People seems to give a shit about films and television, so fresh from our Entertainment Correspondent’s fountain pen, here's the first of, hopefully many, reviews in brief
This week’s reviews in brief:
People in cold places are killed
People in hot places are killed
Boobs
You can't unsee that!
Watching Game of Thrones so you don't have to…
This week’s celebrity news in brief:
Even someone else's death inexplicably about the Kardashians
Bollocks on ITV2
Woman has legs
Woman updates social media
Woman has audacity to go outside without makeup on
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Selfies are NOT news
Woman wears dress
Woman dresses appropriately for the weather
Breaking news: family eats breakfast
Pregnant woman looks pregnant
Woman wears bikini
Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday
It's only a public display of affection because you've put it on the Internet, assholes
Man gets juice
Stop the press: woman has nipples
Professional prat sparks outrage
Nudes in brief: Rita Ora
And finally: people lose their shit on the Internet
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
Happy birthday Your Majesty!
2016 strikes again
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Remember kids: every man on Earth is a potential rapist just waiting for the opportunity to slip on a dress and take advantage of supermarket’s new trans-friendly toilets…
Fear-mongering idiots
Man's Lorry is better than yours
Man's wallet too small for all his fifties and his diamond shoes are too tight
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Bad news: bacon bad for you again
Outrage as trainees caught training
Government remembers that the North East exists
Dictatorship gets scarier and scarier every day
Even terrorist nutjobs need a summer holiday. Hopefully.
Dog was really fucking old
Terrifying ghostly figure probably not a ghost. Probably.
Newspaper highlights importance of feminism
Same newspaper tells women what to wear at work to succeed….
Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for you
Nudes in brief: Natasha Oakley
And finally: you've probably been brushing your teeth all wong…
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
2016 claims another legend and this time it's one of the comedy greats that inspired us to try and be funny for a living...
Today’s news in brief
Listen up fucknuggets, we are the last people to support Baron Von Trump, mostly because we don't want one of the most powerful economies and one of the most formidable militaries in the world in the hands of a wild-eyed madman who’s entire manifesto seems to be ‘Yeah America!’
But, cheap point scoring isn't how the good guys win. Yeah he said 7/11 when he meant to say 9/11, yeah that is kinda funny because to the best of my knowledge a thirty-ounce soda has never hijacked a plane, but it was a slip of the tongue and we went on to talk about the selfless heroism of the construction workers and first-responders at Ground Zero.
He was talking about the Spirit of New York and for better or worse there's no separating the indomitable spirit of New Yorkers from the devastating terror attacks and their aftermath.
So why not leave the sarcastic remarks to the professionals and go back to reporting important stuff?
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
Human beings continue to murder each over arbitrary lines in the dirt
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Dictatorship continues its assault on the bottom of the ocean
Aquaman unavailable for comment
Economy still pretty fucked
Nation of impoverished farmers continues to spend money on weapons of mass destruction
Earth shrugs its indifferent shoulders and there's nothing we can do to stop it
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Great British public surprises no-one
Conspiracy theorists might have been a little bit right
Nation threatens to spit its dummy out
Drones will kill us all
Breaking news: laws apply to famous people too
First biscuits, then ice-cream now we're running out of prosecco…
Routine follow-up is not news
Victim-blaming still a thing
Diana Watch 2016: couple sit on bench. Still dead.
Man with gold hat sorts out 0.001% of a problem
Nudes in brief: Chanelle Hayes
Out campaign should have registered the domain name sooner… www.voteleave.co.uk
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today's news in brief:
Politician has a problem with masturbation
Idiots still obsessed with one particular back issue of The Lancet
Man literally full of shit
Couple too busy smooching
World pretty goddamned fucked
Economy still pretty shit
Institutional racism still a thing
Hashtag still hasn't generated real-world results
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Breaking news: sausages are not recreational drugs
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Woman tells it like it is
Council shits all over charity event
Science is fucking awesome: paralysed man now better at Guitar Hero than us
Loch Ness discovery massive let-down
Medieval morality treats gay couple like shit
Monumental beer crime
Man somewhat passionate about fence
Nudes in brief: Rhian Sugden
And finally: man really passionate about quiche
Reading the news so you don't have to…
