The news in brief 28th February 2015

The news in brief:

Bit late to the party on this one - but singer should have listened to Edna

Internet loses its shit over optical illusion

Nerds everywhere unite in their grief

Relief as normal people outnumber bigoted right-wing thundercunts

Article states the obvious – human beings are complicated  

Woman is an insensitive douche live on TV

Newspaper seems a bit keen to start a war

One day we’ll travel in tubes!

Head transplants may be a thing now…

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Spare me this mockery of justice!

Cyberbullying isn’t news

Boo hoo hoo – children’s television show made relevant for modern audience

Study states the obvious – smoking is fucking bad for you

Administrative cock-up / zombie apocalypse

Turns out the Great British Public swear all the fucking time

JCBs make terrible getaway cars

Economy a bit shit

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Good news: tea is good for you!

School rules pretty fucking heavy handed

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodwin

And finally: cock locked in a clam jam ‘probably not black magic’

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The news in brief 26th February 2015

The news in brief:

So an MP allegedly dropped the c-bomb in the House of Commons. It sounds to me like she did. The editor thinks she saying ‘rubbish’ because you can clearly hear the ‘shhh.’ We watched the Vine like twenty thousand times and then got distracted by Criminal Minds.

In light of this event, The news in brief would like to suggest ten more words that are totally suitable for use within the House of Commons:

1. Horsefucker

2. Hyperbitch

3. Fuckwad

4. Shitstreak

5. Turdblossom

6. Fuckwagon  

7. Dickface

8. Douchecanoe  

9. Cumbucket

10. Thundercunt   

We look forward to each and every one of these being bleeped out on BBC News

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The news in brief 25th February 2015

The news in brief:

Village for rent

Football team for sale

Russians plan trip to the moon

Oi, teacher: leave those kids alone!

Not sure what all the fuss is about – we say ‘cunt’ all the time

More proof that Google is, in fact, Skynet

Racist birds

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Solar system exhibits normal solar system-like behaviour

Law says man is innocent until proven guilty

Internet comments say man is guilty!

Pro tip: it’s still racism and sexism if you hate all white men

Man: 1 - Fucking gigantic fish: 0  

Fairly logical statement is inexplicably controversial

Owls make shit bartenders

In their defence, 21 does look a bit like IS from the other side…

Man eats chicken!

Tragic news: bacon is now bad for you (sorry Slimming World)

Attack of the giant crabs!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucracy: 2 - Common sense: 0

Common sense ruling: it is not a crime to be ill

Oh wait, yes it is…

Nudes in brief: Jessica Wright

And finally: if a quarter of a group think something dangerous and uncomfortable, that means three quarters of that group don’t - but then I suppose scaremongering hate sells more papers…

  

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The news in brief 24th February 2015

The news in brief:

UK not going to get a half-blood prince any time soon

Product placement masquerading as news

Slow news day? News outlet wheels out an old favourite

Headline needlessly specific

Breaking news: Nutella is not a fire hazard

Man gets new job

Buddha is worst Easter Eggs of all time  

Outrage: man’s salary in-line with contractual agreement

A parent-and-child screening of what now?!

Flormite is a thing now

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Russia situation pretty fucking hairy

Pro tip: don’t stop for coffee

Medieval morality wrecks another life

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Everything you know is a lie

People are literally never satisfied

Gerbils will kill us all!

Best. Plague. Ever.

Seriously mainstream media?! Cyber-bullying is not cool.

MP suggests witchcraft and sorcery can help save the NHS

Two wrongs apparently make a right now?!

Entire country is a very sore loser

   

Man’s life is ruined by lying, cheating bitch-queen

Children invent horse-periscope

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

And finally: Total Recall girl is totally making it up

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The news in brief 23rd February 2015

The news in brief:

Attack of the fairly-normal-sized rats

Politicians surprise no-one

Pot calls kettle black

Mad dictator threatens the entire world

The Oscars happened

11 year-old correctly identifies that woman are, in fact, people   

News outlet indulges in a bit of cyber-bullying

Remember last week when scientists said it was okay to not shower ever day?

Women are shamed for not showering every day!

Astrophysicist has pretty laid back boyfriend

Judge rules in favour of common sense

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Medieval morality really fucking hates dancing

Mayor of London may or may not be a wizard

Filthy fucking hypocrites

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Cat is pretty fucking old

Mad suggestion that parents know their children best…

Man pisses of entire city

Homophobic bellend caught on camera  

Woman forgets how to person

Study states the obvious: fresh air and sunshine is good for you

Olive oil is good for you again (shortest scare ever!)

Nudes in brief: Taylor Hill

And finally: giant remote controlled Seagull terrorises Cornwall

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The news in brief 22nd February 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman updates social media

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Woman wears bikini

Older actress conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman probably not ‘hiding her baby bump’ more like ‘wearing a coat…’

If women were hiding her baby bump – maybe she wouldn’t want the picture in the fucking newspaper

Woman wears dress

Stop the press: woman has boobs

Wardrobe malfunction

Paparazzi intrudes on private moment

Family’s private affairs somehow our business

Wild speculation

Grandparent caught in ‘spending time with grandchild’ shocker

Newspaper approves of model’s outfit

Older actresses fail to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Newspapers still publishing candid snapshots of people’s kids – and it’s still fucking weird

Outrage: man dresses appropriately for the weather

Woman wears glasses

Newspaper doesn’t like presenter’s outfit

Nudes in brief: Jamie Dornan

And finally: attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues to spread her bile all across the Internet

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The news in brief 20th and 21st February 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: life on Mars is pretty much going to suck

Social media not bothered by terrorists

Internet has feelings about wizard/muggle relations

Here’s hoping in a few years we can make jokes about The Half Blood Prince

So, sleep eating is totally a thing now

Apparently freedom, utilities, democracy and technology just aren’t for everyone

New contender for ‘shortest cease-fire’ award

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace  

Red pandas are cute – but are they really news?

Fictional character does some fucked up shit

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Economy pretty shit

Heterosexual couples continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

More wintery-weather due this winter

     

Kid has pretty shit mates

Thieving bitch caught on camera

Fifty identical stories later – why aren’t carers assuming there’s hidden cameras everywhere?

Definition of ‘poverty’ stretched to breaking point

If it’s ‘very private correspondence,’ why exactly is it in the newspaper?

Racists are fucking pricks

Right wing crackpots not so good at history

Politicians start outlining the election promises they plan to break

Ebola and Boko Haram are still things, but apparently no-one cares

Nudes in brief: Chanelle Hayes

And finally: Community spirit is alive and well and living in St. Cloud, Florida

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