common sense
Uncomfortable truths are not popular opinion
70's Porn 'tash fools no-one
Bieber Watch 2014: drink driving
Bieber Watch 2014: drag racing
Bieber Watch 2014: driving without a license
Bieber Watch 2014: resisting arrest
Diana Watch 2014: none of the above
Historic pacifist suggests 'not fighting'
Study suggests fruit is good for you
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Kung-Fu granny
Woman in coma may not be fit for work
Lesbian not interested in men
Reading the news so you don't have to...
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