The news in brief 31st January 2014

The news in brief 'something-is-wrong-with-this' special: 

1 person is (questionably) suspected of dying from smoking a substance and the media goes ballistic

100,000 people are confirmed dead from smoking a substance and that's all okay (just so long as they're in plain brown packets)

Not advocating anything, just reading the news so you don't have to...



p.s: Diana's probably still dead 

The news in brief January 29th and 30th 2014

The news in brief: 

Child has ridiculous name 

Media's war against teachers continues

Bureaucrats take lunches from school children

Ironic Facebook post

Nudes in brief: Shakira and Rihanna 

Tweets not to be taken literally

The Internet is evil

Weather still wintery

Peanut allergy defeated - by peanuts

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Teachers can totally work more hours

Kids don't need to see their families

Shock as liberal opposes limit to personal freedom

Soft drink causes upset

Paparazzi don't know who everyone is

Survey states the obvious

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

Media reinforces gender stereotypes

Innocent man gets job

Minority (and totally awesome) subculture fights back

General public has no sense of humour

Breakfast is good for you

Paranoid ramblings presented as facts

78% of benefits claimants DON'T have a criminal record

Diana Watch 2014: still dead (crackpot theories not included)

Reading the news so you don't have to....


 

Breaking news

Breaking news: man doesn't understand supply and demand

The news in brief 28th January 2014

The news in brief:

Lucky student wins wasp

Woman makes poor life choice

One gran crime wave

Russian woman doesn't quite grasp liability laws

Economy a bit less shit


News of the World makes NSA look like amateurs

Google one step closer to becoming Skynet

Fictional man's clothes are news now

GCHQ checks Facebook

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Study suggest food is bad for you

Diana Watch 2014: 'still dead' 

Nudes in brief: Sienna Miller

Study suggest sleep is good for you

Religion's bodycount continues to mount 

Remember - you can't be sexy AND a good role model

Massive boat! 

You-know-who still missing

Pope is pretty cool

Comedian tells joke

Reading the news so you don't have to...  





 

The news in brief 27th January 2014

The news in brief 

Ex lover has disproportionate reaction 

Won't somebody think of the kidney?!

Birds clearly get irony

Watch out, Eagles about

Diana Watch 2014: uneducated. and dead

Panellist suggests newspaper is full of shit

Rich person owns old house

Newspaper not so hot at spelling

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Public outcry at minor inconvenience

People outraged as bank does as it's told

General public are screaming banshees

MPs don't know if it's a good idea (let's give it a whirl anyway)

Mouthwash will kill you (suggests study of 19 people) 

Everything in your home is trying to kill you

MEP commits career suicide 

Tragic case condensed into misleading and sensationalised headline 

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

Parent blames mobile provider DESPITE HUNDREDS OF THESE FUCKING STORIES!

17, 18, 19 and 20 year olds are NOT children

Reading the news so you don't have to...

 

The news in brief 26th January 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:


Woman wears blue

Skating is news now

Woman buys knickers

Couple KISSES in public!

Man says something offensive on the Internet

Clothes were shit in the 90s

Woman has legs AND shorts

Humans enjoy coffee AT THE SAME TABLE

Woman wears knickers

Child in a whole bunch of trouble

Massive bellend has sense of humour

Woman goes to the shops

Celebrity acts like massive prick

Singers makes music video

Woman is a redhead now

Someone I never heard of has cosmetic surgery

Man wears casual shirt

Woman gets a bit chilly IN WINTER

Singer dresses like a whore

There are boobs everywhere

Reading the 'news' so you don't have to... 


 

The news in brief 25th January 2014

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2545770/New-book-claims-THIS-picture-proves-Hitler-escaped-Berlin-bunker-died-South-America-1984-aged-95.html

Enjoy.

The news in brief 24th January 2014:

The news in brief:

Criminal lingerie caught red handed

Celebrities: put your tits away

Police brutality

Dinosaurs are not people

Questionable life-choice ends badly

Minimum wage is apparently a hard concept to understand

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Opposition party performs its basic function

Medieval morality condemns sick person

Canada offends Scotland and the taste-bud impaired

Council censors art (in case it offends the almighty Space Ghost)

The news has forgotten fracking and badgers again

Campaigner doesn't understand the Internet 

Diana Watch 2014: still 'dead'

Parents be dumb, yo

Anonymous trolls on the Internet can't be trusted

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

Britain needs more guns!

Nudes in brief: Abbey Clancy

Cinema apologises on behalf of nature

False widow spiders are back!

