The news in brief 10th April 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Newspaper really upset that it can't air other people's dirty laundry

If we were based 70 miles up the road, we could totally talk about the celebrity threesome

If we were based 70 miles up the road we probably still wouldn't give a shit

Woman wears dress

Woman wears earring with dress

Broken family spends time together

Broken family probably doesn't need paparazzi camping outside their house taking pictures of their child…

Pro tip: taking photos of minors and putting them online is pretty fucking weird

Cleavage still isn't news

Wild speculation masquerading as news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Model helps to narrow media's definition of beauty a little bit more

Woman wears bikini

Woman updates social media

Actress has the audacity to go outside without makeup

Stop the press: woman pops out to get coffee

Man goes outside

Breaking news: women has arse

Nudes in brief: Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace

And finally: reality TV show totally fixed

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 7th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

9 year old girl out-sasses The news in brief

Old git politely informed to go suck it

New bride’s pedo surprise

Bakesale backlash sadly proves bakesale’s point

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper needs new proofreader

Great news: full fat milk is good for you (this week)

Newspaper wheels out optical illusion from, like, 1448 maybe?!

Internet scraping the bottom of the inbox for news

Crude sketch probably not a werewolf

Religion's body count continues to mount

Product placement masquerading as news

Asshole gets what he deserves

Lawyer not very good at whole lawyering thing…

Economy still pretty fucked

Newspaper keen to share other people's business

Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Politician surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Imogen Thomas

And finally: we know this might not be the right time to ask, but if you have to obscure their faces, what's the point of the courtroom sketch in the first place?

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 6th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Internet awash with Father Ted references

‘Money was just resting in that account,’ insists PM

‘That would be an ecumenical matter,’ says Icelandic PM

Racist assholes called out on Twitter

Pro tip assholes: it shouldn't have to be on Twitter before you pay attention

Turns out you can die from a broken heart

Medieval morality strikes again

Newspaper not at all bias about Junior Doctors’ strike

Brutal dictatorship surprises no-one

Austerity continues to fuck people who need supporting most

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper wheels out its latest extinction horror story

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Indistinct blur probably not the Loch Ness Monster

That is one spicy burger!

Giant fucking crocodile!

You know it probably wasn't the person who painted the lines who gave the man the ticket…

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Stars in their bras: Ariel Winters

And finally: Nazi just wants to be loved

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 5th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

So in hindsight it might have been a bad idea to send the Summary Squirrel out to investigate this whole Panama thing...

The news in brief 4th April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

World leader has been very naughty (allegedly)

Burglar rubbish at hiding

Newspaper adds more drama to morbid fanfiction

Cinema snacks are fucking expensive

Dirty bastard gets what he deserves

Swan doesn't give a shit

Fat people are supposed to be harder to kidnap

Racist prick is both racist and a prick

‘Safe spaces,’ getting a teeny bit out of hand

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Chimps probably don't have organised religion

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Skynet having a bash at journalism now

Weed will save us all

Passenger bites off more than he can chew

Hate wizard continues inexplicable march towards victory

Study states the obvious: magicians are good at magic tricks

Diana Watch 2016: face appears on a tee-shirt. Still dead.

Stars in their bras: Bella Hadid

And finally: article suggest Rick Astley stopped being cool at some point…?!

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 3rd April 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

TV channel finds whole sub-basement level below the bottom of the barrel

Woman shows up someplace

Uninformed opinions reproduced as credible arguments

Woman does job

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Rich megastar used to getting own way

Couple’s relationship problems somehow our business

Couple goes out together

Self-obsessed media darling finds new way to self-promote

Cleavage is not news

Man caught taking nap

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper has the good grace to pixilate the child for once

Woman has legs

Woman dresses for the weather

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman goes for walk

Woman updates social media

Wild speculation!  

Stars in their bras: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman has an itt bitty tattoo

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 1st April 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Sugar tax extended to include placebos and Lush body butters

Carrier bag charge increased to 6p per bag

2016 promises to not kill any more childhood heroes

Sadsack from the Raggy Dolls dies age 82

Chancellor’s new budget advocates burning old budget and denying all knowledge

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch apologises to overweight, redhead immigrants with place names for names

David Cameron quits politics to open puppy farm

CIA apologises for Donald Trump ‘experiment'

Quinoa no longer fashionable.  Poor people can suddenly afford highly nutritious grain.

Starbucks unveils 100 ounce frappuccino

New government guidelines suggest 5 portions of cheesecake a day

Study states the obvious: don't eat shit

Schools forced to start teaching ‘workplace obedience.’

Man's inhumanity to man takes a much-needed day off

New study suggests that poverty linked to not having money

1% occupy the 0.01% calling for wealth to be redistributed

Google’s Deep Thought begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, April 1st. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

Assholes try to enforce ‘pranks stop at noon’ house-rule.

Nudes in brief: Aquaman

And finally: making up kinda-relevant fake news is so much harder than super-condensing actual news...

Reading the news so you don’t have to...