Today’s news in brief:
Sugar tax extended to include placebos and Lush body butters
Carrier bag charge increased to 6p per bag
2016 promises to not kill any more childhood heroes
Sadsack from the Raggy Dolls dies age 82
Chancellor’s new budget advocates burning old budget and denying all knowledge
Attention-seeking hyper-bitch apologises to overweight, redhead immigrants with place names for names
David Cameron quits politics to open puppy farm
CIA apologises for Donald Trump ‘experiment'
Quinoa no longer fashionable. Poor people can suddenly afford highly nutritious grain.
Starbucks unveils 100 ounce frappuccino
New government guidelines suggest 5 portions of cheesecake a day
Study states the obvious: don't eat shit
Schools forced to start teaching ‘workplace obedience.’
Man's inhumanity to man takes a much-needed day off
New study suggests that poverty linked to not having money
1% occupy the 0.01% calling for wealth to be redistributed
Google’s Deep Thought begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, April 1st. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
Assholes try to enforce ‘pranks stop at noon’ house-rule.
Nudes in brief: Aquaman
And finally: making up kinda-relevant fake news is so much harder than super-condensing actual news...
Reading the news so you don’t have to...
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