Fanatics live up to stereotype

Reading the news so you don't have to... 





 

   



 

The news in brief 23rd January 2014

The news in brief: 

Death ship coming for the UK 

Jesus can't use iphone

Underground mishap 

Religion's bodycount continues to mount 

Sudden outbreak of common sense 

Uncomfortable truths are not popular opinion

70's Porn 'tash fools no-one 

Bieber Watch 2014: drink driving

Bieber Watch 2014: drag racing 

Bieber Watch 2014: driving without a license 

Bieber Watch 2014: resisting arrest 

Diana Watch 2014: none of the above 

Historic pacifist suggests 'not fighting' 

Study suggests fruit is good for you 

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

Kung-Fu granny

Woman in coma may not be fit for work      

  

Lesbian not interested in men 

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 22nd January 2014

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount - with no signs of stopping any time soon

People do their jobs well

Unemployment rates a bit less shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace - and even children aren't exempt

Bad parent is bad 

Celebrity flesh is news now

School fines are a tad heavy handed

Darwin award! 

Newspaper headline contains tautology

Breaking someone's legs IS pretty excessive

Self-esteem to blame for everything

Road has ironic name

Judge apparently unaware of irony

Diana Watch 2014: she's written a book now, apparently 

CBB: filth, filth, filth, FILTH! 

Nation outraged as man states the obvious

Men from Sunderland kick ball good  

Reading the news so you don't have to...


 

Breaking news

Breaking news: First China has a clone factory, now the US thinks about a robot army. Things are getting a bit too Star Wars-y.

The news in brief 21st January 2014

The news in brief:

Transformer with chair alt-mode sparks outrage

Old woman is a bitch

Working nights sucks

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

UK economy a bit less shit than yours

People make sensible life choices in difficult economic climate

Everyone likes cheese

Greedy bosses to blame for bad weather

Racial stereotyping a-go-go

Thieving monster vilified

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

CBB: won't somebody think of the children!

Stealth fish! 

29 year-old bloke acts like 29 year-old bloke

Awesome kids shoot for the moon

Space is fucking cool

Katy Perry's cleavage is news now

Economic secretary states the obvious

Footballer not just scratching his arm

Diana Watch 2014: Kate is NOT Diana (glad we settled that, then)

Old people just need to defragment

Reading the news so you don't have to...    

The news in brief 20th January 2014

The news in brief: 

Great British public doesn't need evidence or a trial to know someone's guilty

Spoof news account shows The news in brief how it's done :(

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Panellist suggest that no woman has ever committed a crime - ever

Humans act like monsters for their skywizards

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

Panellist suggests that all men are rapists and want to hurt you

Space is fucking awesome

Shock: too much caffeine and sugar is bad for you

Brazil ruins the sanctity of marriage for the rest of us

6 people is statistically significant apparently...

Wild animal eats a wild animal

Diana Watch 2014: she be dead yo

Boat is expensive

Cool Runnings was a great film

Fictional character dies

CBB: someone I never heard of is sleeping with someone else I never head of...

Economy a bit less shit

Singer says a naughty word

Unidentified flying object is unidentified

 Reading the news so you don't have to...








    

The news in brief extra:

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2542093/Smoking-drinking-pregnancy-increase-chances-baby-gay-claims-professor.html

Enjoy. 

 

The news in brief 19th January 2014

The news in brief exclusive:

After a UKIP member's suggestion that gay marriage is the root cause of all the bad weather we've been having, The news in brief team have carried out "extensive research" into what else gay marriage might be responsible for:    


Earthquakes

Smallpox

Forest fires

Rabies

Zombie apocalypses

Stable home environments

Wasps

Mumm-Ra

Well-rounded children 

The fall of Rome 

The Autobot/Decepticon War

Strong, loving relationships

The Dalek Empire 

Global warming

Hurricanes

The hole in the ozone layer

Joint financial responsibility

Teenage pregnancy

John Wilkes Booth

More weddings (people love weddings)

Batman Forever

The murder of officer Alex Murphy

Reading the news, so you don't have to.... 

  

The news in brief 18th January 2014

The news in brief horoscope special: 

(and never let it be said that The news in brief is not an equal opportunities aggressor)

Rat: Trust your instincts and shoot for the moon. Be nice to you friends but don't let them take advantage. 

Ox: Be flexible and be prepared to work harder than ever before. Take advantage of your friends.

Tiger: People suck. Fuck 'em.

Rabbit: You will get both good and bad news over the next year. Be prepared to kiss arse to get places.

