The news in brief 13th October 2015

The news in brief:

Medieval justice system doesn’t give two shits about western mores

White supremacy inexplicably still a thing

World’s economy pretty fucked

Stop the press: non-renewable resource not unlimited   

Mad suggestion that women should be paid the same as men

Turns out people really were just reading it for the articles…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: forcing people into a locker makes you a cunt

Diana Watch 2015: property development has tenuous link to the people’s princess

Self entitled prick wastes police time

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man’s inhumanity to sharks not so much

Bear in a cage probably not as scary as being bombed by your government

Misleading bullshit

Pink-foaming commentators didn’t read the article

Epic hero survives on ants

Brace yourselves for the coldest November this year

Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Africa is a pretty big place…

Here’s a thought - instead of mutilating young women, how about you stop fucking raping people  

Nudes in brief: Emilia Clarke

And finally: pig just wanted a swim

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The news in brief 12th October 2015

The news in brief:

Holy shitballs, what have we missed?! Bombings, shootings, air strikes, escalating tensions, the threat of cold war, rise in witchcraft-based child abuse (yeah, you read that right) natural disasters, market downturns and god-knows what else.  

We’ve also had near misses from planet-smashing asteroids, the discovery of flowing water on Mars, Pluto’s ice and beautiful blue skies and even the Kardashians have kept up their relentless social-media offensive.

But only one news story has dominated the headlines here in the United Kingdom:     

Outrage: supermarkets in England have to charge 5 pence for disposable plastic carrier bags!!!   

And everybody lost their freaking minds!

The whole country literally went into meltdown as ‘still having a planet for our children to live on,’ wasn’t worth the effort of remembering to fling one of those bags-for-life you get pressured into buying every time you go to Sports Direct into the boot of your car before you go to Aldi (who have been charging for carrier bags for donkey’s years and nobody gave two fucks before now.)

People took to social media complaining about the new tax (it doesn’t go to the government)

People complained about the dirty profiteering supermarkets (they don’t get to keep it either)

Columnists suggested ways for you to get around the dirty profiteering new tax (recycle old bags?! No fucking way!)

People started flogging cut price carrier bags on ebay

The tabloids blew banter completely out of proportion

And then in true British style, we simply forgot all about it… it was probably tea time or something.  

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The news in brief 27th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Nitpicking killjoy misses the point

Woman wears glasses

Stop the press: family has a disagreement whilst shopping

Woman wears leotard

Model conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: woman wears smart clothes to christening

Woman wears beachwear AT THE BEACH!

Woman updates social media

Shocker: parent caught spending time with child

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Judge’s ‘surprise’ return surprises no-one

Woman has legs

Pro tip assholes: she’s not ‘putting on a leggy display,’ she’s just ‘walking somewhere in a skirt.’

We still think it’s pretty fucking weird to buy pictures of other people’s kids and put them on the Internet…

Woman wears gym clothes TO THE GYM

Cleavage is NOT news

Who even cares: woman wears dress more than once!

Stars in their bras: Kate Wright

And finally: pregnant woman wears comfortable shirt.

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The news in brief 26th September 2015

The news in brief:

Facebook goes down for a little while and the world goes nuts

Timehop goes down for a little while and no-one seems to care

BBC captures irony live on air

Pro tip: shouting obscenities at someone makes you a cunt

Internet full of xenophobic twats

Political mud-fight continues to dominate the news

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Gigantic asteroid fails to hit puny little planet

EULA makes you promise not to fuck the robot

Conspiracy theories!

Senseless killing in the street

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper has opinions about Bond

Turns out the rugby's on

Study states the obvious: Nando's is chicken

Newspaper wants you to be afraid of everything

Murdered woman 'was just resting'

Body-shaming is NOT news

Man pretty determined to get up mountain

Is your car killing the planet?!

Atmospheric phenomenon probably not God

Super Blood Moon probably not the harbinger of the end times

Cannabis farm is pretty fucking huge

Stars in their bras: Casey Batchelor

And finally: Tiny octopus is adorable

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We know 700-and-more people have died in a really terrible way over the last few days and that’s really important news, but we are a comedy blog first and foremost and there’s nothing funny about that. As always, our thoughts and wishes are for those left behind….

We’re taking a break for the next two weeks for family birthday stuff and dental surgery.  We’re here tomorrow with the usual Sunday celebrity-filler and then we’ll be back Monday 12th October with news summaries, swearing and that weird snail picture.

The news in brief 23rd September 2015

The news in brief 22nd September 2015

The news in brief:

Car manufacturer has been a little bit naughty

Herbie and Bumblebee unavailable for comment

Monkey probably not interested in law suit

Apes love a bit of telly

Politician is a racist prick

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Human race edges ever-nearer to self destruction

Media only has one photo of Eva Carneiro

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: 3 is 50% of 6

Family business doing ‘quite well’

Attack of the ginger extremist

Teenage Mutant Ninja Codfish

Insurers act like total bellends

Study states the obvious: more people are using discount retailers

Maybe it’s because the economy’s still a bit shit

Smartphones more deadly than sharks

Terrorist surprises no-one

Indistinct blur probably not Jesus

Flashing light probably not aliens

Stars in their bras: Kylie Jenner   

And finally: philanthropist lowers cost of life-saving medicine by 5500%... on wait… what?!    

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The news in brief 21st September 2015

The news in brief:

‘Allegedly’ seems to be the hardest word

Remember kids: smear campaigns are okay when you don’t like the guy

Pro tip: a 20-year-old indiscretion doesn’t affect your ability to do a job today

To be fair, we put dead pigs in our mouths all the time…

We tried to keep things balanced, but it is pretty fucking funny!

Politician too busy doing his job

Man plans to bring back the 70s

Headteacher a bit of a cunt

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Skynet unveils its robobusses

Colliding super-massive blackholes will kill us all

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: drugs are bad

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone

Driver is a heartless prick

Indistinct blur probably NOT a ghost

Medieval morality claims another life

Dictatorship shits all over human rights  

Seaweed will save us all

You can prove anything with statistics

Chocolate spread “pulls a Voldermort”  

Stars in their bras: Caroline Flack    

And finally: Charlie Brooker will never have to pay for a pint again…

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