The news in brief 30th April 2015

With only a week left to go to the General Elections, David Dimbleby is no doubt basking in the rays of Earth’s yellow sun, readying himself for another herculean broadcasting marathon.

Rumour has it that he is immune to the Avada Kedavra curse, can see through time and that his withering stare can grant life to new Transformers.

With that in mind, let’s cast our minds back to the 30^th April 2014 – when petrol was still only 9 pence a litre, littering was practically unheard of and apparently I was feeling under the weather:

The news in brief 30^th April 2014:

I’m feeling really unwell and there’s still two more working days of this week left to go, so something of an abridged news in brief tonight:

Young couple’s break up is none of our business

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

State sanctioned murder not humane enough

Study states the obvious: fibre is good for you  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man quits job

Giant whale ready to blow

Breaking news: woman buys fruit juice

More racist horsefuckery crawls out of the woodwork

3D pen is heresy and witchcraft!

Young woman allegedly sexually abused – better use a picture of her wet and in a bikini

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty fucking dead

Skimming reading the news so you don’t have to…

       

The news in brief 29th April 2015

The news in brief:

Out of control spaceship probably won’t kill us all

Community comes together to clean up after rioters – but that doesn’t sell papers now, does it?

Election fever!

Tiny new dinosaur

Sensible suggestion portrayed as nightmarish horror

Science is looking after your arse

Study states the obvious: rat poison is bad for you

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

General public all too willing to brand obviously sick child a monster

Police outsources work to social media

Germany suggest free speech is cool (but being a bellend is not)

Archaeologists find exactly what you’d expect to find on 200-year-old battlefield

Woman still hasn’t had baby

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Crazy tyrant behaves like a crazy tyrant

Big business surprises no-one

Stop the fucking press: PM’s wife hasn’t painted her toe nails!

Politician continues to trade on xenophobia and fear

Avon lady is better at her job than you

Bank holiday traffic will probably be shit

Man is totally not sorry

Seagulls are fucking dicks

Nudes in brief: Luisa Zissman  

And finally: miracle baby found alive and well

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th April 2015

The news in brief:

Nature reminds us once again who's in charge 

It turns out not every giant business is totally evil

Wind kicks the shit out of train

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Entire city loses its shit

Awesome mother is awesome

38% of country doesn't quite get democracy

Local council has had enough of your shit

Stop the press: legitimate word played on word game

Politicians caught making things up (allegedly)

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Comedian uncovers dirty pervert plot

Author learns why The news in brief never cracks a joke about you-know-who

Medieval justice system extinguishes eight more lights

Media only cares about two of them

Gimmick quickly forgotten

Turns out money can’t buy happiness

Ignorant fuckbags treat loving father like shit

If the public  don’t like little girl’s face, they can go fuck themselves, sideways, with a rusty iron spike

Study states the obvious: binge drinking is bad for you

Car company makes fuel from AIR and fucking WATER

Dubai prepares to unleash Robocops on the streets of Delta City

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh and Laura Whitmore

And finally: Mad Max tortoise is ready to tear up the road

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th April 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Potential wardrobe malfunction is somehow news now

Woman wears dress

Celebrity conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s hair

Newspaper doesn’t like man’s hair

So, cyberbulling is apparently okay when you’re a newspaper and your targets in the public eye

Paparazzi intrudes on private moment

How very dare she: woman goes out without make up

Woman wears gym clothes to the gym

Parents caught parenting

Outrage: celebrity caught wearing comfortable clothes whilst training

Newspaper reads an awful lot into photo of man walking

Breaking news: actress pops to the shops

Singer’s private life is none of our fucking business

Model not smiling for the photograph she isn’t aware is being taken

Stop the press: actress’s shirt rides up a bit as she walks

Not quite sure how taking a photograph of someone on holiday and putting it on the Internet counts as ‘news’ but there it is…

Woman wears bikini

Man’s watch is pretty expensive   

Pro tip fuckers: if someone has just come out as a woman, then the world has been lifted from HER shoulders, not HIS

Nudes in brief: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman hasn’t had baby yet 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 24th April 2015:

The news in brief:

Bile-spewing hate-wizard attracts the attention of the United Nations

Town tries to eat family

Won’t somebody think of the children!?

Celebrity is totally not sorry

Outrage as advertisement accurately describes product

Arsehole business doesn’t quite get how Twitter works

Pro tip: beaches are for everyone

Pregnant woman due to have baby anytime soon

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Politician may or may not be the Incredible Hulk

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Photobomber probably not a ghost

IKEA will kill us all

Spring weather a bit summery AND a bit wintery

Politician a little bit bigoted

Medieval morality destroys another human life

‘Diversity’ is actually not that harder word to understand

Look, I know this is hard, but rounding up and burning some murderers to death pretty much makes you as bad as the murderers…   

Economy pretty shit for poor homeowner

Turns out cleavage is the secret to free coffee

Study states the obvious: seeds are good for you

Terrifying dictatorship surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: flirtation cards used to be a thing – and on behalf of awkward people everywhere – we think they should be again…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 23rd April 2015

As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, we're all looking forward to the summer. But whilst we wait for the sun, let's cast our minds back to the 8th November 2014 when Ann Summers first started selling ride-on lawnmowers and it was still illegal to ride an emu in Hull:

The news in brief:

Billionaire reveals secret to success

Tyne and Wear Metro pretty fucked

Sports fans decides man NOT entitled to his own beliefs

People act like pricks on the Internet

Medieval legal system set to progress from 5th to 6th Century

Child actor NOT dead

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount  

‘Mind control’ worryingly a thing now

America’s most expensive house is pretty fucking expensive

MP accused of economic shenanigans 

York very keen for bacon sandwiches

Local newspaper tells us how many pigs were hurt, but nothing about the drivers… 

Threats of a new Cold War as The Fall of the Berlin Wall is remembered

Giant phallus splits Sydney (yeah, you read that right…)    

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Skynet’s gonna put you and your grandchildren out of work!

Weather set to become wintery

Study states the obvious: discount supermarket cheaper than non-discount supermarket

Newspaper clearly doesn’t know how much chips cost…

Terrible woman forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Keira Knightley (but for once this isn’t gratuitous news boobs)   

Yep, child actor definitely still alive (thank you Wikipedia)

And finally: Actor helps restore faith in humanity

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 22nd April 2015

The news in brief:

Great idea: let's make people with deep rooted self-esteem issues feel unwelcome in public.  That'll help.

Look. I'm a big guy and I could stand to lose some weight. For my health. For my future.  But I'm also a depressive and food has been a comfort blanket for as long as I can remember and it's a difficult fight. It's a fight that I think I'm winning (most days) but it is not an overnight thing and I will not be down to my ideal weight of 12 stone this side of Sherlock season 3 (current estimate June 11th 2177)

In the meantime do I not have the right to wear clothes? Shunning me from every shop in the high street (and believe me it's a struggle already) is only going to make me more awkward and unhappy.  And you know who's always there to make me feel better when I'm really down? The Colonel, The Clown and The King. And when I'm deep under that black cloud I find it hard to resist their siren call and the vicious circle continued to spiral down...

As a nation we do need to lose a bit of the old weight, but what we need is more open spaces, and the time to enjoy them, encouragement,  practical advice,  affordable healthy food and the promotion of personal responsibility. 

What we do NOT need is institutionalised bullying or to feed that curious need we have as a species to keep someone as a second-class citizen.

In the meantime if a love handle or a man boob offends you. Or for that matter a port wine stain,  ginger hair,  limp, bucked tooth or missing limb, you have the right to not look.

And if it's still a problem for you, you can always fuck off. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Reading the news so you don't have to...