The news in brief 30th April 2014

The news in brief:

I’m feeling really unwell and there’s still two more working days of this week left to go, so something of an abridged news in brief tonight:

Young couple’s break up is none of our business

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

State sanctioned murder not humane enough

Study states the obvious: fibre is good for you   

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man quits job

Giant whale ready to blow

Breaking news: woman buys fruit juice

More racist horsefuckery crawls out of the woodwork

3D pen is heresy and witchcraft!

Young woman allegedly sexually abused – better use a picture of her wet and in a bikini

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty fucking dead

Skimming reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th April 2014

The news in brief

PM suggests keeping promises might be a good idea

Hero dog gets medal

HS2 will solve all of our problems

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Political party probably regrets having free-post address

HS2 will kill us all  

Mums know best

Updating Facebook whilst driving is a very bad idea

Planned change announced well in advance

News doesn’t want anyone to be happy

Remember: cyber-bullying is okay if you’re a news outlet and you’re picking on a celebrity

Pretty convincing UFO…

Google comes one step closer to unleashing SkyNet

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Plane still missing

Economy not quite as shit

Bins to be emptied every three weeks?!

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

Swooning women everywhere have forgotten Batman and Robin

3 surprises in 1!

Cast announced a long time ago, far, far away

People sure do like coffee

Study states the obvious: being horrible to kids is a very bad idea

Diana Watch 2014:  still dead 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th April 2014

The news in brief: 

Politician has no sense of humour

Woman wears dresses (but not the ones the media thinks she should)

Terrible photoshop is terrible

Wild speculation

Family tragedy repackaged as sensational thriller

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man has rights – public outraged

Misleading headline

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Unsurprising racist

News outlet decides to leave the journalism to our imaginations

Man is a master of psychological warfare

Ageism isn’t just for the elderly

Woman is clearly off her rocker

Magic shoes immune to the effects of entropy

Mad suggestion that people should pay their bills

Family’s hobby is better than yours

Not all teenagers are hoodies, thugs and wastes of space

Boat is going to be fucking huge

Nudes in brief: Cher Lloyd

Racist bastards: 0, Quick-witted sports star: 1

                               

Happy Ed Balls day!

Well it must be true if his mum said so….

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

              

The news in brief 27th April 2014

The news in brief celebrity special

Two women wore the same dress (not at the same time)

Woman not going to wedding

Actor does job

Woman wears skirt

Singer eats dinner

Couple likes each other

Woman has legs

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Man’s rather natty suit apparently not worthy of comment

Woman dares to go outside without make up

Family eats dinner

Man fails to live up to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Remember – snide comments about people’s appearance is okay if you’re a newspaper

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Paparazzi catch mother spending time with child

 Actress caught not smiling – cue wild speculation about her marriage

Maybe she was pissed off at photographers following her and journalists making comments about her husband’s hair – the editor

Newspaper doesn’t like model’s trousers

He’ll be back

Nudes in brief: Ferne McCann

Woman nervous about starting new job

Diana Watch 2014: must admit we dropped the ball on this one… will update again tomorrow

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th April 2014

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is mad enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/376157/Woman-whose-name-sounds-like-al-Qaida-blocked-from-entering-the-US

I mean, if you pronounce it bad enough, my name sounds a bit like Al Qaida

Enjoy.

The news in brief 25th April 2014

The news in brief:

 

Doomsayers and fear-mongers trending  

Another near-miss nana

Girl probably not a ghost

Woman maybe not wearing underwear is NOT news

Snooker is inexplicably still a thing

Woman commits career suicide

Two hour orgasm sounds good on paper

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shock: teenager good at lying down

Perhaps you should try using condoms?!

Russia situation upgraded from ‘squeaky bum time’ to ‘pretty fucking uncomfortable’

Internet trolls are pretty shitty

Giant rats will kill us all!

Singer gears up for nil points

Bunny-sized deer are pretty darn cute

Political correctness: 1 Commonsense: 0

Nudes in brief: Rihanna (again)

‘Uniform’ is not a hard word to understand

Overzealous security guard

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Holidaymakers outraged that whole country’s society didn’t stop just for them

Bureaucratic jobsworths strike again

Token gesture taken out of context

SatNav not responsible for you being stupid

Diana Watch: 2014: probably still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

  

    

 

The news in brief 24th April 2014

The news in brief

Pro tip: don’t tag yourself in incriminating photos on Facebook

Exactly how much evidence do you need?!

Ironic death

Wild speculation continues

Video is pretty fucked up

Zombie tree

Cute baby foxes are cute

Near miss nanny

Science is fucking amazing

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Plastic surgeons a little too good

Self entitled prick wants the Earth

Russia situation still ‘squeaky bum time’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Being racist on Twitter is generally a Bad Idea

They replaced the item and gave you a £10 goodwill gesture... exactly what were you expecting?!   

Newspaper engages in a bit of cyberbulling

Remember – if you don’t look the way the media thinks you should – you’re fair game

Junior member of staff not aware of law – newspaper blows out of all proportion  

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Newspaper discovers ancient Internet meme

Nudes in brief: Casey Batchelor

Terrible parenting

10 year-old has contacts in high places

Diana Watch 2014: Still making headlines. Still dead.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…