Dragon: Trust your instincts and be prepared to work harder than ever before. Don't let new friends take advantage.

Snake: Basically, whatever we said for Dragons pretty much applies to you Slitherins too

Horse: Think before you act. Don't let new friends take advantage.

Sheep: Fabulous secret powers will be revealed to you the day you hold aloft your magic sword and say...

Monkey:  Trust your instincts and be prepared to work harder than ever before. Try not to spend any money.

Rooster: Trust your instincts and shoot for the moon. Don't forget about your friends

Dog: Your year is going to be shit. Best give up now.

Pig: Don't expect to much of the next twelve month. Just be grateful you're not a dog. 

Reading the news so you don't have to... 



 

Exclusive news

Exclusive news: racist bigots not so hot with the spelling and grammar

Breaking news

Breaking news: Russian PM says 'oi, homosexuals, leave those kids alone.'

The news in brief 17th January 2014

The news in brief:

Mainstream media can't be arsed to spellcheck

Horrific execution described in great detail (complete with typos)

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Small businesses prepare to get shafted

The English are quite good at acting

Man has worst. sister. ever.

Religion's bodycount remains static... oh no, wait, there's been a bombing :(

Backheeling a crisis to your grandkids is not the same as 'solving'

For one old soldier, the war is finally over

Study proves what cat owners everywhere already know

Big store makes tasteless decision

Government agency does its job 

Diana Watch 2014: all signs point to 'still dead'

Future PM promises to lower share price of public owned business 

US military has that gun from Fifth Element (kinda)

Study proves what kids everywhere already know 

Women need to focus on careers AND have babies whilst they're young

Study proves what new parents everywhere already know

Polish MP says stop talking smack about my people; you lazy, fat bastards 

Kids don't play outside anymore 

The news in brief team stops being terrible people for a few seconds to wish that missing 3 year old is found safe and well

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: The Netherlands are so much better at everything than you

The news in brief 15th January 2015

The news in brief: 

Woman admits to not liking the taste of her own pee

Daredevil makes stupid life choice

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man jailed for tweeting 

Nigeria begins crackdown as normal human behaviour outlawed

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty sure she's dead

CBB:  is punaani a proper word now?!

People don't read EULAs

Courts decide parental responsibility is big business' problem

Use of the word 'allegedly' missing from a lot of front pages

Religion's bodycount continues to mount 

Banks are all evil

Fracking will kill us all

'Burn fossils fuels instead' urges North East

Outrage as man forgets to turn off phone

News website posts graphic content warning AFTER graphic content. Again.

Outrage as business suggests you get what you pay for

Police time wasted by condescending know-it-all busybody

Attention seeking hyperbitch.... speaks perfect sense?!

Hero toddler

Fruit juice is the new smack

Reading the news so you don't have to...  

The news in brief 14th January 2014

The news in brief:

China starts work on its clone army

Anonymous Internet comments full of ignorant racist bigotry

Maybe actress isn't a total hypocrite and maybe The News in Brief needs to run an apology - maybe

Nerds are probably smart enough already 

Diana Watch 2014: hasn't been in the news all year

Government continues its war against parental responsibility 

Teenagers are deviant little shits

School fines are a touch heavy handed 

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man suggests his private life should be private 

Newspaper run story anyway 

BBC forgets to include the word 'allegedly'

Study states the obvious 

It's pretty clear that Google is Skynet

TV show is pretty sexy 

Religion's bodycount continues to mount 

CBB: won't somebody think of the children?! 

Ostrich! 

Mean spirited jobsworth makes child go without lunch

Yewtreeapalooza! 

Lawyer says what we're all thinking 

Atheists are people too

Reading the news so you don't have to...  

 

The news in brief 13th January 2014

The news in brief:

Supermarket makes sensible decision

Fracking is still a thing

Scotland wants to have its cake and eat it 

Celebrity panellist suggests: You've got to hold and give, but do it at the right time. You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line.

Family tragedy is somehow our business

CBB: there's cock and balls everywhere! 

Study states the obvious

People fucking love swearing

Small child has corrective surgery

Celebrity panellist suggests: They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack; there's only one way to beat them: get round the back

American baffled by NHS 

Diana Watch 2014: 'still dead'

Studies identifies convenient scapegoat for lack of self-restraint

Outrage: businesses advertise their products IN STORE!  

Shock: Restaurant has seats!

