The news in brief:
 
 Family reuses hat  
 
 Woman wears the same dress twice 
 
 Celebrity Deathmatch: The Doctor vs Coronation Street 
 
 Spies do underhanded stuff 
 
 Religion's bodycount continues to mount 
 
 Woman comes into some money 
 
 Shock: Tall people have deeper voices 
 
 Scientists uncover the bloody obvious 
 
 Racy advert shown AFTER watershed 
 
 Misleading headline implicates innocent shop 
 
 Diana Watch 3rd December 2013: sold a dress from beyond the grave
 
 Nudes in brief: University netball team, Gillian Anderson, an eel  
 
 Man stares gift horse square in the mouth 
 
 Meaningless headline contains no actual information 
 
 Attention seeking hyperbitch might have crossed a line 
 
 Performers to perform at performance
 
 Shop not guilty 
 
 Doctors to gather in London to discuss a cure for homosexuality 
 
 Doctors presumably want cure for brown eyes, lefthandedness and feet 
 
 Child's private life is apparently our business
 
 Red top paper in the shit 
 
 Potty mouthed news pundit suggest parents to fucking blame 
 
 Wintery weather forecast 
 
 Reading the news so you don't have to...
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