Celebrity panellist suggests: Catch me if you can, 'cause I'm the England man and what you're looking at
is the master plan

Grieving family's non-objective feelings presented as fact  

Religion's bodycount continues to mount 

Celebrity panellist suggests: We ain't no hooligans, this ain't a football song; three lions on my chest
I know we can't go wrong

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

News website changes it's headline after commentators call them out on their shit

Everyone in Newcastle knows the offside rule

Reading the news so you don't have to... 

The news in brief 12th January 2014

The news in brief celebrity special: 

Parents take kids to work

Woman takes photo of herself getting ready and posts it ON TWITTER!

Singer bitten by insect in exotic location

Footballer spends huge pile of money on his kids

Man goes shopping

Woman wears clothes

Singer has her hair done

Woman tweets about being tired - then goes outside!

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Ironic headline

Man wears hat

Baby dressed appropriately for the weather

Newspaper claims to know what actress is thinking and feeling based upon her jacket and lipstick

Parents debating appropriate television for their child is apparently news now

Couple holds HANDS!

Woman has breasts

Woman shows a bit of flesh

Woman doesn't show a bit of flesh

Actress is a filthy hypocrite

Unfounded speculation about woman's relationship status

Reading the *cough* 'news' so you don't have to...       

The news in brief 11th January 2014

The news in brief horoscope special:

Aries: Think you’re stressed now? It’s only going to get worse!

Taurus: Get some perspective, you little Drama Queen!

Gemini: This ain’t no damned movie, this is real life!

Cancer: Cheer up Saggy Pants, worse things happen at sea.

Leo: Keep your eyes on the prize, Slugger

Virgo: Things are better when you work as a team.

Libra: Forget your plans and just wing it

Scorpio: Life is fucked up right now. But you’ll enjoy it

Sagittarius: Stop pushing your luck, you jammy git

Capricorn: You are stronger than you think!

Aquarius: Fear is all in your mind, take a deep breath

Pisces: Change is as good as a holiday   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 9th and 10th January 2014

The news in brief: 

Dog destroys house


Man eats car

Man has no idea how bottle got stuck in anus

Journalist would rather totalitarian dictatorship than take spectacles to the supermarket

Crunchie bar upstages panellist

Under occupancy charge a bit heavy handed

Public doesn't like being told what they think

Bloody hell - Niagara Falls freezes over!

People liked film

Media's war against teachers continues

Likeable celebrity is having a baby! 

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

BBC interviews terrorist puppet

Marijuana sales skyrocket

'0% fat' is apparantly misleading people about sugar content

Satirical comedy is not historically accurate

Diana Watch 2014: 'still' dead 

Judge shits on law from a great height

Gang members behave exactly as expected 

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Man evicted from house

Woman has understandable reaction 

Nudes in brief:  Jasmine Waltz

Study states the obvious

Man being gay is apparently news now

Chinese man survives wicked head injury

Woman needs to buy dictionary 

Reading the news so you don't have to...
 

 

       

The news in brief 8th January 2014

The news in brief:

Football fans not cattle

Expensive yacht is expensive

Britain love bums

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Hell literally freezes over

Public overreacts to television program

Some men will hump anything

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Celebrity hypnotist states the obvious

Unsupported hypothesis regurgitated as news 

Bully gets what they deserve

Pharmacy legitimately withholds controlled substance

Outrage because not everyone speak a dying language

PCSO gets himself nicked

Nudes in brief: Eliza Doolittle 

Cake looks like shit

Study tells us something we already knew

Angry mob reacts violently (how violently depends on which paper you read though)

Diana Watch 2014: 'still dead'

Man with golden throne speaks out against greed

Britain is a bit shit at wars

Reading the news so you don't have to...

 

The news in brief 7th January 2014

The news in brief: 

Hide and seek taken to new extremes 

Doctors change teenager's face for bullies 

Society's narrow definition of beauty reinforced 

Games console misses the point 

Media drums up anti-immigration feeling 

German PM is unstoppable force of nature 

Small number of Accident and Emergency repeat offenders = convenient scapegoat 

It's still winter 

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Online bullying is NOT okay (unless you're a newspaper doing it) 

Religion's bodycount continues to mount  

Huge firm makes billing error - paper runs obligatory picture of sad-faced man holding the bill

Unstoppable mutant super-rats attack! 

As Edinburgh returns to normal - the UK wonders 'what was in that bag?!' 

Old lady laughs in the face of nature 

42 INCH LEGS!

Newspaper renders statistic useless by omitting relevant information   

Wanna watch brutal CCTV footage? See it here folks!

Newspaper panders to the lowest common denominator 

House for sale 

Man starts new job 

Diana Watch 2014: 'still' dead 

Thigh gap not enough. Now you need a bikini bridge! - GET THINNER! 

Man invents awesome new dating tactic 

Reading the news so you don't have to...

 

The news in brief 6th January 2014

The news in brief:

Celebrity spendthrift sets back equal rights by eight billion years

Panellist grotesquely oversimplifies complicated issue

Media’s war against teachers continues apace

More economic woes to come

Ignorant thundercunt gets collared

News has already decided what music you will enjoy this year

Hero cop was a human being

It’s still raining

Heavy snow forecast for January in the Western Hemisphere

Man’s inhumanity to man continues

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Poland poses a fair question

Britain is totally the bigger man (bless)

Story reaches logical conclusion

Awesome sci-fi science helps kid

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Fracking is still a thing apparently

WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

CBB: Girls kissing

Three hour orgasm not as hot as it sounds

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th January 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Separated couple get back together

Woman wears ring

Couple looks at each other IN PUBLIC

New mum posts baby picture

Woman NAKED under her CLOTHES!

Potter partner in ‘it-might-just-be-sherbet’ scandal

Older woman has kept her figure

Consenting adults have sexy time

Outrage as old lady doesn’t want to be on her feet too long, for a second week in a row!

Man trims nails

Couple holds hands IN THE STREET

Woman says derogatory things about ex-partner bedroom abilities

Celebrity fails to avoid paparazzi

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Photographers intrude on family day out

Man drinks coffee!

Singer likes fruit

Woman does not conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Actress defies Hollywood with common sense

Minor celebrity acts like tramp for attention

  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

Breaking news

Breaking news: militant vegetarian offends (almost) the entire civilised world

The news in brief 4th January 2014

The news in brief horoscope special:

Today, we’re taking two different newspapers and smashing their horoscopes together, just to see what happens…

Aries: Don’t bite off more than you can chew, you busy little beaver, you - but nothing can stop you today.        

Libra: Cheer up Sourpuss, people don’t hate you - but you need to crack on with your work.

Taurus: Time to get on with the boring bits of homeownership - but you need a holiday first.

Scorpio:  Man up, loser – but you need to relax and unwind before you do.  

Gemini: Doing good is its own reward, keep up it – but stop spending money you don’t have.

Sagittarius: Everyone hates their boss. Pretend you don’t – but it’s time to put your feet up first.

Cancer: You’re the best and most amazing person ever - but it’s all about love today, so get it on!

Capricorn: Shut up and pay attention, you mouthy prick – but put your feet up and unwind first.

Leo: Sharing is caring – but you did all the work so you deserve to spoil yourself.

Aquarius: Stop spending money you don’t have – and stop eating so much, fatty!

Virgo: Stop spending your partner’s money, – but it’s time to smooch and spend money!

Pisces: Pull your head out of your arse, you selfish dick – it’s time to talk about people’s emotional issues (wow that one kinda works!)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

    

The news in brief 3rd January 2014

The news in brief:

Man who wants to manage our country can't even manage his own finances

BNP press office are a bit cunt-y (allegedly of course *ahem*) 

Karma is awesome, isn't it? 

Graffiti artist victim of irony

Sensible advice misrepresented as Dickensian nightmare fuel

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Two thirds of doctors DON'T think charging for A&E is a good idea

Media doesn't let the facts spoil a good story 

Have you checked behind your sofa for Romanians?

Weather still shit

Pudgy woman comfort eats

Eating sensibly is good for you

Unfounded speculation regurgitated as news

Fucked up justice: murder by remote?!  

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Maths is good for kids

New book states the obvious

Being a pushy parent is NOT okay

Nudes in brief: Kat Graham

Earth could be 0.008% heavier than first thought - whoopity-fucking-do

Instagram users like arse

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 2nd January 2014

The news in brief:

The earth completes another orbit of the sun

BBC confuses 'New Year's Eve celebrations' with ' letting singer plug his new album'

£1.8 million burned up over the Themes

PM repeats popular opinion

Public celebrates entirely arbitrary start/end date of the Georgian calender

Trains tickets are fucking expensive

Newspaper's scaremongering pretty much a blatant lie

Clearly made up statistic

Man pads his CV

Medieval morality applied to social media

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

It's still winter

People enjoyed Sherlock

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

Only a matter of time before we're balls deep in burned out caravans

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Twerking is apparently news now

Colorado gets totally high, man

Hippy bullshit

Reading the news so you don't have to...